Posted , 7 users are following.
I know this isnt the place.. but lots of women are on here.. Have you or someone else you know stayed in a 'blah' marriage just to stay? Spouse is not willing to work on our marriage or himself and it makes me crazy.. I guess it could be hormones but I notice how other couples are together and I want that....
2 likes, 6 replies
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Indifferent kelly55079
Posted
Oh Kelly, I have been sooo going through the same thoughts the past year. I have to say though...I told my hubby exactly how I feel, and that I was ready to fly this coop, and he really has finally stepped up in some big ways. It is not perfect, it never will be, but the fact that he is finally making an effort is very encouraging!
Just before my period though I seem to be better at remembering the past, than keeping in mind that progress really is being made, and our marriage gets a little shaky for a week or two a month.
Sit him down...send him links about women who have left thier husbands during menopause and WHY.
My husband has said "he thought it was just me, he had no idea that all women have the same needs." So he thought *I* was being unreasonable until I showed him eveidence that it is NOT JUST ME!
I really hope you can work it out. I really hope *I* can work it out. Some days I feel it is too little too late...but other days i do notice that he really is trying to make an affort and he doesn't want to lose me. Would it be worth it to leave...in my case, NO. I am not abused, just have been very neglected all these years. He seems to be understanding that these days
lynda20916 kelly55079
Posted
Hi Kelly,
I can understand how you feel. You are seeing other couples in public, not in private. Many women feel that they contribute more to the relationship than their male partners. And, I think that it's true.
You may not agree with this assessment, but you need to work on yourself. Only you can make yourself happy and ensure that your needs are met. Happiness results when you have a good relationship with you. No other person can make you happy or meet your needs except in a fleeting way. Imagine what might happen if you put all the effort you're putting towards convincing your husband to change into yourself.
I felt the way you do a long, long time ago. My husband and I were in therapy, and we spent lots of money and wasted lots of time trying to get each other to change. "If you really loved me you'd...." But we realize now that that phrase is just blackmail.
So, I gave up. I told myself that my marriage was over, but I didn't leave. I left him to himself, and put all my energy into being the kind of person that I wanted to be. No more tears, no more begging. If I wanted to go out to eat and he didn't, I went. If I wanted to go to the movies and he didn't, I went, too.
Suddenly, he paid attention. He wanted to know what was happening. Just when I was convinced we were over, we weren't. But, by that time, I would have been fine on my own if we hadn't reconciled.
So, for me, no more game playing, no more sweetie pie. I am who I am and he has to accept that and respecit it. He is who he is and I accept and respect that, too. First of all, we are friends to the end. We have a lifetime commitment. We tell each other the truth, as we see it. And our love has never been more real.
I hope this helps. xx
kelly55079
Posted
Thanks.... I think I have done all this and think that I'm truely ready.. When I want to see a movie, go for a nice dinner or go to the city to see theatre-- I grab a friend and go. Or even grab take-out and eat at home. He may balk and complain but I do it anyways! About 3 months ago I joined a womans group and we get together every couple weeks which is nice.. we talk about different things- some are married and some divorced. I work part-time, I garden here and there.. my kids are teens and I believe I take good care of them.. So I think I am doing what I can for myself... But my frustration is he doesn't want to talk or care anything about me.. It's his way or nothing. I can't talk politics, retirement, vacations or anything really.-- he doesn't like my opinions. It's just about kids, our cats basic stuff.. No life.. OK, he goes to work, helps with sport activities, mows the lawn...If I ask if he wants to go for a walk, it's like pulling teeth so I go with a friend when available. I understand that I create my own happiness BUT I think also I'm in a 'dead marriage' and it's eating away at me. We haven't had sex in 10 years!! And it's fine really I'm not a sex godess but still miss what it's supossed to be like. We have been to counseling but again he did not like it and the times he refused, I went!! So I guess I'm just venting because I know what I should do but it's tough. He is not cheating-- I think he is like A-sexual. But he hardly ever goes out at night and his phone is on the counter not locked. I think he is comfortable. I have questioned our relationship but he claims it's me and take meds. I don't believe this so I just continue on..
ruth1969 kelly55079
Posted
Hi Kelley
I was with my partner for 25 years and the last 10 of those we was just "plodding"along ,this is my thoughts ,maybe not his , I started to think of myself more and my happiness instead of other people's,maybe a bit selfish I no but I spent all those years selfless, that's how I see it ,maybe it wasn't like that , one day I just decided I'm not living like this no more ,you only have one life and I had already wasted so much of it ,That's how I felt , so I ended it , I knew I made the right choice cos I was so much happier once I done it ,he took it hard ,and my kids, but I knew there was no going back ,Was hard ,but I stuck to my decision and 5 years later I am so much happier ,yes my life is totally different now ,but to me ,for the better , im not saying to you to do the same ,all I'm saying is ,you have to think of yourself ,Your happiness,you only get one life ,need to live it , not just exist 🙂
lynda20916 kelly55079
Posted
Kelley,
From what you say the man is totally self-absorbed. He believes he has made his nest and has everything the way he wants it. So if you question what he's created (something he's totally satisfied with) then of course you're crazy.
That's one of the standard answers, such as, "you're ugly, (who else would ever want you), you're crazy (because the only thing that matters is my version of reality), you're selfish (how dare you want anything more than what I'm happy with). And on and on.
I think that you're well grounded in reality. So, who does the book keeping in your relationship? Who controls the finances? If you don't, I suggest you start to find out your financial and asset situation. Then, think about what separating or divorce might mean, the hardships. Then, consult with an attorney. But, don't give him any inkling that's what you're doing. Don't even tell your friends because something could get back to him. Get your ducks in a row, as they say.
You don't know what kind of a monster might emerge from your husband's character, if he thinks you might actually be contemplating leaving him.
You might need to decide to stay, until you can make some arrangements for yourself.
Best of luck to you! xx
Azzumi kelly55079
Posted
Hi Kelly. Yes I did it twice. 15 year marriage then 7 year relationship. Both times was a similar story. They wouldn't discuss anything. We'd never just sit and talk and we ended up leading separate lives. I'm sure in the beginning things were good but there was a lot of years of nothing. I ended both relationships after trying for years to get both partners to talk to me about how we could improve things but they always found it too hard. Then I did the crazy online thing and met my now partner. We lived 1700km apart so over a six month period we only managed to spend three weeks together in person then I packed up my life and moved to be with him. This was risky and exciting and has come with its fare share of problems as I got to know more about him but its the best thing I ever did. He's completely crazy but that's why I love him. I'v been here 13 months now and we chat constantly. We have heated discussions but that's ok. He always wants me around where my other partners didn't. I'm 48 so anyone I meet now will have a past. Once I accepted that I knew the relationship would work. Both times I ended my previous relationships they claimed to have no idea why. Surely they could see the emptyness but then again maybe not and believe me I tried incredibly hard to salvage things both times. Don't know if telling you all this helps but I know with myself its just one thing that finally makes me take a stand and make that final decision. Life is way way way too short..😃