Trying to be in a relationship with someone who suffers from depression.

Posted , 5 users are following.

Hi,

I have joined this forum because I am totally lost and hoping someone may be able to help.

I have been with my partner for four years. The first two were fantastic, he made me very happy. However, in the past two years he has appeared to be suffering from some form of depression. The first time it happened, I noticed he was acting increasingly distant, but we were long distance during this time so I thought it might just be that strain. After a few weeks he broke up with me and just said he could’nt handle the relationship anymore. I couldn't let go as I was so in love and he seemed a bit unsure too. A month later we decided to get back together and give it another go. 

Then, a few months after this the same thing happened again. But this time he explained more of how he was feeling, which was just that he had no motivation for anything, his mind felt foggy and felt guilty that he couldn’t offer me anything. A few months went by, same thing happened again and we got back together. It has now been like this four or five times. The most recent, and we are still ‘not together’ now, he has asked for total space and that I don’t talk to him or see him at all. It all seems so impossible as we are so happy when he is fine, talking about our future quite seriously. It’s taken it’s toll on me as I’m constantly nervous about when he is going to next end things, but I also have feelings for him that I’ve never had before. I’m 29 and have had several relationships.

I don’t have much knowledge or experience of depression. I am sure that’s what he is describing, as I get repeated messages of him not feeling excited about anything, feeling ‘useless’ and tired all the time. My friends all tell me to let go, that he is messing me around but I really don’t believe that any of this is his fault. I’m really hoping someone with a similar situation might be able to offer me advice, if this is something that sounds genuine or if he just doesn’t love me enough. He has seen a GP but refuses to do any more about it as he says it’s something he should be able to ‘sort’ himself. I don’t want to give up after nearly 5 years on someone I would do anything for. 

Thank you so much for any help.

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6 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi Any. I hate to hear you say that you don't want to give up on something after 5 years. There seems to me to be a pattern here (break up..go back together) now he wants nothing to do with you! I would be afraid of wasting more of my young life on a man that cannot make up his mind. Do you think that you suffer from low self esteem. Not trying to be mean but you deserve so...much more!! And it seems to me that he knows by now that he can get you back at the drop of a hat. Why do you always say yes without seeing a long pattern of change. He can't use depression as a reason to treat you poorly. I am depressed and I never allow myself to use that as a reason to mistreat the people that I 'really' love. He has to be accountable. What do you think? Diane 

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  • Posted

    Amy I read your post and sadly I am seeing an exact copy of my story. You were describing my behaviour towards my partner. I was with my partner for over 30 years but the depression takes over and in your head you feel no-one should have to be with you. You believe you are a failure, you'll damage anyone who has anything to do with you. I pushed everyone away. closest people get hurt and it can affect their health. It must be affecting you if you are posting on Here!. Having had a family I now face life alone. My head tells me I deserve it. My partner and children couldn't cope with me and walked away. My best friend ignores me when I say 'have nothing to do with me' maybe because she isn't living with it 24/7 but it takes real strength and courage not to take the behaviour personally and not to walk away. I don't want you to get hurt like my family did but I also know the pain and confusion of the depression. You can't make him better and it's not your fault but you can be there for him. I do believe he is ill and needs professional help but even accepting that is a huge battle he has to face. He believes not being able to ' snap out of it' makes him pathetic and he'll hate himself for it.

    I hope I haven't made it more confusing for you. I think he is lucky to have someone seeing the power of a depressive Illness and understanding as I have with my best friend. It's what keeps me going.

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  • Posted

    Please Amy don't get confused. You can't be with anyone that keeps you in a yo yo relationship. It's on him if he wants to get better. Take care of you. 

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  • Posted

    Sounds like something is going on with his physical health if he's tired all the time, depressed, and has brain fog.  Is he having any gastrointestinal, respiratory, dizziness, or other physical symptoms, even intermittently?  Has he had his thyroid levels checked and a recent CBC blood test?  

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  • Posted

    Hi Amy. Just a reminder that whatever is going on with him he is using it to break up with you over and over and over again. Again we cannot use our issues to be abusive to others in our life. I hope you start working on you and moving forward. Diane
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  • Posted

    Thank you for all your helpful comments. I spoke with him last night and he finally admitted that he needs help from someone- other than me! 

    I know that he has treated me unfairly but it’s so hard because when he is fine and we are together, things are great. I feel bad that I make myself so available and that he knows he can pick me up whenever he wants, so I need to change that and try to be Ok on my own, until he is ready to offer me more? I don’t want to give up on him entirely because I think it could work once he has a better handle on it? Thanks again for all your advice. 

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