Um... Well I don't know exactly if I am depressed or have anxiety or neither, What should I do?

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I am new to this website and forum, extermly sorry if I messed up in some way by posting this.

Sorry for the long post I just put down everything the jist is that I don't know if have anxiety or depression or something else, I am confused. Thanks

Well, I have at least noticed I have had a problem for at least a month. I have always had some anxiety problems, my mother has always told me that I worry too much, I have accepted that as me just thinking about what could go wrong even though it probably wont, I didn't really see it as much of a problem.

During second semester of last year I met this very nice person and we started to just talk a lot about just life and such. Over time I noticed that my anxiety is not necessary normal and this person, my friend helped me with it, or atleast tried to. but anyway it started to get worse I would normally really only get panic attacks or anxiety attacks after school and such not really affecting my life a lot. Then it started to happen during school which sucked, I still kept my grades up but I felt absolutely horrible I would just get scared basically for no reason, heart pounding, breathing heavy and such but no one noticed because I am very good at hiding my emotions from people which can be good and bad. When it started to get worse I opened up more to my friend who was there for me and still is in her own way. But when I did, it started to become too much for her to handle when I said to her that I had anxiety attacks at least once a day probably higher she said that I should talk to someone, a professional and get help. I argued that I don't need one that it will probably pass. But it didn't and I opened up more and it became way too much for her, I probably should not have opened so much or something but it came to the point where she didn't want to chat with me as much anymore nothing like we used to. Well that didn't help me at all, we still text but I have to start the conversations and I feel she is just waiting for me to leave her alone when we do. I can't help but blame myself for everything not just that but just everything that goes wrong in my life it is my fault simple as that I could have always done better. but well that was then.

Now I feel it has gotten drastically worse. When I lost that friend as an outlet for my pain I resorted to ways of handling it that I am not proud of at all, I hate myself for it to be honest. I first cut my hand once before school when I was having a panic attack, it surprisingly helped it made something else to focus on, it got rid of the pain of anxiety for a bit. then I started to cut it a bit more and more. I kinda hoped someone would notice but no one did, then I got worried that someone would notice and it would ruin my life so I stopped... with my hand at least. Then I moved to my thigh knee area. Just deep enough for it to bleed, I don't necessarily want to severely hurt myself just to cover up my emotional pain with something else, when I am unable to chat with friends or do other distracting activities. But now I am honestly just sad, and hate myself, I would never kill myself because it would hurt the people around me way too much, but I honestly would not mind just stopping if you know what I mean. There is literally no reason for me to feel this way, I have a loving family and friends. I am not poor I have a great school. IT MAKES NO SENSE.

I am honestly just sad very sad. No one knows that I feel this way except that friend I talked about in the beginning and she doesn't even know about the cutting and the sad part, I don't want to put any more on her, I don't want to hurt anyone emotionally or anything like that. I can't tell my parents because well I don't want to disappoint them, I am an amazing child to them, I amaze them with how good of a child I am and how I am "different" from other kids in that I listen and am more mature. And my other friends see me as a rock, not showing much emotion, just always there and sturdy. My teachers see me as a good student, I have all A's. I have more than what I need to live in my life. I am not bragging at all, I hate it. I just want to be normal, and just be happy, I would trade all my grades and tech and everything to just be happy, I deserve none of this. I am none of this, I am not the rock that my friends see or the amazing child that my parents see, on the outside I look happy and go lucky but on the inside I just feel like nothing, I can't accept compliments I don't deserve them, I don't try I just do what I can do that is all. I don't know where I am going with this, I just need help... I know for a fact that what I am experiencing probably is nothing compared to what other people are going through. It is probably pathetic, stupid and I should just deal with it, but I have been trying to deal with it forever.

I am sorry honestly sorry if I am just being stupid or something. I have probably said too much, too much information and just everything, sorry hope you can get something intelligent from what I have written, if you have any questions please ask. Thank you for reading this long post and sorry.

I am going to force myself to post this, I hope I do not regret it and I probably will but well here goes nothing.

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  • Posted

    sometimes we can be that perfect person to everyone else but we are crying inside for help.for your friend she might find it hard to help because in reality, the only person who can understand what you are going through is yourself. anxiety and depression are very complex because it is the mind that controls our thinking and our moods.It is evident you suffer from low self -esteem I have had this all my life and little or no confidence like you I cant except compliments this has come from my childhood as I was never praised or complimented in anything I did and I felt I always had to please my parents as anything I ever did or achieved was never good enough and to this day I never feel good enough I am working at it though. you say your parents and teachers think your're perfect so maybe this is why you feel you have to "deliver" you are you dont do things to please others do them because it feels right for you. you are not stupid or pathetic you say you have anxiety attacks and you feel stupid and pathetic ' WELL YOU ARE NOT and you maybe surrounded by friends and family but you can still be lonely.If you feel you cant talk to family try a trusted teacher, sometimes it needs someone with a little guidance to help your friend im sure will still be your friend she probably doesnt understand how to help. this is a very good forum to be on say what you feel and there will always be someone who can help you. you are young you need to enjoy your life my lovely Im 53 and had it all my life and it can be hard when you are feeling low. I hope you find happiness my love

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    • Posted

      Thank you I didn't expect a response so quickly. I don't know what else to say. Just yeah, I would love to have someone to talk to but just I don't want to get too many people involved. Like... I don't know.

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  • Posted

    Take alprazolam pils if you are to depressed
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  • Posted

    First off, you did the right thing by coming here and talking about it. Its a step. Your friend that you were talking about your anxiety attacks probably just doesnt know how to help and sometimes when people dont know how to help, they freeze up. You cant blame them for it. Everybody gets the feeling that they cant do anything right, or everything that goes wrong is their fault. It happens. But if its happening often, its a symptom of depression and you should talk to a proffessional. Also, i know as someone who is always trying to please everybody, that living for yourself and not pleasing people is hard to do. Especcialy if your whole life, all you ever want to do is please parents and teachers. But someday you will have to say 'no. Im gonna do this for myself'. And everybody deserves a compliment once in a while because even if you think you dont deserve it, the person giving it thinks you deserve it. And remember, the strongest people are the ones not afraid to be weak. Even if you dont believe it, i think your a very strong person and you deserve happiness and love and to live a good life. I hope this helps. God bless!!

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    • Posted

      Thank you. I have just been having this all in my head thinking about it all. And honestly my mind is not the nicest place for me atleast. it helps to have other people's input. Thank you. And it all happens probably daily. I do get happy and such when I am doing stuff with my friends but it doesn't feel like real happiness I don't think, it is a distraction then once it is over the whatever you want to call it returns. But thanks it does help I think.

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  • Posted

    Sheldon it feels like you and me are in the same boat here. I feel so similar to what you are feeling right now and it really helps knowing there is someone else out there with similar feelings. That fake sort of happiness you talk about is exactly what I feel. I also feel like I'm just supposed to impress everyone and am never satisfied with my own work. One thing I highly recommend right now is running. Just go out for 30 minutes and it is one of the best distractions you can imagine, and you feel great afterwards. I too have no reason to feel like this and it just came out of the blue for me too. Hope we can get through this together.

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