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I am a 46 year old single gay male and I ĺive alone.
I was in a long term, long distance relationship with a wonderful guy from 2002 to 2010.
Our relationship ended when he discovered - and I admitted - that I was spending some of our time apart chatting to other gay guys on internet chat rooms.
I did apologise but the damage was done and we split-up.
I coped OK at the time and for 2 years. However, in 2013 I was on holiday alone and caught an STI. I had suspicious symptoms soon afterwards that xaused an HIV scare. By the time I could be certain I had not caught HIV, bad situational depression had set in. Around the same time, my former partner told me he had finally met someone else.
My depression has worsened as I continually punish myself with the guilt and shame over my conduct, to the extent that I feel that my suicide is inevitable. I also hate myself for feeling jealous that he is happily partnered again, because but for my hurtful thoughtlessness it would still have been me.
Despite my indiscretions, I did put a lot of time and energy into our relationship, to the detriment of existing friendships and acquaintences, and many of them moved on too.
I don't rationally think I am a bad person but I am tortured by a compulsion to persecute myself about what happened and can't see how I can get out of this mess of my own making.
I have had 2 spells in psychiatric hospitals, been on various high dose anti-depressants, see a psychiatrist and CPN regularly, all to no avail.
I have tried regular exercise to no avail. Unfortunately I turned to drink in October and had 2 very heavy binges - totally uncharacteristi of me. I just wanted to blot everything else.
I don't want or deserve sympathy, because I messed up, but I would appreciate advice about dealing with guilt and shame - before it's too late.
Thank you all for any help you can give me.
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