Type 1 Diabetic With Health anxiety support and advice needed.

Hello, I am a type 1 diabetic and have been so for 14 years since my diagnosis in 2001. I was diagnosed aged 5 and am now 19. In the past i was never really clued up about the risks of having diabetes, and the long term problems it could cause. My parents were always there to keep me right, but tended to just react to high or low blood glucose rather than making the effort to tightly control my diabetes. I have had a bit of a difficult upbringing (My mother is rather mental and hard to live with, and my father left us when i was 12 due to my mothers attitude after her 6 month spell in prison. My grandparents and father looked after my 2 siblings and myself whilst she was away. My family home which was once a reasonably happy and controlled place sharp became a doss house full of radgies and charvers pumped full of drugs my mam would let in and welcome as her friends) Through my teenage years i was very naive and would make some bad decisions regarding my health such as skipping insulin doses, leaving blood sugars to run high and going on wild benders with friends taking all sorts of substance as i wanted to have a good time. I also have been a regular cannabis user from age 13 until recently when i decided to stop for a while and now am smoking occasionally due to the amplified anxiety i get from heavy usage (i do not believe cannabis is the route cause for my anxiety but when i started becoming anxious the weed wasnt helping at all). When i was 16, in January 2012 i was admitted to hospital with DKA as i hadnt been testing or controlling my sugars and just living to party (I never thought anything bad would happen back then)... so i fell asleep after a heavy night only to sleep through my time to do insulin. I woke up in a very bad way; puking, wreching could barely see etc etc and if it hadnt been for one of my mams 'friends' gut instinct that this wasnt normal id have not been writing this now. I hadnt even a clue what DKA was, i was f***ing clueless!! it could have been prevented, my mother could have done more for me. after recieving treatment and returning home i came to a realisation... that i literally had my life in my hands. This was scary as i was for years just palming my diabetes off saying to myself 'whats the worst that could happen?'. I did start to take a little bit better care of myself after that, and tested 5 - 10 times a day after that. My readings were awful most of the time above 12mmol into the 20's sometimes and would have hypos too. There never seemed to be a balance. I cant imagine how bad they mustve been prior to my DKA.. My home was still being used by people and the lifestyle hadnt really changed at all, my siblings were not being taken care of properly, everything was a total mess and out of control. The only thing the DKA experience had done at the time is woke me up a bit. After another year of my mothers wild parties and neglect id had enough and left my mother to live with my amazing grandparents who i love so very much and owe my life to, literally. My little brother was taken from my mam and now lives with our father.. my younger sister still lives with my mam and i have a lot of respect for her as shes very strong minded. Even after i moved i was still making some poor desicions, taking substance and not caring for my health as much as i could. As the months of being away from that environment went on i started to get anxious quite often, feelings of worry for my health. Id start thinking that anything i took could kill me, and when i would take something like mcat id get very anxious and wish it was over. If i took a pill id get so worked up about it kicking in and have anxiety attacks. After months of 'before i take it and waiting for the drug to kick in anxiety' i decided to stop taking harder drugs for good and just smoke weed. I started to become more and more concerned and worried about my health, and started taking much better care of my diabetes, but still not as good as i could have. I managed to land myself with a full time job last year and was extatic. Though i had my job, money and was taking better care of myself i was still becoming increasingly anxious and worried everyday about my diabetes and what the future had to hold. I began reading into things and came to a realistation that our food and drink supplies are riddled with dangerous chemicals, and started avoiding certain products containing aspartame and MSG in particular. I noticed a decrese in physical discomfort when avoiding these products but still the anxiety was getting worse. (although i was in a better place with loving grandparents i was struggling mentally) I began distrusting my insulin because it was made using Genetic Engineering and demanded the doctor let me try animal insulin (Hypurin Pig insulin, i got given long and intermediate to account for my Novomix 30 and Novorapid) I also started costing the NHS a hell of a lot in test strips using up to 50 a day which i still do, as i was desperate to know where my blood sugars were all the time. It was christmas just gone i started using the animal insulin, and ive never been so scared in my entire life... to have my whole existance in my hands and to have to keep watching how the new insulin was acting made me a wreck. I was in turmoil. Id never fealt so responsble for my own life ever, i had predictable blood sugars whilst using novmix and novorapid, although not within range enough. But when i changed insulin the peak and the way my levels would change was very different. I mentally couldnt deal with it and after 3 days decided to change back to Novomix 30 and Novorapid... my anxiety then hit the worst its ever been. Everyday at work i was bombarded with panicing thoughts and the feeling i could be dead tomorrow, i was checking my blood sugars more than ever and every bad reading id get id be so upset and depressed about it i just didnt know how to handle it (thankfully i still have my job, as i wont let my work colleagues know im in that state, i did so well to keep it all inside and will do everything to keep my job). Through january i was having a lot of panic attacks and feelings of losing control, every second that went past fealt like i was urging closer to my demise, or