Trying hard to hold on!

Posted , 3 users are following.

Hi,I am a 37years old. I have suffered depression for many years.I was on prozac for the last 10years. I have managed in this time,to keep it more or less under control. But now it has come back to bite me big time!!!

I have a young son,and am finding it hard to cope. I don't want to be here anymore,am tired of existing. But in my heart I love him so much that what right do I have to make his life even harder!

Am fighting everyday,just to try to keep going. Am scared of how I am feeling,I just wish it would go away! I feel so trapped with no way out,there is this deep dark hole of which I can't get out of.

I hate myself for feeling like this,and am sick of the nurses telling me it will take time. I started on Venlafaxine.a couple of days ago,am on a cross over period from Prozac. I have the support of nurses comming out to me,but am to scared to open up completly.Its like I have died inside,and hate life.I just want to scream,am at a loss.I feel very lost and alone,its hurting me so much inside.

I have sucide thoughts quite often,but then think of my little boy. I aslo think that sometimes he would be better off without me.I know in my heart that he needs his mum,but I can't stop these feelings!

I found this site by accident and thought that maybe if I could chat to people who felt the same,it may help?

Thanks for reading the above.

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4 Replies

  • Posted

    hi shy

    i was just reading your comments,i must say you really do sound like me ive been depressed for years too,im also 37 years old i have 4 children and find everyday a struggle,ive also considered suicide many times but thinking of my kids has stopped me,right now im going through hell with this depression,im crying alot i really dont care if i die,i was on anti depressants but when i was diagnosed with underactive thyroid i found that the anti depressants didnt make a difference so i stopped taking them,i do know exactly how you feel and your not alone,i have no social life no friends because of the way i am,i never go out,each day i feel like ive got to drag my feet to get through the day,i want to tell my doctor how i really feel but im to scared in case she thinks im loopy.

    i hope you feel better soon.

    take care


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  • Posted

    Hi Lynne,

    Thanks for ure reply. telling my doctor was probably one of the best things I did. They are closely watching my meds. Although at the min,I still feel the same.

    I understand that you can't help feeling the way you do,I to don't care if I live or die. All I want is these terrible thoughts and feelings to go,as am sure you do to.

    You are not LOOPY,just depressed. But I will say that it is hard,and very tough at times. I have lost alot of friends through my illness. I struggle with one child,so to try coping with four is amazing!

    Message me any time you want.

    Take care.

    Shy :o

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  • Posted

    smile hi shy. just been reading your note. i agree, telling your doc how you feel probably is a good thing. i tried it twice at my surgery but twice they told me to go home and take a look at my life as they felt they couldnt help. excuse me, but did they think i'd sat there in floods of tears making a complete fool of myself if i'd thought they could sort my homelife out. i wasn't coping full stop, thats why i went in the beginning. anyway, enuf of that. i'm sure lots of people think we're loopy at times, but i personally don't care anymore. not at the moment anyway. i'm sure we do loose lots of friends because of this depression, i think it has a stigma attached to it. i'm trying to find strategys rather than fighting it. if this is me, then so be it. i'm fed up of fighting it, i've decided to go with it. but it really cheeses me off. i really feel sorry for the loved ones we have around us too. i remember going out with my mum a few months ago, before i was diagnosed, she told my very close sister it was like goint for a ride out with a stranger. to my family and friends I AM REALLY SORRY.

    keep smiling and carrying on. even though it is tuff.

    now i cud do with a hug for getting some of that off my chest.


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  • Posted

    I have suffered from depression but at a manageable level all my adult life. Never had the courage to tell the Doctor because of stigma attached and very averse to taking anything that affects my brain or sanity. Coped by spending days in bed when family/at work or school, reading to distract myself and yes leaning on friends from church. They have been good when I have dumped my emotions on them - they have to be, its part of the job- and I find helping at voluntary activities where I help more disadvantaged has helped. My faith does help-dumping it on God but sometime he seems too far away.

    Now am working on my negative thinking with some good books from library but progress is slow.

    To all of you hang on in there for the sake of your kids. As life goes on depression does get better- I've been through so much and I'm still here,so less scared of what's to come.

    we'd all give our lives to save our kids so why not just hug them and hang on in there to prevent them from having the worst thing happen to them- suicide of a parent.

    Do something to treat yourself every day, you are worth it, be as kind to yourself as to an ailing child, the only thing wortwhile in the universe is love

    Lots of love and prayers


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