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So I have signed in today for the first time in nearly 5 months. Yes I'm back & the same pattern has struck. I was afraid to come back because history keeps repeating itself. It's the second time I poured my heart out on here, listened to everyone's advice got a few steps closer to getting better & then ran away.
The last time I was on here I had managed to come clean to my husband & get myself to the doctor seeking meds. I then convinced myself I could drink normally but the old pattern of secret drinking returned & hey I didn't care again. Last night I secretly drank & had a fight with my husband who had no clue I'd been drinking. I woke up feeling guilty.
I don't know if I am going to try & get better again or just continue to drink in secret one or 2 nights a week cause I like it but I do feel I need to chat here to keep in touch with people who understand. I'm starting a new job that I am really excited about next week & life is generally good but I still look forward to drinking. If I am going to do it I need to get a grip on lowering it to one night a week & just then doing it in the open as the guilt consumes me. I feel bad & sly & full of shame.
So here I am for a 3rd time but under no illusion that I can cure myself & I am not making any promises to myself I just want to chat with all of you & let some of my true thoughts out.
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