to the loss of my sanity. Every toke of weed i had (which in the past helped me alot with nerves and stress) made me feel twice as anxious and hopeless. I decided then to quit weed for as long as i saw nesseccary to clear my head and try combat this daily anxiety. Stopping that helped, and my change in thoughts were very noticable although the anxiety still remainded very powerful. My anxiety over that month was terrible it always fealt like i wanted to just scream help at the top of my voice, it was as if something was trying to break out of my body but couldnt. it was horrible, i began to think this is how id be for the rest of my life.. I found being with my gradparents and friends and just talking helped me relax a little and the extent of that anxiety subsided after around 4 weeks with a clear head (although i was till a wreck it was a hell of a lot easier to deal with). Now i would say my mental state was how i was before my terrible episode; anxious about my health, checking sugars all the time and worrying a lot. but no where near as bad as i fealt (i fear this could happen again though) i now only smoke weed on select occasions like weekends or nights out and find it can go either way in terms of relieveing or enhancing the anxiety. I plan now to continue having breaks from weed, and never get back into a habit of everyday use... This whole experience has changed me as a person, im the most empathetic and kind person you could ever meet and all i want is world peace and to live happilly. I love being just in positive peoples company and communicating with people on higher levels, and spending time with my grandparents and good friends. Everybody i know says ive changed so much its as if im a new person, that im kind and my outlook on life is great. I have my struggles to thank for me being this person. Although im broken i wont ever stop being as good of a person as i can. I believe love is all i can give back, and i feel great satisfaction when i make someone feel good about themselves or let them know ill always be there to love them. I never used to think like that. i used to be a selfish naive, clueless, idiotic human being. Late last year i was on the hunt for anxiety relief.. I found psilocybin (magicmushrooms) to be the one of the most effective recent experiences of my life, as it shows you how beautfiul this planet is, and how connected we truly are. The few times i did mushrooms last year before my severe episode of anxiety, i fealt great afterwards, and thank them a lot for making me see how amazing everything really is. I havent done high dose sessions (obviously with my diabetes i need to take extreme precautions) but plan to in the future, as my research has suggested a journey on psilocybin could really really help me with my terminal illness based anxiety. I have also experimented with MDMA recently, in very controlled amouts and have had some of the most anxious free nights of my life with some of my best friends. (i had to overcome the whole drug kicking in anxiety when using these substances) but would never dream of taking anything that would harm my body. I have done these with pure intention to relieve anxiety. Im very thankful to have had these amazing experiences in my times of mental hell.. I also tried a Continous Glucose Monitoring System recently on trial to see if i would benefit from it. My anxiety about waiting to see what my blood sugar was reduced massively as i could just take this machine out of my pocket and see where i was. I hope i have a good chance of getting one permanent and am seeing my Diabetic specialist in a couple weeks to discuss this further. Im seeing a therapist for CBT treatment as of recently, but thats still in its early stages. I also meditate as much as i can and always try to think positive and be as kind and loving as i can be. I just wish i was happy and content. Onto my diabtes treatment... At the moment i use 12.5 - 14 units of novo mix in the morning and bolus at work for lunch around 2 -3 units of novorapid, depending on what im eating. i then do 12.5 - 14 units of novomix at teatime. i usually have a lowering blood sugar 2 and a half hours after injecting my morning dose. and thats after a spike up to around 13 - 14 mmol max an hour after breakfast. so ill snack to keep myself up to about 6 -7mmol before my lunch and bolus (unless its not a weekday then i wont have lunch or bolus and just snack lightly till teatime) Usually my sugars are ok between 5 - 9mmol till i get home then ill do my evening dose and have tea and usually my sugars will spike to 13 -14 max after that too, then presumably my sugars will drop after 2- 3 hours and ill snack lightly until bed to bring my sugars between 7 - 10. i always make sure by blood sugar is going up slightly so i dont risk nighttime hypos, and stopping having supper has helped a lot with waking hyperglycaemia. Ill wake up to do a shot of insulin 2 hours prior to me waking up properly so i dont inject my morning dose and eat breakfast with a stupidly high reading. i used to wake up with readings up to 20mmol after precaution supper, but now it will only really go as high as 14mmol, and thats easier and safer to rectify. Also if my sugar ever spikes way too high ill give myself a bolus dose to bring it down (im doing a lot less corrective than i used to as my eating habits have changed)(my sugar levels are never the same all the time sometimes they can be higher or lower than expected, theres really no guarantee). I used to skateboard straight after teatime dosage and meal which caused a hypo as early as an hour after injecting so ive had to stop skating after my teatime dose. In the future on occasions I plan on keeping my sugars at a decent level, going skating before my tea then dosing after an hour or so skating rather than before, because i dont want to have to stop that as i love skateboarding). Also my insulin has been playing up a bit recently, not peaking at usual times meaning im staying high for longer after meals and going lower later. Its a real juggling game and im just trying to get by, i know this post is long but i really needed to get it all out. Any feedback, advice, and support would be great. Thankyou for your time. Peace and love

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