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Trouble with sex and men: let's talk

Posted , 7 users are following.

Morrell1951
Morrell1951

I'm too badly atrophied and fragile to have sex any more. I've had LS my whole life, but always put it down to yeast and psoriasis. I finally properly was diagnosed a year ago. I'm 62 and have a husband (67) who's OK with simple affection. We stopped trying six months ago. He was bothered all along by what he sensed was my discomfort and haste towards completion. We're in our fourth year together. So, unlucky and lucky.

My last boyfriend was completely oblivious, even though when we first made love I had to use cream. He was always in a hurry for penetration and had no perception that I was wincing. He also had read 'men's issues' self-help books that advised having sex at least daily. Could I have made a worse match? I think not.

I look back at my twenties and remember not wanting to have sex when I had a tear in my perineum. And always having a burning afterward, plus many actual yeast infections. My husband at that time expected to be 'looked after' one way or another daily if I didn't want intercourse. And judging by what I hear these days, he was a sex addict. We'd have huge fights in bed in the middle of the night and then barely speak, let alone make love, for three weeks. Repeat cycle ad nauseum. We basically stopped having sex seven years in, had it twice to get pregnant and I left him after 15 years. Could I have made a worse match? Nope.

I believe my clitoris was already bartially zipped up in my twenties, so I always needed a lot of friction for orgasm, which of course created irritation.

Somehow, in my forties, I had several years of really hot sex. I think my clitoral hood unzipped when I resumed activity after eight years of celibacy.

So, I thought I'd provide this spot to discuss this touchy subject by itself.

2 likes, 14 replies

14 Replies

  • Chrisy
    Chrisy Morrell1951

    Posted

    Hi Morrell,

    This is so similar to my history.  I was easily turned off sex and have had two divorces mainly due to sex issues and my lack of desire to be hurt.  I then met hubby three who was wonderful and made sure that I was always really excited before he tried penetration.  20 wonderful years when we made love regularly.  Then LS got worse and caused such issues that my husband like yours found it difficult to continue knowing that I was in pain and bleeding after sex.  He is also happy with affection.  We have a great marriage without full sex.  For all those of you out there without a partner there are men out there who are not that bothered with sex and actually like affection more.  The number grows as they get older too.  Hope for everyone!!!!

    • Morrell1951
      Morrell1951 Chrisy

      Posted

      Great start, Chrisy. I have a theory that with all the ads for Viagra, there must be a large number of men of a certain age who would love to be relieved of the pressure to 'perform'.
  • hanny32508
    hanny32508 Morrell1951

    Posted

    Just like to say Thank You Morell for openly talking about affection without penetration.  I have been happily married for over fourty years and luckily have a very understanding and kind man.  If anything, I think that our affection for each other has expanded and intensified. 
    • Morrell1951
      Morrell1951 hanny32508

      Posted

      Well, aren't we three the lucky ones?

      I wish when I was 22 I had known an older woman I could ask about pain. I honestly didn't know where it left off and pleasure began. I found a site some time ago – religious fundamentalists talking about lichen sclerosis in marriage. Nutshell: 'Grin and bear it'. Aaaarggghh. It's interesting that my overriding piece of sexual advice for my two sons was always, only make love if you both want it equally. And before I understood I had a specific vulvar problem, I was baffled by the sheer endurance of prostitutes, because I knew that job would have left me in shreds.

  • margaret289
    margaret289 Morrell1951

    Posted

    Thanks morrell,

    I have a very understanding partner, but I really wish that sex was still possible. Although I have been prescribed estrogen cream as well as the Dermovate and Double Base, I had to stop using it because I applied it the other night and it was like fire just after I'd peed.  i feel it was the reaction between the cream and the urine which was the problem, neither one on its own seems to be an issue.  However, I was trying also to cut down the frequency of Dermovate use to once a day from having dealt with a recent flare.

    My problem is that I feel cut off from consistent, knowledgeable medical advice. Some doctors and consultants seem to be able to give good advice and I fully expect to see them again but am then interviewed by someone who is frankly less clued up than I am.  This is very disheartening. The last one's parting shot as she shook my hand was "I'm afraid you will probably have to learn to live with this" - as  if I haven't been for the last 7 years.  

    The sex thing is really quite sad and it does upset me.  The added problem is that anything to do with sexual gratification for my partner I find difficult because it is a reminder that we cannot go the whole way - neurotic I know, but I'm finding it dificult to deal with the way I feel.

