trying to

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I have been with my girlfriend for two years now. I love her and her daughter who is now 4. There have been many changes in our relationship since we started out. Our major issue is her alcoholism. It has become almost routine where we go 90 days and then relapse. I have tried to get her family involved but no luck. I work nights so its difficult to know but I'm assuming AA meetings 1-3 times a month. I am the wallet and had helped her get a job but that maybe lasts 2 days - 3 weeks and then its a relapse on the job and her getting fired. So I promoted her to stay home and focus on recovery for the past year but its been a continuous cycle. I am tired of it but here are my fears and heartaches. First I am afraid of the relapse that will happen afterwards with no one around but her daughter. Second I am the financial bearer of the family and make the only income. So when it has come to the jumping ship she has to find a place to go and a job which turns these horrible moments into painful days and longer. Third is that I love this woman and I love that little girl but I am the bad guy who cant "accept her disease". This whole ordeal has drained me and I feel guilty for wanting to leave. She is an amazing woman and I don't want to leave but I am done feeling alone in carrying the load. Any advice on how I may be able to approach this and possibly save a friendship?

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  • Posted

    hi are you in the uk ? its obvious you care greatly for partner, AA meetings arent for everyone. Try googling the sinclair method,it involves taken medication but a lot of people have great success, there are a lot of people using this forum and fb page who really know about it. unfortunately im an addict and its wrecking my life ,its horrible disease,good luck

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  • Posted

    Tough for you! No win situation. Tsm orthe sinclair method vie the c3 foundation. Joanna will assist her but only if your girlfriend w antts to be saved!😤 i realised that i was destroying my family life and stopped 6 years ago. How to convince her?.best of luck Robin

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  • Posted

    tricky isnt it compound your problems with alcahol funny dislexia and looking at the word and think naaa thats not how you spell it.

    it passes thats the thing you go through few hours of thinking drink but the thing is to find somthing to focus you do like doing when those times arrise now ten pints a night or two or three bottles of wine every night type of thing which ever i felt like at the time and i just thought it was normal but only diagnosed AdHd about 5-6 years ago so all before then was my brain going at the dopimine fix, obviously medicaded for AdHD BUT THE TRICK IS TO FIND SOMTHING TO FOCUS ON AS AN ESCAPE TO BE THINKING ON HAVING A DRINK.

    bike ride anything but ponder on drink.

    then other things will sort them selves out like relationships and work and stuff if the relationships and work still dont work when of the drink it means end them and turn the page and move on as life is to short to be killing your self on drinking so plz give it a go you will get dopimine fix from exetcise like rowing swimming cycling an hour a day when you think on drinking as an escape route is a healthy and good positive thing to be doing.

    10 years me with out a drink and it will always be there nawimg at your brain unless you have a plan of attack when you do relaps hows that sound

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  • Posted

    Hi there,

    Your story made me feel sad as you obviously love your girlfriend but you are in a no win situation at the moment. The first thing is that have you talked to your g/f and told her how you are feeling? She might not realise how her drinking is affecting you and that you have come to this point in your life. Maybe if she knows how much this situation is distressing you she might want to start doing something about it. This is the crucial part as she 100% needs to want to give up alcohol herself otherwise she will continually relapse.

    You are in a horrible place at the moment and this isn't fair on you. They say 'you have to be cruel to be kind' and I think that this is the time when you have to be honest with her and also tell her that you are not going to fund her habit anymore as you are in effect not helping her by buying her the alcohol as she has no incentive to stop.

    There is so much help out there but your g/f needs to realise how serious this has become for you both.

    I wish you all the best and stay on this forum as there are some lovely helpful people on here. Let us know how you get on and remember you are not alone.

    All best wishes

    Claire xx

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    • Posted

      claire well done i did say inwas dislexic i thought for some reason he had the drink issue , i recon my thoughts would work if the drinker or the partner, it all still boils down to a bit of escape from reality, tricky saying to your other half you want me to get you a gym membership as the other half might think whats he emplying , i recon she needs a time out from normal goings on , few combat dance classes a week give her new people and experiance somthing that is a challenge but healthy combat dance class couple nights a week then its healthy as a chance for her to burn of anything thats annoying her she will think its nice of you as it shows your not stopping her from getting out and enjoying her own bit of time out not saying combat dance classes but most gyms do that sort of thing.

      it sounds more like now claire has pointed out its not you , then your not pointing fingers saying oy you you have a drink issue see you dont want to be making arguments up if its just a bit of escapisum she wants ,

      combat dance classes at a gym spect she would enjoy , its not that she is getting up grabbing a bottle of vodka is it so its not sounding day in day out so it sounds like every so often she has a blow out so find her a time out thing for a few hpurs a week of an evening to do not invoving alcahol

      claires fault me thinking up that as she read what you wrote right the first time around 😃

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  • Posted

    This is a familiar story, with the strict abstinence approach culminating in relapse again and again. I'd suggest having a look at The Sinclair Method (which I used) that actually uses the compulsion to drink against itself. Naltrexone, taken an hour before the first drink of the day gradually lowers drinking levels over 6-12 months and eventually eliminates the craving for alcohol for about 80% of those that try it. In the UK, Nalmefene is used for drinking reduction and is offered on NHS, but it's only prescribed within a certain range of drinking and there are a fair number of hoops to jump through to get it prescribed. To use TSM till one is indifferent to alcohol might well require a private doctor who is willing to prescribe Naltrexone off label.

    I was at 300-400 drinks per month prior to starting TSM in the early part of 2016. In July of that year, I became indifferent to alcohol and cut my drinking levels down below 5% of what they were before TSM. I'd suggest you have a look at this page here on Patient, you'll find a link to more info about The Sinclair Method:

    https://patient.info/forums/discuss/useful-resources-487627

    This approach brings sobriety at the end of the process rather than trying to force it at the beginning, then dealing with relapses and multiple trips "rock bottom". I've seen it help where attempts at strict abstinence only seem to bring more misery. Don't get me wrong, if abstinence seems to be working, it's a good approach, but most that attempt it will relapse multiple times within 5 years and often within the first year. Google "Alcohol Deprivation Effect" for more info on this. And best luck to you both. There are alternatives to the traditional approach that are very effective indeed.

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    • Posted

      What a great reply ADE free! You have the experience and knowledge! What an achievement. A great solution but the girlfriend has to be ready for this... Robin

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    • Posted

      Thanks, Robin! Yes, one has to be ready to embark on a different path when it comes to TSM, but there isn't the same leaping off a cliff effect that there is with the extreme effect of detox and strict abstinence. People tend to find TSM less daunting which helps avoid the personal and collateral damage that comes with waiting till the classic "rock bottom" happens and forces your hand. People can start TSM even if they just want to cut back on their drinking, though about a quarter of them eventually become abstinent via TSM as they lose all attraction to alcohol.

      But TSM is only one kind of Medication Assisted Treatment for Alcohol Use Disorder. If one doesn't work for someone that isn't successful with strict abstinence, certainly another one will. Everyone can be be free of slavery to alcohol.

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  • Posted

    It sounds like you care tremendously about your partner and her child. It can take a lot of strength, courage and patiences to support someone who is struggling so much. It is important for you to also look after yourself. Does your partner have any insight into how this is affecting you and that you are very frustrated? Maybe, if she knew you how you were feeling. She would seek professional support or try other treatments to help her recover. Please take care.

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