Update - back for a third time. Still ashamed

Posted , 11 users are following.

Hi everyone,

So I have signed in today for the first time in nearly 5 months. Yes I'm back & the same pattern has struck. I was afraid to come back because history keeps repeating itself. It's the second time I poured my heart out on here, listened to everyone's advice got a few steps closer to getting better & then ran away. 

The last time I was on here I had managed to come clean to my husband & get myself to the doctor seeking meds. I then convinced myself I could drink normally but the old pattern of secret drinking returned & hey I didn't care again. Last night I secretly drank & had a fight with my husband who had no clue I'd been drinking. I woke up feeling guilty.

I don't know if I am going to try & get better again or just continue to drink in secret one or 2 nights a week cause I like it but I do feel I need to chat here to keep in touch with people who understand. I'm starting a new job that I am really excited about next week & life is generally good but I still look forward to drinking. If I am going to do it  I need to get a grip on lowering it to one night a week & just then doing it in the open as the guilt consumes me. I feel bad & sly & full of shame. 

So here I am for a 3rd time but under no illusion that I can cure myself & I am not making any promises to myself I just want to chat with all of you & let some of my true thoughts out.



0 likes, 16 replies

16 Replies

  • Posted

    It's the secret drinking that's making you feel guilty, and because of the guilt, you want to drink.

    The famous vicious circle. It's a good thing you've come back to the forum because nobody here will judge you.

    Please don't feel any need to apologise for posting here.

    Do you think you'll be able to manage cutting down the secret drinking once you start the new job (which by the way, good luck with)?

    Many people here post multiple times from what I gather, and there is absolutely no shame in that.

    This is a good place to share your feelings, Sadie.


    • Posted

      Hi Mac,

      Yes the secret drinking makes me feel so guilty & a bad person. It isn't what makes me want to secret drink though, it's simply because I enjoy drinking. I can drink openly also the reason for the secret drinking is so I can drink more than what my husband thinks I am drinking or if I drink one night & want to drink again the following I will do the second night in secret. 

      I am hoping that I can cut back. The hours I have been working are present are 2 & half days a week - Weds, Thurs & Fri meaning I was openly drinking on a Saturday, secretly on a Sunday & it had started to creep in on a Monday also. My new job is 4 half days a week & a full day Friday - so I am hoping to get rid of the Sunday secret drinking as I will have an early start on Monday morning & I will be dropping my child to school in the morning beforehand.  ( It is his first year in school ). The job is important to me. I did 6 weeks work experience there recently & loved it & I was offered a part time position which works perfectly with my little boy. I can get up in the morning after drinking - I usually drink a half bottle of Vodka or less- never more than this but I have become paranoia about there being a smell of alcohol the next day. That is the reason I drink vodka - lack of smell I switched from wine to that years ago but I know it could still be present the next day. 

      Thank you ! I am glad I have come back . The responses already have helped in the sense that I can be open & not so alone in my thoughts.


    • Posted

      Hi Sadie 

      well done on coming back, it's not easy, but we've all been there.

      Yes I can relate to the secret drinking. Been there, done it and know every trick in the book. It took me a long time to realise that Mac is spot on that the secret drinking makes you feel so guilty. For me definitely, the guilt made me drink more.

      Good luck with your new job, you obviously impressed them with your work experience.

      Keep trying to be more open with your drinking. In my experience, secrets have a habit of coming out eventually. The longer you keep doing it, the danger is you may end up needing more to get the same effect.

      Also I used to think vodka didn't smell on your breath. Big mistake, all alcohol smells and vodka definitely does. Maybe not to the same extent as beer, but I'd does smell.

    • Posted

      sorry, meant "but it does smell" not "I'd does smell!"

    • Posted

      Well, I'm glad that you've found the best place to share your feelings, without any guilt or shame, SadieDee.

      There is no shame at all in being addicted to something. It is an illness.

      I'd be interested to know what you decide to do next.

  • Posted

    Well Sadie, I think we have all been there.  Why it happens really makes me cross.  I love to drink and could quite happily carry on but know that I am cutting my life short.  It is more for my hubs that I have been determined, me leaving him would break him and that makes me feel guilty,  He works so hard and can do without me and this stupid surreal problem.

    I keep plugging away and am doing far better than I thought.  I do fall down at times and get angry and get back up and onward and upward I go again.

    I think one or two nights a week is amazing.  I want some form of 'relaxing' each evening so you are well ahead of me.

    Pace yourself and listen to all our stories like you have before - you never know you may just get a light bulb moment which helps you.

    Good to have you backsmile


    • Posted

      I feel your pain Gwen. That is exactly it - it's really just my husband I feel guilty towards. He decided to be with me & look what I am doing. He does know I have had a problem & went to the gp & I think he thinks I've sorted it out but I believe it effected our bond. We are very close but he will probably always have his suspicions. I feel with drinking I am not giving all of myself to the relationship or my real self entirely if that makes sense. 

      Keep at it Gwen that is all you can do. I was plugging away doing good & then settled back into old habits. Drink O'clock would call & I would think ah sure just tonight. I have for the most part during the week under control from Tues through Friday but those 3 days after is my reward. I need to cut it down to just one night & out in the open that is what I am aiming for.

