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Unbearable....

Posted ,

totallylost
totallylost

Hello.

Just thought I'd post on here as I'm running out of options.

I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for about 10 years since I lost my job under extremely embarrassing circumstances. I've had other jobs since, and enjoy the work I do now.

Unfortunately, my anxiety has grown into something uncontrollable, and I'm at my wit's end. I'm currently taking 2 x trazadone, 6 x pregabalin, 2 x beta blocker, 2 x diazepam, as well as tablets for my IBS and high blood pressure. And still I find myself anxious all the time, floods of tears (which is embarrassing being a man and during work), and just total brain fog.

I'm terrified I'm going to lose my job, as I have to help support my parents and sister (who has lupus and is unable to work).

I've not done anything hurtful in my life, so why is this 'curse' put upon me? It's so unfair, I feel so ashamed and depressed.

I've now received a letter from my therapist who's sending me for a psychiatric medication review, which I'm absolutely terrified about as well as upset, as I'm now labelled as 'having a mental health problem.' It's utterly devastating, I don't know who I am anymore, I feel emotionally numb and am at a total loss.

All this at 40 years of age - it's too much.

0 likes, 3 replies

3 Replies

  • jlc
    jlc

    Posted

    Hi totally lost, I have found this website very useful as there are so many people suffering like us and it makes you feel like you are not alone, as anxiety can be a very lonely business when people around you just don't understand because you 'look' ok.

    I too have suffered with anxiety and low mood for 10 years or so, I kept working until 2 years ago and went to work everyday wondering how on earth I was going to get through. I carried on without meds for a long time and have since tried citalopra which didn't help me and then last year after what I can only describe as a breakdown, I started on lofepramine, not sure if it is helping or not?

    You seem a strong person, working and looking after your family, you are probably doing too much and not looking after your own needs. My doc reccomended a good book, called Depression: Curse of the Strong. It is the people that don't ask for help and think they can just carry on that finally succumb to this horrible thing. I bet you are the type to put pressure on yourself to just do do do and do you ask yourself, what is wrong with me, whay can't I just be like I used to be - relaxed, happy, doing things without being self conscious. Thats me anyway. Does it ring anybells with you?

    I hate being on meds, I am having talking therapy with a great counsellor, but it is a slow process to rid myself of 10 years of this and trying to figure out what the triggers are.

    I joined anxiety UK 18 months ago and I have found this a useful resource - you can access therapy at reduced rates and they have all kinds of stuff on their website.

    If your psychiatrist can help, then what difference will it make if you end up with a mental health record, I had a clinical asssesment a few weeks ago and she said the same to me, although they haven't put me forward to see a Psychiatrist, I thought if I really needed that I would go back to my gp, mental record or not. I felt she was trying to put me off in a way, as if that would be an awful thing. Such a stigma attached to mental health, you wouldn't heasitate to see a specialist if you had a heart or lung problem, what so different about our limbic system?

    I am 41, so I know exactly how you feel.

  • totallylost
    totallylost

    Posted

    Thanks for your comments jlc, that really meant a lot to me.

    The part you wrote about why can't I just be like I used to be really resonated with me - I truly feel like I've lost my self-identity and am just being alive rather than living.

    I know what you mean about hating being on meds. I really feel more screwed up these days after being prescribed all these different drugs than I did when I started taking them!

    I'll look into Anxiety UK, though money is tight for subscriptions etc.

    I've got my date for the assessment in July, am really nervous about it, and have to get through the next 5 weeks until I get there. It's like an agonising journey every day.

  • jlc
    jlc

    Posted

    Hi totallylost, how are you getting on. I have haad a few up and down days of lae, but I do think somehting is changing in me after all these years as I have finally started dealing with things more openly and beign honest to myself about what my limitis are at the moment.

    5 weeks when you are waiting for an appt is a long time, sometimes you just want your doc on speed dial for some reassurance that you are not going mad and things will get better.

    I am starting to slowly come down off my meds to see if they are actually doing me any good, we will see, I have a doc appt next Friday.

    Keep posting and keep fighting. Anxiety uk has loads of free stuff online without subscription. MIND also have good help on offer and the maybe somethingin your area.

    Take care

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