Trying to understand

From as long as I can remember, I've always felt a little bit of an odd ball. I don't think it helped with all my sisters being dark haired and dark eyes, where as I came out blonde hair blue eyes. When I was little I was a tomboy (not much has changed now) I had this really cool BMX bike, which I would ride round and round the block one my own with not a care in the world and I loved it. My sisters use to nick name me Alfie (which still to this day, I don't understand why). For as long as I remember I could only handle one friend at a time. Jennifer was my first friend (from my first home), James was my best friend in Primary School. When I moved, I found it difficult to make friends, but rather found myself being approached by others and I just went a long with it. By year seven I merged into a group of girls, which I didn't feel comfortable with, I found myself not really connecting with them or anything they had to say - I was obsessed with Football. At secondary school, these girls formed friends with a couple of other girls, but rather be social with all of them I choose one girl to be my best friend. All was great, until one evening when my best friend invited everyone over for a sleepover, I found myself getting really tired very qickly and falling asleep. I woke up the following morning with toothpaste and crisps in my hair and felt very violated. Evening though I was hurt by what they had done, I still lached onto them, because they were my friends. It happened again and again, I would get tired and be the first to fall asleep and they would unlease hell on me. I found myself withdrawing myself from the group and wondering around the playground on my own. I was soon approach by another group of girls and they became my friends until school ended... I still, however focused more on one friend than the other. 

I wasn't considered a bright spark at school, but both my maths and science teacher notice a drive for something. I found myself bored a lot during maths (being in the low group) and getting easily distracted by others. I wasn't naughty or disruptive, but distracted yes. My teacher, who reminded me of the demon head master) gave me a book on algebra and my brain started ticking and I wasn't distracted by others. My Chemistry/ Physic teacher also noticed an interesting quality I had in science (again in the lower class) he predicted I'd get a B, which sent me over the moon with excitement. I also had a college day, which allowed us to take college classes in the field that our skills questionarrie ask; I got zoologist, chemistry and physics. Three things I never even thought of doing. I wanted to be a performer. I like the idea of getting on stage and pretending to be someone else, because I never really felt comfortable in my own skin, still don't now. 

Well of course I ignored what was starring me in the face and went to college to study Performing Arts, I never felt more alive to discover more about performing than ever. 

I was with people who shared similar interests and thought having friends would be eaiser. I couldn't have been more wrong. I was friends with a group of girls, but I loved getting my head stuck into the work (my grades proved this). I remember being ganged up on, because A had talked about Z, but because I told Z what A has said, I was more at fault (seriously, what?) I never got my head around this. I soon distanced myself and kept myself to myself... at one stage I was going to quit and my sister told me that my granddad, who was dead, had told me not to give up you're going to make it. It was the reason I kept going, after everything that had happened. At college I found myself really struggling to fit in, if the teacher asked me to sing, I couldn't as I felt this would bring more bullying and I was skipping class and just generally quite depressed. This was odd behaviour from someone who never missed a day off school, ever. My teacher noticed something wasn't right, but I always felt she didn't care for me, even thought she took me to the college counsellor and really tried to help me. I eventually went to see a specialist, who sat and talked with me... I don't remember much of what I said, but I do remember questioning my little sisters actions when she was ramming two cars together. The woman said that is was fine, I didn't think so. I believe the women must have told my mother that she wanted to prescribe me some medication, because my mother kept telling me that no matter what I have, I should never take pills. Funnily enough, now when the doctor gives me something, I read the instructions and if I don't like what I read, I won't take it. I only saw that specialist once, but I remember it was somewhere in mitchham. 

Well I managed to finish college with very good grades, considering and decided I wanted to go to drama school. I did all the auditions and didn't get in. I couldn't understand why, when people kept telling me I was good... I'd be upset about it internally, but never show it. I tend to deal with my problems on my own, rather than tell anyone. 

I eventually went to University at the age of 24 and again suffered the same problem (i.e. Friends with girls, who then turn on me for no apparent reason.) I know I decided before I went to Uni that I was going to get a degree not make friends, if I made them, great, If not no problem. 

I now have three close friends, but mostly can only deal with them on a one-to-one basis, I get really tired easily if I'm with more than two people. 

I do believe I have a very short attention span, easily distracted... I even thought I might perhaps have ADD, as I tend to fidgit a lot and play with my fingers, or tap my foot or sing out of the blue. 

I have OCD tendencies, but not enough to say it's that. I put myself down a lot, I have little or no self-esteem. I was utterly shocked when I won the drama prize at Uni, because I didn't think I'd deserved. Lecturers said it was down to my sheer focus on doing the work and my progress that they gave it to me. 

I didn't have a great relationship with my boyfriend, who I met when I was 17. I'm not saying he was completely at fault, I know I was the culprit many times. I use to call him Bart Simpson head, because the shape of his head would irrate me. I remember he got very angry with me, because he had a bad day at work and wanted to talk about it but I had to go to rehearsals. I thought I was doing the right thing coming home afterwards and not going to the pub with everyone, but I was very wrong. 

I use to also get very frustrated when he'd touch me with his feet. I can take his feet on my clothes, but as soon as it was on my skin I freaked out. It is also the same with anyone's feet. When childrens feet touched me, I would get angry and push their chair away from me. 

I also have a sensitivity to certain smells (which no one else had a problem with) glare from the street lights, car lights and traffic lights (again which everyone else seemed to be fine with) Police cars, loud noises like balloon popping, etc, really don't agree with me. I also find certain textures sickening to ate, Iike of going to be sick or I am. 

I was also diagnosed with Dyslexia when I was in my final year at uni, I spent a lot of my life thinking I was stupid, where as I just had trouble proccessing things. The women said that she believes its because of my intelligence that I managed to shadow any problem I might have, which is why I've gone unnoticed. 

All was fine, until my father past not so long a go and I can't seem to allow people in, I don't want the fuss. I want to cry on my own. I feel sad for my sisters and they keep telling me they're worried about me, when I don't see why. They too lost their father, not just me. 

Oh and one more thing, when I was working my manager told me that she thought I was Bipolar, which again I don't think I am. I have moments like it, but I don't think its the case. 

I know what I've describe could be something of Aspergers, but I read a book which states that Aspergers come across as awkward... whilst in my head I feel very awkward and don't know what to say... others have said I am a people pleaser and seem very confident, which makes me question it as no.

All these things keep being fired at me, and quite frankly I'm so confused that my head is hurting with all the worry. 

I know I've talked a lot and I can't tell if any of this makes sense, which I guess it doens't. If anyone could shed light, or advice. It would be greatly appericated.

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