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Anyone who knows me I've been going through the wringer lately. Had a very stressful week, had respiratory tests done, got a machine to test my breathing morning and night for a week, good news my second bowel test was clear, yipee!!!!. Had 3 monthly appointment with psychiatrist actually went well felt as if she listened this time and lasted an hour, told her more stuff has come to light following my BP assessment not that it would make a difference I don;t think but she will contact the Dr that completed this. It's stuff I need to download to deal with it. Next day the long travel for OHS assessment had been a wake since 5 am, self harmed on the bus as getting very up tight and anxious stupid or what, got in a panic as got lost and couldn't find the street in the city where the building was, did find it in the end. Panicked because the city was busy, felt trapped in a few shops, managed not to cry. Appointment went well the Dr remembered me from last time as I frightened him being so aggressive, he said he had noticed improvements and I know what;s going on , his report he said will hopefully protect me at work while I am still trying to sort my head out without them sacking me, I think my work are quite concerned as I walked out a few weeks ago and took more meds than i should of not enough to do myself in but enough to make me shot away as they hadn;t put in place support as the both members of staff I was suppose to go to were off. Anyway suggestions are reduce my hours for at least 8-12 weeks, more support and structure, further assessment after that. Very unsure as can;t think how this will work, contacted union rep who has been involved since I went off over 2 years ago. told you it will be a muddle. got my eyes tested they are ok but panicked again in the shopping centre as too busy. 70 mile drive home was good so good that I got high and a rush from its speeding and it was dark it felt good!!, delivered shopping that I was asked to get from a work colleague who said I was a different person she hadn't seen. I was flying... Later got a text from another friend who is struggling with the news about the abuse to young footballers as it is bringing memories back to him (not being a footballer though) tried to answer his text suggesting to talk to gP/Samaritians/family or even write it down as he doesn't wnat to talk about it this is the 3rd time he has text me about this. Find it hard to help did offer to listen but couldn't give any advice As have my own problems(wouldn;t talk to him as don;t trust him as he tends to drink too much in company loose tongue), bought in more memories to me ended up driving very recklessly made myself park up before I crashed and rang samaritians talked through his texts, mentioned my past changed the subject managed to calm down, talked again about me but avoided a lot of answers as not ready to talk about it.
good walk out with a friend on Saturday, did fall over in the mud even laughed. Still only sleeping in two hour slots, took diazepam again to try and relax, today at work dreaded it, talked ot my line manager about last week he said too busy to look into yet plus he is off later this week. He is very stressed to as he is temp manager or an I making excuses for him, he is getting paid extra money.
got my copy of the report, went to exercise class tonight after ended sat by the sea, high tide deep enough to jump off the car park, but going to g/kids school xmas show on Thursday then got to keep going as my sister is coming to stay so got to do housework so ended going for a good drive in the dark. Now home getting drunk cos i can and just updating you all.
Said it would be a mess like me. Thanks for reading if you get to the end. x
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