    Thanks for opening up this discussion - especially from one who is not apparently a fully qualified member of the club  (see Diagnostic confusion thread) ;-)

    • Morrell1951
      Morrell1951 margaret289

      Posted

      Margaret, this is the stuff we need to get out in the open. Although my partner is understanding, I know for sure he'd be thrilled if I provided some 'service', but that's all it would be. It's not just lack of penetration, I have no libido at all, my clitoris is deeply buried, so there's no gentle external stimulation that would be any good. When we were having sex we were very much in sync, in terms of desire/frequency. If I were to do anything for him, it would be completely mechanical and then there would be a whole when's-the-next-time tension between us. One upside to all this is at least now if we squabble, it doesn't ruin our sex life that day. Men have great big honking handles and world of internet naked ladies that make release a snap, so I feel zero guilt.
    • Chrisy
      Chrisy Morrell1951

      Posted

      Hi Morrell,  I think we are very lucky to have sympathetic husbands.  I know not all are but I also know that many people keep on trying thinking they should, when in reality they would  both rather not bother.  I think the most important thing for me was that we talked openly with each other and realised that neither of us was enjoying sex anymore as it hurt me but it upset my husband to think that he was hurting me.  Now we are the best of friends and yes of course we miss our sexual life but it is not the only thing that makes a good marriage.  It has actually removed a lot of pressure from us to not have to perform when deep down we would rather not. We do not discuss what hubby does to satisfy himself, or if he does.  That is now his private business.  I do not feel guilty as he does not feel guilty for not doing things to me.
    • Morrell1951
      Morrell1951 Chrisy

      Posted

      That's exactly how it is with us. I hope this conversation just sitting her on the internet is of some help to someone.
  • Bridge_of_Sighs
    Bridge_of_Sighs Morrell1951

    Posted

    Thank you all for this thread. I have a lovely husband who doesn't want to hurt me or have sex if I don't want to, so we don't. And haven't for years. And I've felt guilty for years, and can't tell him because he wouldn't want me to feel guilty either. It's hard not to feel as if I'm letting him down and being a rubbish wife but my libido's gone too. How can you feel sexy when you're uncomfortable? Or only think of your undercarriage as a problem area to smear steroids on? And it's very isolating isn't it? not something you can chat over with your friends. So thank you so much Morrell for raising it.
    • Morrell1951
      Morrell1951 Bridge_of_Sighs

      Posted

      Glad you wrote here, Bridge. You're another lucky one. We only feel guilty because we live in a world that makes such a fuss about sex. I've managed to stop feeling guilty by paying close attention to my guy and realising he's just fine. Recently he decided to shave off his beard. He shaves at night so our good-night nuzzle is very smooth for me. If making love is skin-to-skin, why not just face-to-face? Then we spoon for a while. Every now and then I mention talking to other sufferers on this forum. His memory is poor, so I do refresh it occasionally in case he starts wondering if things have improved enough to try sex again. But I'm really quite sure he's 100% OK now.
  • Chrisy
    Chrisy Morrell1951

    Posted

    This is lovely.  We all need to realise that there is more to sex than marriage  and cuddles and kisses also mean a lot.........Talking is so much more important and fun too....
    • Morrell1951
      Morrell1951 Chrisy

      Posted

      Thanks, Chrisy. You meant there's more to marriage than sex, didn't you?

      I'm reading the novel Snow Falls on Cedars. In it a widow is recalling the wild, frequent sex that she now realizes was the entire foundation of her marriage. Now that her husband is dead she can safely ask herself what would they have had if and when the passion faded later on. She thinks maybe not much.

      The other thing we've been doing is treating ourselves to a really nice meal out about once a month. We live very frugally, so I'm not talking great luxury. But more than just food.

      The thing is to do what we can to make sure we don't end up feeling like ordinary roommates.

    • hanny32508
      hanny32508 Morrell1951

      Posted

      Yes, there's more in a relationship than sex.  Luckily we had that already in place, but perhaps not as aware - doing things together, good conversations, sightseeing, and even playing scrabbles have a more important role than ever before.  Affection has expanded, respect increased, more sensitivity towards each other's needs and desires.  
    • Chrisy
      Chrisy hanny32508

      Posted

      HeHe! Lol, trust me to mix up my words Morrell. Still I love the way you have described your life now hanny. It is the same with us. We always did those things but now we definately show each other more respect and care more about each others needs, not that we didn't do that before, it is just more noticeable now I think.
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