Violent urges towards puppy. Help.

(Oh boy. I'm probably going to get bashed for this.)

I'm 21 and have always been struggling with anxiety and anger issues. I've acted violently towards objects and myself, but never hurt others. I don't even kill mosquitoes, because I get overwhelmed with guilt.

Recently (and after literally years of preparation and research), my boyfriend and I have adopted a puppy. I've always had animals without having any problem with them : rabbits, cats, older dogs, and even a parrot (I still have her, she has a temper and can be a huge pain in the ass but I love her no matter what and can't imagine my life without her). Now, this is not your typical puppy. I mean, he is the most well-behaved, calm and perfect dog I know. He learns really fast, is house-trained, sleeps through the night, doesn't pull the leash.. He ate ONE sock one day and never did it again (we just told him it was wrong, and when he feels that we are not happy with him, he gets very stressed. We don't even yell. Just have to talk calmly and firmly).

I use positive reinforcement with him, like all my animals. I've always LOVED to work with dogs, event problematic ones. Teaching them things through games and treats is a blast for me.

That's where things go really wrong. 

I love him, and can spend days teaching him something. He is scared of water ? We'll fix it with ham and praises ! He pees on the couch or marks inside ? We'll find something to help him understand that this is not a thing to do ! He snuggles next to me ? He'll get hours of belly rubs ! 

Then, suddenly, I hate him. 

Like, HATE him. I want him to be scared, feel pain, go through hell. I don't want him gone or far from me, I want to see him suffer. I feel immense satisfaction when I think about him being in pain or in distress. 

Then I go back to normal and cry for hours, realizing how horrible I am. 

Let this be clear : I don't beat my dog. I bite my hand to the blood to avoid doing anything bad towards him. I punch a wall, scream in a pillow.. I find something. 

But it makes me act unfair towards him sometimes. I will yell at him because he doesn't eat all of his food, or ground him for not sitting quickly enough when I ask. I hit him on the nose once because he wanted to play with another dog in the street and stopped listening to me. I push him, annoy him. I even hit him once because he was not walking fast enough. It was a gentle hit and he was more surprised than anything, but I'm so afraid to go too far one day. 

I know how good he is. He's a dog, you can't get more innocent than a dog. I know I'm a monster, and should not be around him. I know these urges towards him are NOT a normal thing.

I see a therapist and my boyfriend knows about most of it. I don't want to give him away. My boyfriend loves him so much, and it would bring so much pain to us. I want to see him grow, teach him lots of things, protect him from every danger of this world. 

But right now, I am the danger. I'm so scared of myself, and don't understand a bit what happens to me. I've had a violent father, but I don't feel like it influenced me in any way. 

I don't know if there is any hope to fix this. If my therapist comes to the conclusion that I can't be around dogs anymore, I'll find him the best home I can. Because his well-being is my priority. 

I feel lost. I've never had any diagnostic, and every therapist I saw before the actual one told me I was perfectly fine. 

I'll take any advice, any remark, any word that can help.

I hurt my dog, I hurt my boyfriend, and I'm breaking down even thinking about this. 

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