Want to leave wife and be alone.
Posted , 5 users are following.
Little back history. I have suffered from depression and anxiety, with panic attacks since my early 20's, I'm now 48. Over the years I have tried just about everything from drug therapy to Reiki to hypnotherapy to NLP. The feelings keep coming back.
Initially the depression and anxiety only manifested themselves when I was in a relationship. I was perhaps a bit of a loner and shy around woman. When in a relationship I always wanted to escape, be free. Out of a relationship I felt lonely and isolated. Realised two things; 1. I had commitment phobia and 2. I needed a live of my own to be more self sufficent..happier in myself. So worked hard to achieve this. It seemed to pay off.
In my 30's I had an excellent well paid job. The panic attacks had abated and the depression was less troublesome. A change of boss meant I went from a supportive caring person to someone who was still caring but also subtely critical too. Also went out with a girl who was always nit picking what I said and did. The panic attacks returned, then the depression. I fought it but evertually threw it all in to work on a farm. Didn't take long to realise my mistake.
After 5 years in the wilderness, I joined a dating site and met a very supportive girl. She was/is caring, but it very forthright and doesn't suffer my "woe is me" espisodes. Tells me to pull it together etc etc
We have been married nearly 5 years now. We have tried for children...although I was in two minds. One naturally conceived pregnancy with a miscarriage and a few rounds of IVF later, we have given up and accepted it will not be. My wife is very upset, while I feel upset when talking about it but in another way relieved.
I'll cut to the chase. Have always had doubts, the usual commitment stuff, but last summer it became worse, finally gave into the thoughts before Christmas and started on Citalopram. The anxiety and depression about the doubts was too much. It has been hard. I'm now on 20mg Cit with Amitripytline for sleep. Propranolol as need. After 3 weeks at 20mg Cit I was starting to feel reasonably better, but this week has been awful. I'm racked by thoughts of leaving and if I'm honest darker thoughts about life too. Tried to talk to my wife about it, but she is down too and fighting her own battles. I'm waiting to see a psychotherpist in a few weeks.
My question is; is it common to feel this need to run away from marriage when depressed. I have so many reasons why to leave and struggle to find any to stay. Also, am I expecting too much from the Cit at this stage...or could the Cit be removing the barriers that have been keeping me home and giving me the strength to consider a new start.
I'm racked by anxiety and doubts. It is hard to think about anything else. Have spent hours searching the Net for answers...which is stupid.
1 like, 5 replies
Yogadatti alan74108
Posted
know my husband just makes me feel worse and worse....I don't like the matter of fact attitude at all, because you can't "pull yourself out of it" as if you could, you would.
alan74108 Yogadatti
Posted
And I've have a tendancy towards depression even when not in a relationship. It's like I've got to find something to blame outside of myself. It has clouded by judgement in the past, made some poor decisions based on my mood at the time.
jackie82937 alan74108
Posted
My husband dumped our kids and me, what did we do? Nothing! He was bullied at work, refuses treatment and is now self medicating with alcohol and with an alcoholic he has chosen a long slow death - tough his lookout, any love and respect we had has gone, he's acting like a total d*ck. Don;t think I don't understand I've seen the other side anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, years on meds but I sorted my sh*t. So yes of course do as all the others do and leave your wife, where ever you go the Depression will go with you because Depression is the problem not your wife but that's only my opinion!
linda66990 alan74108
Posted
Digsby alan74108
Posted
Sorry life is so tough for you at the moment. In my experience, and reading lots of other people's posts, depression often pushes us into self-destructive thoughts and behaviour. The sense of wanting to run away and escape the pain (or whatever it is we are struggling to cope with) is very common. We are responsible for our actions and they can lead to regret but the thoughts are another matter - they do not represent actual fact all of the time and can come into our heads unbidden, like unwelcome visitors. Mindfulness has taught me to observe and interrogate these negative thoughts, giving myself the space I need not to act on any urges that might be self-destructive.
My 20-year marriage ended in 2011 so I'm not a relationship expert but I would say that honesty and communication are at the heart of any healthy relationship. When one half of the partnership is suffering, the other half can often compensate and offer strength because of the love that exists and the desire for the relationship to survive. When both parties are suffering, the stress on the relationship can be really hard. I think depression blurs our identity and makes us doubt everything about ourselves - in effect, we "lose" ourselves. You're in a state of mind where you are questioning a lot about your life but I'm not sure it is the best time for life-changing decisions. It may be that you just need a bit of space at the moment. It sounds as if there is still love in your marriage between the two of you. Just a lot of mental suffering from the childlessness. You are still a team and you are stronger together than apart. Be honest and take a break if you can - whatever it takes to "find" yourself. Don't let the depression destroy something worth saving. Good luck mate :-)