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Very depressed & feeling suicidal & paralysed by guilt

Posted , 7 users are following.

gnnir
gnnir

I am a 46 year old single gay male and I ĺive alone.

I was in a long term, long distance relationship with a wonderful guy from 2002 to 2010.

Our relationship ended when he discovered - and I admitted - that I was spending some of our time apart chatting to other gay guys on internet chat rooms.

I did apologise but the damage was done and we split-up.

I coped OK at the time and for 2 years.  However, in 2013 I was on holiday alone and caught an STI.  I had suspicious symptoms soon afterwards that xaused an HIV scare.  By the time I could be certain I had not caught HIV, bad situational depression had set in.  Around the same time, my former partner told me he had finally met someone else.

My depression has worsened as I continually punish myself with the guilt and shame over my conduct, to the extent that I feel that my suicide is inevitable.  I also hate myself for feeling jealous that he is happily partnered again, because but for my hurtful thoughtlessness it would still have been me.

Despite my indiscretions, I did put a lot of time and energy into our relationship, to the detriment of existing friendships and acquaintences, and many of them moved on too.

I don't rationally think I am a bad person  but I am tortured by a compulsion to persecute myself about what happened and can't see how I can get out of this mess of my own making.

I have had 2 spells in psychiatric hospitals, been on various high dose anti-depressants,  see a psychiatrist and CPN regularly, all to no avail.

I have tried regular exercise to no avail.  Unfortunately I turned to drink in October and had 2 very heavy binges - totally uncharacteristi of me.  I just wanted to blot everything else.

I don't want or deserve sympathy, because I messed up, but I would appreciate advice about dealing with guilt and shame - before it's too late.

Thank you all for any help you can give me.

1 like, 14 replies

14 Replies

  • linda83143l
    linda83143l gnnir

    Posted

    Sadly we all make mistakes.

    Relationships are at times very difficult.

    You were chatting, you were not meeting up and having sexual relationships.

    You are ver much in love with him, but you love

    is not being reciprocated.

    You are a special person. We all are in one way or another.

    You can do relationships as you were together for a few years.

    Drink is not going to help you, sorrows,are never

    drowned, just get a hangover, headache etc, your

    Problems,are,stll there.

    Why persecute yourself? Do you hate yourself?

    I think your x being happy with someone else must have hurt.

    You have to move imon, accept help where ever you can get it.

    Try and join a club, go for a pint with a mate.

    Small steps, take things slowly, the first step is the hardest and you have done that by posting here.

    Thinking of you x Linda

  • lor793
    lor793 gnnir

    Posted

    No one is a saint we all mess up and hurt people we love don't beat yourself up about it it's part of life and learning xx
  • gillian20097
    gillian20097 gnnir

    Posted

    Hello.

    Can I first say how brave you where to accept responsibility for your actions and all that lead up to your depression right now.

    Next I want to say "give yourself a break Hun"!!! I know you where talking to other guys and that resulted in your breakup but you do not deserve to beat yourself up this way. It's not a huge thing. People have done far worse and are walking round as happy as a pig in muck.

    The way you are treating yourself tells a whole lot. You are a good,thoughtful person who believes he gets all he deserves. If you weren't a good person,you wouldn't even be having these thoughts.

    I think you have punished yourself enough. If talking to other guys was a crime,I think you have done your time 10 times over.

     I think it's time you starting loving and believing in yourself,taking your life back because you deserve to be happy.

    Your ex partner has moved on and you need to give yourself permission to do the same. Forgive yourself xxx

  • Tinkara
    Tinkara gnnir

    Posted

    I don't think you're a bad person at all. In fact, a bad person wouldn't be worrying about this. I know how hard it can be to forgive yourself and what guilt can do to you. But please keep in mind that no matter how hard we try, we all make mistakes. It's inevitable. The good thing about mistakes is that they all bring lessons. Learning from them makes us stronger and helps us to grow. And sometimes you have to make mistakes in order to become even a better person. If this was written by someone else, wouldn't you feel that person deserves to forgive himself? Wishing you all the best xx
  • gnnir
    gnnir

    Posted

    Thanks for the replies, folks.

    I am paralysed by "if onlys": if only I hadn't done what I did; if only I hadn't ignored my friends in order to pursue and continue a long distance (nearly every weekend) relationship; if only I had apologised more profusely for my behaviour; if only I hadn't then taken voluntary redundancy from my job, etc.

    I can't understand how I wasn't depressed when we actually split-up but only from when I knew he had a new partner.  Or maybe it was the HIV scare (I don't have HIV) that triggered it all.

    I just don't know how to break this cycle of putting myself on trial and pleading guilty.  It is completely dominating and ruining my life.

    • Aspinan
      Aspinan gnnir

      Posted

      Personally I don't believe chatting to other gay men on chat rooms is particularly awful, it's ok in my book.

      The what ifs are fuelling your guilt and depression yet the ironic thing about what if's are they are irrelevant and serve no positive purpose.

      What if you didn't tell him and he found out, what if you didn't ignore your friends would your boyfriend have ended it? You can turn all the what ifs into whatever you want. 

