Want to die
Posted , 6 users are following.
40 year old Dublin man here, stumbled upon this when scrolling through ways to die. I was in a relationship for nearly the whole of last year, the woman has 2 small kids and an older son,I loved her like crazy maybe too much an came across as controllin to her but didn't see it or mean to be like that, I've got a 12 year old daughter that has just bein me an her for years. I fell in love last February an was full on love.but her husband that walked out on her an the kids was always in the background.drinkin an doin drugs alot. I thought I was with her for life an loved the kids an life we had for the year,had plans for Xmas an talked about a trip to Vegas this March an loads of other things. I really thought I was settled for life an nothin could go wrong, then a day back in October she said she needed space,this was a week when my mam got rushed to hospital so my mind was all over the place anyway. I said some stupid horrible stuff to her an didn't mean any of it but obviously she didn't believe any of it, I had the worst Xmas I've ever had, lost interest in doin anythin an even wit my own daughter feel like I'm not the same person an when she talks to me it's like I'm miles away an lost..in work most days I think about everythin I've lost an think alot about suicide everyday really,I cry an hide it from my work friends,I get home most nights an think of dien an cry more an how it would affect my daughter an she'd be about it all..she's the last person I want to hurt but feels like I can't go on, I've told my ex how I felt an had a date of February the 10th in my head that I'd hang myself,I just needed to talk an tell her how I was feeling but she went an told my niece sister then sister told my brother, didn't need all this an just makes me feel worse. I've suffered from depression an anxiety in the past an it's all come back now wit a bang and feel so low wit how my life has gone an nothin to look forward to an this year feels like theirs nothin for me an just want out. Have the rope on the ready on eBay an thought about where I'll do it. Don't want to be feelin this way but feels like a losing battle an it's my only option.
1 like, 14 replies
Patient FeelinSuicidal
Posted
Hi FeelinSuicidal
We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.
If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.
Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.
If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.
Kindest regards
Patient
hedda99 FeelinSuicidal
Posted
Ok, I'm going to tell you exactly what you should do today. Make a GPs appointment and keep it. Don't bottle out. Then tell them that you are suicidal and have plans in place. You don't really want to die. I know you don't, because I feel much the same as you. I know you don't want to leave your daughter or screw her up (which it would if you did what you are thinking about). I have children and they are what's stopping me in my darkest moments. Did you know that if one parent commits suicide then it raises your own chances of doing the same thing? I'm saying that knowing that I feel completely hopeless, but I also know that I am very depressed right now, and have been for a number of months, but that I don't always feel like this. I know that when my mood lifts I won't be thinking as negatively. I'm not on any anti-depressants just now as I had a bad reaction to the last one and I'm waiting on my first proper psychiatrists appointment. It has been absolute hell, but I'm holding on - just!
Get yourself to the GP. Get yourself on an anti-depressant to help lift your mood. (sadly they don't work straight away and sometimes you have to try more than one). You will probably be referred to a mental health team because you have been putting plans in place.
Don't let the depression deprive your daughter of her Dad.
I'm sorry the relationship did not work out. Yes it is very sad but it is a mistake to pin all your happiness on one person. It sounds like your self-esteem is low which might be why you fell so hard, and why the break-up has led to such deep depression.
Please see your GP asap, and post on here again if you feel things are too much. Take care X
deb87510 FeelinSuicidal
Posted
FeelinSuicidal deb87510
Posted
Hi Debs, thanks for the reply, February 3rd is my daughter's bday an wanted to do somethin good for her before I done this.. I've bein to the doctor and got relaxing tablets an sleeping tablets, doctor wasn't great to be honest when it came to medication !!
Adldiane FeelinSuicidal
Posted
Hello I am so glad that you wrote in to us. I would agree that your depression is very severe. Will you call the GP and make a double appointment and tell the doctor what you have told us? Get on some antidepressants and ask to be referred to a therapist. I have had lots of counseling and take the meds all have helped me. Will you do this. Depression can be treated. You are a good man don't let this disease take you away from that little girl who loves and needs her daddy. Please keep writing we will keep supporting you and you never have to be alone again. Diane
FeelinSuicidal Adldiane
Posted
Hi Diane, thanks for the message, it means alot and from everyone else that has replied.. 2 days ago I was talkin to my ex for around 2 hours, she's obviously concerned but says she can't be dealing wit this cause of her two young kids an her older son doin his leavin cert this year. Plus then after I asked she told me her an her husband are givin it another go. Was hard to hear her say that but I sorta knew, she bad mouthed him for the whole time we where together an told me how he'd sit out in the shed, wouldn't buy the older son anythin which isn't his by the way.wouldn't sit with her watchin a film or if kids where watchin cartoons he'd come in an put the horse racing channel on ! I was complete opposite to him, I was their for her an brought her out to restaurants hotel nights away anyways out wit the kids,everythin was the full family man lol. Anyway 2 nights ago when she told me that I didn't sleep a wink an every single thought goin through my head. I painted her bedroom an done it up for 3weekends over the summer cause it was in a bit of a mess,I spent my lunch breaks goin to D I Y stores picking stuff up an she loved it when it was finished, now I'm thinkin all that time (even droppin my daughter some weekends) now he'll be back in that bedroom after all I've done an how I treated her,feel so used an let down even more !!
