Trying to get myself killed

Posted , 12 users are following.

Had a week of abstinence and hit the wine hard yesterday, around lunch time. 

I find myself very angry when I drink and I'm verbally lashing out. A person I don't recognise. 

I think I must really hate myself. 

I then went and sat in another bar and just started knocking back the wines. 

It's all a bit vague this morning as I'm not even sure how I got home but there's a bump on my head and the feeling that I walked in front of a car yesterday evening. 

I think people outside the pub helped me out of the road and someone walked me home. But I can't be sure. 

I split up from my fiancé 3 wks ago as I was an embarrassment to him. His words. 

I have lovely kids all teenagers but I really hate the mess I've made of my life through drink. 

I've been done for drink driving twice in 3 yrs so I got a 3 yr ban this time and I'm one yr in. So I haven't learnt from mistakes. I haven't told my current employer about my recent conviction as I fear they'll sack me so I'm living a lie with constant fear of being found out. 

I'm on self destruct. I know I am. I have no friends and just want it all to go away. But the more I drink the worse I'm getting. 

If anyone can advise I'd really appreciate it. 

2 likes, 15 replies

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15 Replies

  • Posted

    You might want to go to the nearest A&E (If you are in the UK) and get your bump checked for concussion.

    ?While you are there, them what you have said in your post, that your drinking is getting to be a serious problem, and see what they can do for you.

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  • Posted

    I was self destructing myself and nearly got thrown out of the house! My lovely girls were only 2 years and 4 months old as rwins. Turned it all around 5 years ago since I simply had to. Never ever too late to improve. Try not to think b back and no regrets. You can do it from today. Think if your family...
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  • Posted

    Oh my Rosie, how I feel for you my lovely. This could have been my story, but this is about you. It may be helpful to start with little things, such as a diary, to keep notes on (a) your journey and (b) the event that pushed you off your one week abstinence. From little acorns...... Also, maybe stop telling yourself you "think" you hate yourself because if the truth were known, we are ALL victims of people who have told us we are worthless. Like the majority of alcoholics, you are most likely a very loving, giving and caring person. Your children, like mine, will love you no matter what, even though they are going through this with you. They know instinctively you are going through hell, and make yourself believe that it will all come right in the end. My kids went through hell with me since they were 5, they are now in their 40's and we are best friends. I am sorry your fiancee left, but see it as a benefit now, to concentrate on YOU. I am only 1 week in sobriety, so have only knowledge of our joint "adventures"😂😂 together. I have tagged this post to watch in on you. Think positive, it's never too late my lovely. Let us know how you are doing 💕

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    • Posted

      Hi patricia

      Lovely and honest reply. Not heard from you for a while.

      Your kids are like mine, they never gave up on me. The eldest even lives at home still!

      Yep, they went through hell too. Didn’t bring friends home, no sleepovers like their friends. Not knowing whether mum would be sober or drunk when they came home from school. No child should have to go through that.

      Like you say I get on great with them now. Love is unconditional. Never in my wildest dreams did I think my son would trust me to look after my grandchildren, or that I’d be capable.

      Ive been given a second chance with the two year old. I’m doing all the things I should have done with my kids. Even ran the mums race at sports day with the eldest!!

      Stick with it, never too late

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    • Posted

      Hi vickylou, reading your message, I wonder how our kids survived their childhood, which is still a mystery to me as I have very little memory of anything. I feel so ashamed and sorry for wrecking their youth, but like you, I am now trusted with my one and only granddaughter for which I am grateful. We are the lucky ones, but my message is to everyone on this site that it is never, ever too late to keep trying to get rid of that wicked monkey on your shoulder, always saying you can manage just one drink. God bless you for sharing your thoughts and try to stay positive everyone 💕

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    • Posted

      Hi Patricia

      Whether my kids were just being kind, I don’t really know. I’d like to think they had some good memories of their childhood.

