Unraveling slightly

Posted , 1 user is following.

Hi everyone.

This is my first post but I have been reading these pages for a couple of weeks now. I have to say I enjoy reading what everyone says and you all support each other very well.

I have been taken our friend flu for about 10 - 11 weeks now and until very recently I kinda felt that things were starting to improve for me. But over the last 7 - 10 days I have started to notice that some of my old feelings are starting to creep back into my head and they are starting to get me down. Big style!!!

I am a 30 something male and I held off for as long as possible before finally starting to open up about my problems. I think I felt that if no one knew what was really going inside my head things would maybe seem alright. Not sure if that makes any sense though!! To my family and friends I am seen to be the funny guy that everyone likes being around. But I always knew that behind the mask it was all so different for me. Underneath I have been hiding the truth for years. I always was embarrassed about how I felt and this is why I couldnt speak about it.

But last year something finally snapped and I couldn't keep the lid on the bottle any more. Feelings that I thought were buried away started to reappear and I just couldn't cope.

I needed to ask for help.

Finally I spoke to my gp and after a few meetings they decided to let me try 20mg flu and also an online cbt program called beating the blues.

As I said earlier I thought that the flu was making a difference for me but I know that I have started to unravel slightly over the last few days.

Like others I feel that I need to cry but I dont seem to be able to do it. I know that I am starting to bottle things up again and I know that some dark thoughts have reappeared for me.

To people that know me and know that I am taking the flu all seem to think that I seem back to my old self but inside I know I am feeling worse again.

Not sure why I am writing this but I hope you can understand.

I just feel the need to tell someone.

Thanks for reading.

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7 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi 360

    Reading your post was remarkably like my own experience.

    I'm a 40 something bloke and have been on flu now for nearly 20 weeks. I found that after 9 weeks i was going in the wrong direction so i went back to the doc and increased my dose to 40mg.

    This hasn't been a smooth ride either but i was not expecting a miracle.

    I've found i don't get the extreme highs and lows any more. In fact i don't get highs at all. For the first 4 weeks on the higher dose i was numb and emotionless, yet another sensation to experience. Most of the time i am level which takes a bit of getting used to.

    I do find myself getting impatient but flu is a slow worker and i know i'm in this for the long term.

    I cannot cry either, it would be really useful sometimes just to release some pent up emotion.

    I know you have said that you have been doing an on line CBT course but have you thought of having one to one counselling. Bottling things up is really not healthy, i know, but that's another story.

    Best wishes mate and i look forward to hearing from you soon.

    Take care.

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  • Posted

    Hello, 45 year old male, on Flu 3 years 2 of which on 40mg,it gets better honestly tho some days are better than others.Still get the shakes,numbness in left hand and sometimes sweat like a pig in bed....but you will get better.


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  • Posted

    Hi 360,

    as hubby is a 40 something \"big strong man\" who won't admit he has problems I can sympathise. But I can add one thing - you may feel that you are doing a good job of hiding things but trust me, as one looking at it from both sides, I can confirm, we your nearest and dearest notice these things!

    Keep fighting mate. I am also 10 - 11 weeks in and having a bti of a bad time. Considering going back to see doc and see if I need a dosage change.

    Smile and have everyone esle wondering what you are thinking to be so happy!

    LellyM xx

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  • Posted

    hiya 360 :ok:

    another *cough, mature male here :wink: im afraid it's a touch of 'one step forward and two steps back' on the roller coaster ride to recovery with depression, just hang on in there 360, you're doing the right thing :ok: sure it's gonna take a long time to FULLY recover, :? but as you said yourself, it took you a long time to get so ill and seek treatment and professional help :wink:

    don't forget 360, depression is a REAL PHYSICAL illness, :shock: it's not all 'smoke and mirrors' ok :wink: :mrgreen:

    good luck and a speedy recovery 360, keep posting, it really helps :ok:


    Ken ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ :cheers: :rainbow:

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  • Posted

    Thanks everyone.

    I'm off to see my doc next week so I think I will chat about how things are going and see if he thinks I could up my dosage.

    I did manage to hide my probs from everyone for a long long time and I think I probably should have carried on wearing my \"mask\" because now most people that are close to me are worried sick.

    I hate knowing that me being down has caused others so much worry!

    But thanks again for all your suppprt.

    Happy thoughts!!!!

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  • Posted

    Sorry to maybe sound a bit silly but when I go to the docs will it be ok for me to ask him to up my dosage??

    Am I jumping the gun by doing this? Or does it sound desperate????


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  • Posted

    Hi 360

    No, it doesn't sound silly at all. This is a new experience for us all.

    Only you know how you truly feel. It is trial and error with SSRI's. The doc will usually put on the lowest dose first off.

    I asked mine for an increase and explained the reasons why. Before i had finished explaining, he was already writing the prescription.

    You are not jumping the gun or sounding desperate. Go for it (i did).

    It should be no problem. Let us know how you get on.

    Best wishes.

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