Adldiane FeelinSuicidal
Posted
FeelinSuicidal Adldiane
Posted
Hi, I'm gonna go the doctor again tomorrow an get some anti depressants and sleeping tablets.. I'll see how he is tomorrow, if he's no better tomorrow I'll try a different doctor. Thanks again
lucy1969 FeelinSuicidal
Posted
I'm so sorry you've found yourself in such a dark place, I know from personal experience how bad it can get. I've been there a few times, the last time only a couple of weeks ago.
This really is a temporary feeling. It can and does get better. Yes, it might come back again but it always gets better again given time and support.
You owe it to yourself and your daughter to get some help with this. Have you sought medical help with this already? Talk to your GP, if talking is too hard write it down, just like you've had the courage to do here and give it to your GP to read. There is so much support out there - medication, talking therapies, peer support etc. There's no shame in getting help or taking medication. Depression is an illness, just like any other and it CAN be treated. Please give yourself this chance, your daughter needs you.
FeelinSuicidal lucy1969
Posted
Hi Lucy, thanks for the reply and the support, I'm gonna call doctor tomorrow cause I'm out of sleepin pills but will tell him I need some anti depressants , I don't know if he gave strong enough ones last time, could you tell me the best ones to ask him about ? Thanks again for your reply an time
sorry too about you havin these feelings, it's horrible really really is.
lucy1969 FeelinSuicidal
Posted
It's difficult to say which would be good meds for you as everyone reacts very differently to them - what works well for one person may not have any effect on another. I don't think it's so much about strength, just finding the right med that suits you. It's not uncommon to try a few before finding one that works well for you. It can be frustrating as you have to give each one at least two or three months to know if they're beginning to help.
A good starting point would be one of the SSRI'S (citalopram and fluoxetine are popular in this class). There are also SNRI's (venlafaxine and duloxetine) but withdrawals can be bad with these although many people swear by them.
Some antidepressants can also help with sleep (I'm currently on trazadone which I take at night and works brilliantly for sleep) while others can help give you more energy (venlafaxine is one of the ones that helps with this).
Could you ask your GP to refer you to a psychiatrist? Psychiatrists are experts with medication and will often use a combination of meds to get the desired effect (I'm currently on four different meds from my psychiatrist). Psychiatrists also have access to a far wider range of talking therapies while GP's tend to only be able to refer you for basic counselling or CBT.
All of this can take time, finding the right meds, the right therapist and working through it. It can be a long journey but it should give you hope that you can get through it in time.
Anthony0100 FeelinSuicidal
Posted
Hi, youre not alone the way you feel. It sounds like you have been through similar to myself. Last year I had a relationship break down through no fault of my own which was the final straw in an awful year and sent me into major depression.
I'm 41 and also have a teenage daughter and believe me mate she's the only thing that kept me going through the dark period which I thought I'd never recover from but I can see light at the end of the tunnel now compared to where I was 3 months ago.
Please keep going for your daughter. I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel miles away and lost when she talks to you but at least youre there even if you're in a really dark place right now. Your daughter needs you and as hard as it is and believe me I know how hard it is, you are her world and she is more important than any partner in your life. I know you can't see that right now but you will.
Private message me and talk further anytime. I hope I can be of help as a kindred spirit my friend....
FeelinSuicidal Anthony0100
Posted
Hey Anto thanks for replyin, means alot. My daughter is the only reason I'm still alive now. Every time I think about doin what I said I think of her an kills me that I'd be hurtin her so much an letting her down big time. I've wrote a suicide note to her dated 20/12/17 an through to last night. Cryin like crazy writing it out talkin about everythin we done through the years an how it was just me an her.. I've got it put away an adding more every couple of days. Kills me to hurt her but then I try weighin up the positives an negatives, I really don't want to be feelin this way,I never thought I'd be like this this bad !!She is more important than any partner your right but after havin such a great year an plans then for this year which included her goin to Vegas with us just feel totally let down an can't see it gettin any better, I really did think we'd be together for the rest of my life after all the things we said an plans we made !
Sorry you've bein in this place too it's a horrible situation to be in an happy for you to have got better from it,
Thanks again for your reply cheers mate.
FeelinSuicidal Anthony0100
Posted
Just letting you know I replied to your message but it hasn't bein cleared by the moderators yet ! This might go through quicker... Thanks for your reply, as I said your right my daughter is more important than any partner,she's the season I'm still alive right now ! Need to get my head together quick cause it's bein all down hill since October then Xmas an new year then the last week I never felt as down in my life, then I find out my ex is givin it another go wit her husband an I'm still stuck in October an how things turned out ! It's like my own worst nightmare life couldn't be any worse, losin her,never to see those kids again which I was mad about about an got on great wit,an then for her to turn back to him after all the bad things she told me about him an how good I was to her an her kids.. head gone to mush