Unsure What/If Disorder is Present

Hello, everyone! I have had many concerns with my own ideas of whether or not I have some type of disorder or mental health problem. Going on forums like this isn't the best idea and I understand that, but since my resources/budget cannot make room for therapy, I want to collect a list of ideas before I finally have the chance to go to an appointment. Please read with caution, this gets a little extreme fast.

There's been a lot of happenings in my life. I remember having troubles with my anger starting at a younger age, like when I threw my bike and helmet down when my friends picked on my training wheels. The anger was dormant for a while until I experienced an increased amount of problems with my male guardian who had a drinking problem. It never directly affected me. I began fearing/hating him way before that (when I was around the age of 2-4 ish), so to watch him harm my female guardian only fueled that. Once he threatened to "hurt" her, I stepped in to stop it. After that, every argument would leave me huddled in a corner, rocking back and forth, panicking, hyperventilating, crying, etc. It was an ugly sight. Both my fear of their fights and my fear of being sick (I think the term is hypocondriac) have caused me to be called crazy by my female guardian. Anyway, there was one time where she and I went to bed and his continued to drunkenly berate and name-call her for hours. Eventually, I got upset enough to punch a wall. After that, every time I got angry, I would hit a wall or door to relieve my anger. The numbing then stinging pain felt good.

Starting in elementary school, I found comfort in playing pretend, whether alone or with friends. I mostly did it alone, it felt more comfortable. However, I could never get out of it. It was a habit I couldn't break. Up to my late teens, I still did it to some extent. If I didn't, I would be irritable. If I had the urge to, I felt like I needed to drop everything and do it. For a while, I could just forget my surroundings existed and I could picture the world I imagine as if it were completely real. Once I was older, it was a little harder, but I could encourage it by using music.

I have self-esteem issues where I'll think negatively about myself. It ranges from being stupid, annoying, worthless, fat, mean, and more. I think it stems from my female guardian berating me for messing up chores or messing up activities I just learned to do. It did get bad enough that I took it out on myself. I couldn't get myself to use a knive, so I used my fingernails to claw across my arms. Once I had an income, it changed to using an X-acto knife to make little marks down my arm that would heal after a few days. I enjoyed doing it and I thought of it as little "works of art", something beautiful to my eye. Other forms of this included both starving myself for days or purposefully filling myself with food until I'm sick. I'll have moments where my emotions feel numb/nonexistent and I'll feel too distant to do anything, even what I used to enjoy.

Family has said I have anxiety, because I tend to panic and overthink very easily. It is easy to overload my senses, especially if I'm not in a good mood.

I'm not sure if this is supposed to be normal, but every once in a while, I'll get voices. Just someone who shows up and tells me to do odd things and I'll get this strong urge to do it that I can barely fight. Examples would be how I can't hold sharp knives for long, because it will tell me to bring it to my neck, or remove my clothes in public. This may be related a may not be, but I have memories of someone yelling suddenly from behind a doorframe when I was the only one home or someone whispering my name as I'm trying to sleep.

I have a bad memory. I usually can't remember things like what was for dinner the night before. I think this is normal, though, so I don't pay much attention to it.

This is a lot for you all to take in, but I just wanted help brainstorming ideas of things I could have. My thought process is that having a list may make it easier for me to talk to someone and could help quicken a diagnosis. Thank you so much for reading all of this.

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