Ups and downs

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I haven't been on here for a while. I hit a real low point after my psychiatrist told me I'd never be a perfect mother and I may as well just settle for 'good enough'. Considering I'd just told her that the school could tell when I was low because my boys behaviour and moods reflect my low mood. Every time I blip, I get called into school regarding their poor behaviour which then makes me feel worse. I hardly consider this good enough. She then told me she wanted me to see my GP to start taking lamictal and that she didn't need to see me again. Luckily a new GP who is a mental health specialist has recently started at my practice. She has completely ignored that advice and is switching me from duloxetine to fluoxetine and has told me to find a new job as she feels it is the stress of work that is making me ill. 

That was a week ago, I have had the absolute week from hell. Won't go into details but I've spent most of it crying and either stress eating or feeling sick from stress. Several things have happened this week that previously would have sent me running to the pill bottle. For as long as I can remember suicide has been the solution to every problem. It has always been there at the back of my mind as an option if things get too hard. Luckily I have had a lot of support and it's only been attempted once.

this week, however, that has changed, it hasn't even featured. I've finally come to the realisation that my life does matter, that my children wouldn't be better off without me. I want to fight now. Despite the stress of life and the medication changes this week I had a great week in terms of the depression. I've kept up with the housework, spent loads of quality time with the kids, socialised, spent less time playing pointless games on my iPad and for the first time in months, spent time on my fav hobbies.

i guess the actual point of my post is, will it last? Has anyone else had an epiphany moment where they felt everything was finally ok? 

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  • Posted

    No I haven't roximl.  Sometimes I think I get a handle on it and cope pretty well but at others think no.

    I was interested in your statement about being the perfect mother.  No one is perfect and my sister tried to be until she was told she was good enough.  She said that was a huge relief.   You are not perfect and if you were you wouldn't be human.  It's superwomans day off isn't it?

    You can only do your best and that all.  And after all best is best even if it's crap.  Forgive yourself for being imperfect.   Trying to be the best you can is all we humans can be at the end of the day.  x

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  • Posted

    Hello, firstly let me say that there is no such thing as a perfect mother. Life is not perfect, we can all try our best and we have all messed up, we are all human. I am glad that you realise that suicide is not the answer, it is final and there is no coming back. Your family need you and you need them. Life is a serious of struggles but it's how we cope with them that matters. You are stronger than you realise. What you have done this week is great you have spent quality time with your children and that will mean so much to them. You are doing things for yourself and that is important as well. Medication usually takes a while to get into your system and start working and i hope this will be the case for you. I cannot explain why you have felt great this week maybe you have felt that your GP understands and is listening to you and this has helped you feel more positive in your recovery. You will no doubt have ups and downs but hopefully the ups will be more than the downs. I hope that you will continue to feel better each day.

    Best wishes.

    Elizabeth. 

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  • Posted

    I bet you are a great mother.  Nobody is perfect, and sounds as if you are doing really well at the moment.  Your children are lucky to have you.

    Depression is full of ups and downs.  You are doing all the right things whilst you feel so well.  Long may it continue.  Make the most of it.  Well let us hope it will last.  Who knows? 

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  • Posted

    Hi all, thanks for replying. I know I'll never be a perfect mother, there's no such thing as perfect really is there? As it depends on the individual. I just want to get to the stage where my boys aren't negatively affected by my mood swings. Where my depression doesn't have such an impact on our everyday lives. I'm not expecting anything to change over night, I know it's small steps. Today for example, hasn't bn a good day. I didn't sleep well last night which threw off my morning routine. As a result, today has been about doing what I have to, rather than achieving much. I've still managed to stay downstairs with the boys rather than shutting myself away in my room so I'm counting that as a good thing.

    one thing I've realised recently is that I only get one chance at this and instead of hiding or worrying about what I can't do, I'm just going to focus on enjoying the things I can do.

     

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    • Posted

      I find lack of sleep really does affect me the next day. You are doing well despite your low mood.  Well done.  I am sure your family really appreciate you.  Please don't be hard on yourself.  Lovely to hear you are spending time with your boys.  Yes small steps as you say, but you are on the right road.  You are thinking positively which is not always easy when we have depression. 

      You have a great outlook on life, focusing on the things you can do.  Take care

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