Trying to offer some positivity and hope...

Hey everyone,

I just wanted to take some time to write my journey with my citalopram increase so far, as I visit here a lot and one of the main things that has helped me through is reading everyone else's story.

I was on 20mg of Citalopram for 4 years - I can't remember how I felt when I started them first time round as I was straight into chemotherapy a week later, so upping my dose from 20mg to 30mg was like starting all over again for me. 20 always seemed to work well for me but my brain unlocked a lot of trauma and I needed my serotonin rebalancing.

I had a 'blip' whereby I was prescribed a different brand and it was like I started from scratch again. For those who ever wonder if brand changes make a difference - they do and it's not just down to the excipients or coatings of the drug, bioequivalence is a massive factor and I personally think, whilst many may be OK with brand changes, it's always best to stick to the same brand if you can. I spoke to my psychologist about this and she also confirmed that brand changes can cause relapses. If you'd like to know more about bioequivalence etc. feel free to message me. I started on Teva, was cutting a pill in half in order to make my 30mg. I then went onto Accord 20mg and Milpharm 10mg. I've pretty much always used Accord and been great with it, my problem was with Milpharm - I took these in the past and had to have an ECG due to them giving me palpitations. I lasted 19 days on them this time before I got 10mg by the Accord brand and two days later, the difference was remarkable, although I felt like I'd restarted my dose increase again and was hit by all the usual start up side effects. I made the brand switch 3 weeks ago, so I am classing this as 3 weeks into a new dose increase as this is how long the new brand has been consistently in my system.

Side effects I've had are:

*Nausea

*Headaches

*Night Sweats

*Vivid dreams

*Increased Urination

*Fatigue

*Insomnia

*Euphoria

*Anxiety (not very often)

*Lack of motivation

*Lower appetite

*Dry mouth

*Sinus issues/blocked ears

*Woozy, foggy head

*Gritting my teeth

*Enlarged pupils - a lot at first, now mainly when the drug first enters my system and not as prominent.

The list of side effects looks much worse than it actually is and most of these side effects have tapered off. 3 weeks in, I still have fatigue, although I can sometimes have insomnia. For example, the last two days I felt sedated and absolutely shattered whereby I slept for 8/9 hours and then had a nap in the day. Today I've been up since 5am after 6 hours sleep and feel ok. The fatigue and energy, for me, is hit and miss. I still have very vivd dreams, but they're not bad. Night sweats here and there, headache here and there, sinus issues here and there - nothing major that I can't deal with. I still grit my teeth lots and only stop when I realise what I'm doing.

Mood wise - I am more levelled out. I have severe PTSD after a cancer misdiagnosis and suffer very badly with anxiety and intrustive thoughts/flashbacks. I have had a couple of bad days where I felt like I'd gone backwards - last Monday I woke up in tears and they didn't stop for hours on end. I had a number for a service here in Liverpool that you can call if you are struggling - it is manned by psychologists and I gave them a call as I felt so hopeless. They were absolutely amazing with me and helped me through this dip, explaining that the meds will cause waves and you have to ride them until it levels out. I also have my own psychologist and we are starting trauma therapy - I really recommend some form of therapy if you're starting citalopram - I think it's as equally as important as the medication. The next day I woke up and felt brighter, like a switch had been flicked, it really can be that different from one day to the next.

Yesterday I was more anxious, having more thoughts but I think when you're fatigued due to the meds, it doesn't help at all.

I'm nowhere near better yet, but I am seeing massive differences and I can tell you from my experience, it does get easier. I'm starting to acknowledge the blips when they happen, rather than allowing them to send me into more anxiety and upset. I let them occur and wait for them to pass.

Some things I'd recommend are:

*Routine - make one and stick to it as much as you possibly can.

*Find a therapy that works for you.

*Stick to the same brand of citalopram

*Take your meds at the same time each day - I can tell when my body needs a dose as I get a foggy, thick head - it's hard to describe. I'll also have the odd brain zap.

*Have early nights

*Force yourself to do more - if you don't, you will literally sit on the couch all day because it robs your motivation

*Take vitamins - especially vitamin D

*Plenty of water!

*Meditate - I meditate every single day, mostly before bed and it helps you to wind down

*If you have triggers that you are aware of - get rid of them. I've deleted social media and anything that can be intrusive to a positive mindset

*Eat well, but have treats, too.

*Walk daily

*Use forums like this to see how other people like you get on - reading success stories has kept me going

I had a week where I thought the meds may be too much for me as I missed a dose and felt good, but I realise it's too early to possibly tell and due to the half life of Citalopram, I probably still had some in my system. I was actually taking morphine at the time which probably made me feel high (I suffer with bouts of acute pancreatitis), so I think I jumped the gun with my assumption.

It's very easy on the hard days to think that you're not going to get better and that a bad day means it's not working - they trick us into forgetting the better days we have had. The better days will come again and the bad days will become less and less. For me, it was little things that I noticed a difference in which made me realise how far I'd come, such as being able to spend more time on my own without losing myself in difficult thoughts, getting back to organising the house the way I normally like it, cooking properly again, feeling more hopeful/happy about silly things like looking forward to a TV programme- small things. You won't suddenly wake up one day and feel like 'you' again, but the transition will happen.

Keep going everyone and thanks for your posts.

Amy x

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