      My eldest grandson was telling me that his class were discussing bullying and the best way to deal with bullies. My daughter said to her brother, “can you remember when mum waded in to the group everyone was scared of, when they were bullying some younger boy and kicking him?” His reply amazed me “yeah we were all treated like royalty after that, cos our mum had sorted the group out”!

      I had totally forgotten that and said I was probably drunk. The three of them surprised me by telling me about the good memories they had, the fun times and some of the things I’d done with them.

      They all told me to stop dwelling about things from years ago and remember the fun times. They pointed out the positive, not the negative. Stop worrying, they’d moved on and time I did the same

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  • Posted

    Thank you to the lovely people for your replies. 

    I've just had an update. Two guys from the pub walked me down the hill and got me in the house where my eldest son then took over. I sat myself out on the back step just crying my eyes out ( haven't cried in years). My daughter then said I fell in the hall way going up the stairs. She said I'd 'kinda wet myself' 

    Oh dear! The shame. 

    She got me undressed and put me to bed. 

    The fiancé (ex) is saying he loves me. 

    (My son is his apprentice so he'll have found out the state I was in yesterday evening) he says it was me that finished it but I know he's deeply embarrassed about me as I got his family kicked out of a restaurant because I was drunk!

    I'm a drunk aren't I? 

    I know I have deep psychological issues going on and the drink drives this outward. 

    I'm ready to go out and get drunk again tonight and last night I was prepared to go and lie in a field and hopefully not wake up from this. 

    The suggestion about going to A&E is not a good one in my case. I got taken in a few weeks ago after being thrown out of a club and knocking my head on the pavement. Yes, I was drunk. 

    While there I was taking photos on my phone as the staff were being rude to me as I was drunk it's horribly condescending and just made me feel worthless. (Well just reiterated it) 

    They then reported me to my manager as I work for the trust and I was given a dressing down by my manager! 

    So can't go back there and say I have a drink problem!! 

    I have two options drink myself to death or do something about it. Not sure I'm strong enough. 

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    • Posted

      Hi Robin. 

      Thank you for asking. 

      I've had an ok week. Still drinking but not so much or at least what I mean is haven't been out to regret the consequences. 

      I have chickens and left some eggs on the doorstep for my neighbour's. I think I've p'd them off a bit recently. But they were really happy and came over to me in Tesco and smiles and stuff to thank me. Wasn't really sure they'd want them. 

      Have been out doing some gardening as well. The first part of the week I didn't drink. I also went to my favourite restaurant and only had two and normally I'd have three. 

      Did have a skinful last night and was singing very loudly in the garden. 

      Thought I'd lost my phone that's why I'm up so early and even woke the chickens and rooster up this morning. Can't say Johnny was too happy as he was c**k a doodle doo ing for some time. (Sure neighbours hate me) 

      I still feel a bit drunk tbh but had a lovely BBQ yesterday evening. 

      Worrying thing is I text the ex fiancé for first time in 3 wks. Want to see me tonight. I've really been much happier on my own. 

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    • Posted

      Quite a busy week. I did gardening yesterday. Taking my twin girls swimming aged 7 and lunch in the garden later. Birthday party tomorrow in an amusement park. They do a wicked Sunday roast £9! Overlooking the ocean! Ciao!

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    • Posted

      Oh god the perils of texting an ex when drinking.I have had to lie my way out of many a fix but found that that actually honesty was the best in the end . Good luck Rosie 😊

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  • Posted

    You got asked to leave a restaurant after your fiancé encouraged you to order more wine, knowing how it effects you. Hardly the action of a [u]FIANCÉ 

    ?[/u]you had just saved someone’s life for God’s sake.

    You can beat this, believe you me. I tried umpteen times to abstain from alcohol and after each binge, it took longer and longer to recover. Google kindling and PAWS which will explain why you feel like you do.

    There are medications available to help you. I swear by acamposate (campral). It really does stop the cravings for booze.

     

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