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I am new to this website and forum, extermly sorry if I messed up in some way by posting this.
Sorry for the long post I just put down everything the jist is that I don't know if have anxiety or depression or something else, I am confused. Thanks
Well, I have at least noticed I have had a problem for at least a month. I have always had some anxiety problems, my mother has always told me that I worry too much, I have accepted that as me just thinking about what could go wrong even though it probably wont, I didn't really see it as much of a problem.
During second semester of last year I met this very nice person and we started to just talk a lot about just life and such. Over time I noticed that my anxiety is not necessary normal and this person, my friend helped me with it, or atleast tried to. but anyway it started to get worse I would normally really only get panic attacks or anxiety attacks after school and such not really affecting my life a lot. Then it started to happen during school which sucked, I still kept my grades up but I felt absolutely horrible I would just get scared basically for no reason, heart pounding, breathing heavy and such but no one noticed because I am very good at hiding my emotions from people which can be good and bad. When it started to get worse I opened up more to my friend who was there for me and still is in her own way. But when I did, it started to become too much for her to handle when I said to her that I had anxiety attacks at least once a day probably higher she said that I should talk to someone, a professional and get help. I argued that I don't need one that it will probably pass. But it didn't and I opened up more and it became way too much for her, I probably should not have opened so much or something but it came to the point where she didn't want to chat with me as much anymore nothing like we used to. Well that didn't help me at all, we still text but I have to start the conversations and I feel she is just waiting for me to leave her alone when we do. I can't help but blame myself for everything not just that but just everything that goes wrong in my life it is my fault simple as that I could have always done better. but well that was then.
Now I feel it has gotten drastically worse. When I lost that friend as an outlet for my pain I resorted to ways of handling it that I am not proud of at all, I hate myself for it to be honest. I first cut my hand once before school when I was having a panic attack, it surprisingly helped it made something else to focus on, it got rid of the pain of anxiety for a bit. then I started to cut it a bit more and more. I kinda hoped someone would notice but no one did, then I got worried that someone would notice and it would ruin my life so I stopped... with my hand at least. Then I moved to my thigh knee area. Just deep enough for it to bleed, I don't necessarily want to severely hurt myself just to cover up my emotional pain with something else, when I am unable to chat with friends or do other distracting activities. But now I am honestly just sad, and hate myself, I would never kill myself because it would hurt the people around me way too much, but I honestly would not mind just stopping if you know what I mean. There is literally no reason for me to feel this way, I have a loving family and friends. I am not poor I have a great school. IT MAKES NO SENSE.
I am honestly just sad very sad. No one knows that I feel this way except that friend I talked about in the beginning and she doesn't even know about the cutting and the sad part, I don't want to put any more on her, I don't want to hurt anyone emotionally or anything like that. I can't tell my parents because well I don't want to disappoint them, I am an amazing child to them, I amaze them with how good of a child I am and how I am "different" from other kids in that I listen and am more mature. And my other friends see me as a rock, not showing much emotion, just always there and sturdy. My teachers see me as a good student, I have all A's. I have more than what I need to live in my life. I am not bragging at all, I hate it. I just want to be normal, and just be happy, I would trade all my grades and tech and everything to just be happy, I deserve none of this. I am none of this, I am not the rock that my friends see or the amazing child that my parents see, on the outside I look happy and go lucky but on the inside I just feel like nothing, I can't accept compliments I don't deserve them, I don't try I just do what I can do that is all. I don't know where I am going with this, I just need help... I know for a fact that what I am experiencing probably is nothing compared to what other people are going through. It is probably pathetic, stupid and I should just deal with it, but I have been trying to deal with it forever.
I am sorry honestly sorry if I am just being stupid or something. I have probably said too much, too much information and just everything, sorry hope you can get something intelligent from what I have written, if you have any questions please ask. Thank you for reading this long post and sorry.
I am going to force myself to post this, I hope I do not regret it and I probably will but well here goes nothing.
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