      Try finding a mindfulness class or counsellor who also specialises in guilt as your living your life in the past which is preventing you moving on, mindfulness trains you to live in the now. It also sounds like your grieving the loss of a relationship which you feel responsible for, all of which can be talked through with an experienced counsellor.

      Have you written to your X about it all and asked for forgiveness so you can forgive yourself.

      Youve served your "penance" even though you didn't do anything that deserves putting yourself through this.

      I'd like you to definitely seek CBT counselling and counselling in guilt and grief, either way it's time to take steps to put it behind you.

      Take good care of yourself, your worth it.

      N 

    • gnnir
      gnnir Aspinan

      Posted

      Thanks 'N'.

      My ex was tipped-off and I admitted it.

      I lost touch with several existing friends bear home because I invested a lot of weekend and holiday time in the relationship by going to his place - quite a long way from my place.

      So, existing friendships were ignored meaning that, when the long distance relationship ended, I had lost all but my small close family.

      He has forgiven me.  I just can't forgive myself.

    • gillian20097
      gillian20097 gnnir

      Posted

      Im also had a HIV scare that triggered this episode but I do feel that the HIV thing alone wouldn't of done this to me,it was a build up of many years stress and the tests I had done and the waiting just tipped me over the edge.

      We all have thoughts and when suffering anxiety and depression they can take us to places mentally that we would of never deemed possible.

      Depressed/anxious minds cling to every negative and play them over and over on a loop. They are not our real thoughts. They are thoughts of a chemically imbalanced,tired mind.

      Once you start to recover you will let go off these thoughts or they won't matter to you and you will think more positively and move away from all this. It takes time Hun but you will get there xx

    • Aspinan
      Aspinan gnnir

      Posted

      Hi gnnir, I know this is off the wall but would you be comfortable as just friends with your X and his partner inc his group of friends. If your both comfortable with that perhaps it's an opportunity to meet up once every so often as a group so not a 1:1 and maybe it could start your healing process?

      If you are still in touch or have numbers for your old friendships then contact them and simply invite round for a coffee or meet in town to "catch up" and see where it goes.

      Unless bridges have been totally burnt down then they can always be crossed or fixed. 

      Take care. Neil 

  • hypercat
    hypercat gnnir

    Posted

    Hi I am sorry you are feeling so bad.   So you messed up.  Join the club.  There is not one of us who hasn't done this sometimes but it's because we are human.  You don't need to feel guilt and shame because you messed up.  

    We all need and deserve sympathy sometimes so you certainly have mine - and empathy as well.   Please don't be so hard on yourself.   If your ex and you were meant to be together you still would be.  He would have found a way to forgive you and move on.  It is his loss as much as yours.  It sounds like things had run their course and now you must start to move on too.  I know that is not easy but you must give yourself every chance and try your best to.   

    Don't forget suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  Stay with us please and forgive yourself.   xx 

  • gnnir
    gnnir

    Posted

    Thanks for your kind words and support, guys.

    My GP has put me on 300mg of Pregablin per day to calm my anxiety.

    But I just don't see how I can get over this.

  • gnnir
    gnnir

    Posted

    I was released from hospital on Tuesday and saw my GP on Wednesday.  He decided to put me on Pregablin, 150mg twice a day.  So now I am on that, Mirtazapine 45mg, Quetiapine 150mg and Zopiclone 7.5mg.

    When in hospital, I had CT and MRI scans which were clear.

    However, I am continuing to have troubling symptons which are adding to my depression.  I have blurred vision, strange sensations in my arms and legs, and veering to the left when I walk.

    I don't believe that these symptoms could be caused by anxiety?

    I am still concerned that they have been caused by my heavy drinking in October.

    I can't keep going tp

    • gnnir
      gnnir

      Posted

      Sorry ...  I hit the reply button too soon!

      I was going to say I can't keep going to the local A&E.

      On the other hand, these symptoms are troubling and adding to my depression. 

      Any thoughts?

      Thanks,

      Gavin. 

  • sarah86347
    sarah86347 gnnir

    Posted

    You are a human being and these things happen.

    Antidepressants MIGHT take the edge off, but your sadness is caused by the circumstances not by anything going wrong in your brain and thats probably why the psychiatrist isnt working, because theyre offering you them. Dont lose hope in yourself because one treatment didnt work, maybe it isnt the right treatmen and maybe you do not need treatment at all - more on that later. 

    The fact you have come on here for help shows you are strong and a fighter, and you know that it is possible to hear things that can make you feel better smile

     It seems to me that in 2013, the HIV scare coupled with the split all came to a head and that's when you finally began to 'grieve' for your relationship. We are only 1 year on from this, maybe you have not given yourself enough time to get over it? If this was my post - my 8 year relationship ended and a HIV scare, and a year later I was feeling miserable would that be unusual? No.

    Nomatter whether it was your fault or not that it is over, it is still a loss and a loss you can hurt over. 

    That doesnt mean that even though its expected that its pleasant, it wont be but dont deny yourself to feel. To feel is then to heal. 

    You need some support in this process, not an escape from it via medication, alcohol or anything else.

    This is where I would choose counselling, private or health service. You need someone to work through your feelings with, to organise them so you can deal with them and then move on from them.

    Get this organised.

    On particularly bad times call the Samaritans.

    There will alsays be someone there for you nomatter what x 

     

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