      There was a time I would drink nearly every night of the week but I have my little boy now so I just can't - I find if I drink one night I have the urge the next night & then the next & once I stop for one night the following is easier & I think sure no I don't want a drink tonight & I can wait until Saturday. 

      I'm hoping by checking in here everyday it will make more aware of my intake & I can be honest here.

      Thank you Gwen I appreciate your response. X

  • Posted

    Hi Sadie Dee

    Sadly, what you are writing here is not uncommon.... and more importantly, will be likely to continue if something in your situation is not changed. 

    I know you have briefly looked at The Sinclair Method before, but you should take another look. 

    It seems clear that firstly, you are struggling to maintain abstinence, so therefore that is really only an option that would result in you drinking at some point again, and then along comes all the shame again, too.

    And secondly, if you are going to drink, then you have a battle on to try and control it - day in, day out for the foreseeable future at least.  It's a tiring battle that we have all tried at some point.  Very few can manage it, and I take my hat off to those that can.  You may be on those people that can manage it, but the first few sentences of your post tend to suggest that you will really struggle to maintain this constantly and at some point, something will tip your one or two drinks into a 3rd, 4th, 5th and so on.

    If you are going to drink, then using The Sinclair Method will give your brain a chance to disassociate that alcohol gives you a reward.  It will be working in the background to do it's thing and weaken those association pathways in your brain, eventually breaking them down completely so that you are no longer being driven by alcohol.  Instead of alcohol (and thoughts of alcohol) being in the driving seat, you can put yourself back in charge and alcohol will slowly lose it's importance.

    You have nothing to lose at this point, but everything to gain.

    • Posted

      Hi Joanna, 

      I feel bad as you offered me so much advice & support last time & I got so far with it & stopped thinking I was okay but that was an excuse to still be able to drink.

      My doctor a while back gave me the name of a doctor who prescribes Naltrexone as she would not. I have looked up his clinic & from what I have read he does not prescribe for The Sinclair Method but as an implant. I can private message you his website. The Sinclair method would of course be my preferred way to go.

      Yes if I manage to not drink for the week - after the first day it is fine but once I start drinking I keep going. One or two is not enough I like to feel drunk but if I was going for a meal I am happy to have one glass of wine- it's funny that way. It is a habit I have created in certain circumstances. It began many years ago in a previous relationship drinking secretly & hanging out watching tv with my boyfriend thinking life is great & this is what I do now with my husband. 

      I do think I need to get the meds so they are available to me. I didn't last time as I thought I was doing ok without them but it would be good to actually physically have them to start using them instead of facing a doctors visit again & going through everything again.

      Thanks Joanna xx

  • Posted

    Good replies from three people already. At least you are honest and admitting to secret drinking. Your new job should get your mind off things. Moore days off drinking is a great plan. Best of luck
  • Posted

    Hi Sadie, drinking in secret, I know what you mean.  Everyone who wanted me to deal with the excess drinking thinks I have because I never drink around them (or very little).  But now I have got  into drinking alone at home and never before I see the people who think I've dealt with the drinking.  Living a lie.  Enjoying drinking and looking forward to drinking, how I understand that.  I don't have an answer but you are right to be thinking about not hiding it and then keeping it to "normal" levels.  People on here will recommend the Sinclair Method and I think it might just work for you.  I wish you all the best

    • Posted

      Yep that is just like me. My friends drink a lot so I can get away with drinking whatever around them & to be honest I actually probably drink less than them when we are together. I might have 2 or 3 in front of husband & another 3 or 4 from a secret stash. 

      Looking forward to drinking is what I do. If I thought I won't be drinking on Saturday I get anxious. I don't drink alone at home - unless I know my husband is coming home or I am going out as it's the company when drunk I enjoy if I wasn't going to have any company I wouldn't bother. It's how I started - drinking secretly & spending time with my ex boyfriend as the relationship was a difficult one I would be more relaxed - he never knew I was doing this. I've kept doing it in this relationship with my husband even though it is a good relationship- i rely on it to make me feel good.

      Thank you ! xx 


  • Posted

    Please don't be ashamed, it's a worthless emotion. Fall down 7 times, get back up 8!   Shame is just too damaging to our spirit.  Instead, keep plowing ahead, baby steps, one foot in front of the other.  I started Naltrexone almost one month ago praying that it could help, but not really believing it could.  With the medication taken one hour before the first drink of the day, I have felt a difference in my behavior.  I won't go into detail because I believe I'm too new to be of real help to you, but if you feel like I have felt, that this may just be my last chance, find a doctor who will prescribe it or something like it.  Caution:  my script says take once a day.  I tried that years ago and it didn't do a thing.  Now as I take it one hour before drinking, it seems to have an impact on my desire to go off the charts.  Don't isolate yourself, I'm sure there will always be someone here who will understand. xoxo

    • Posted

      Thanks so much Sheryl for your reply. Unfortunately it is not that easy in Ireland to get the medicine. I have been to my GP who will not prescribe it but gave me the name of a doctor who she knows works with this medicine but when investigating this it looks like it's as an implant. I need to make that call & arrange an appointment at present I am trying to cut down the habit myself & be at least honest with my drinking & not do any in secret. I'm at the beginning of this so it is hard. 

      I am glad to hear that the meds are working for you. I would love to just be able to have it prescribed so I have it there is things get bad. 

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