Wavering at the End

Posted , 3 users are following.

Hi, everyone. Seven years ago, I had a tumor removed from my spinal cord, and now I've got this crazy electrical pain on my left side from hip to toes. The only relief is warm water, a space heater, or human touch.

The doctor prescribed all kinds of stuff in the beginning, but I didn't like any of it. Just as I was about to give up, she put me on Tramadol, and I really, really liked it. It doesn't take away the pain, but damn I feel good. I want to move around and talk to people. It's great!

My trouble (other than the usual negatives) is that she allowed 300 mg per day but soon left the practice. The new doctor only allows 200, and I constantly struggle to stay on track. I usually go through the bulk of my allowance in the first two and a half weeks, and then have to make due until the end of the month. There's a lot of shame and frustration that come with that, but they're easily forgotten with a refill.

Well, this month I took even more than usual and had to keep reducing my allowance to get through. At first, I had 100 mg per day. Then I used a pill cutter to make it 75, then 50, then 25, and for the past seven days, I've survived on somewhere around 12.

That brings me to my point in writing. I'm so close. I'm right at the door, but I'm also counting the hours until my refill. I keep saying, "This'd be the perfect time to quit. I should do it now. Also, it's only 47 more hours."

Part of it is the cravings. I finished the usual sleepless nights and mindless days with diarrhea, sneezing, runny nose, yawning, and headaches, but it's still, "Just half a pill. That's all I need." Also, I'm really angry today. My hands need to wrap around someone's throat, and I need to throw my phone through a window or TV screen.

So, here I am. With every intention to never do it again, but only 46 hours and 58 minutes to go. I know there's nothing anyone can do to help, but writing is therapeutic, and I needed to get it off my chest. If anyone reads this far, thank you.

0 likes, 4 replies

4 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi there!!!

    Your story stopped me dead in my tracks today. It is EXACTLY what I went through sooooooo many times. Exactly how you said, I would go through the withdrawals you mentioned and yet I would STILL go get my refill days later. I hope to God I can talk you out of going to get it. For me it took 10years to fight it off. At first when you take it, it IS all happy and great and as you said, you could talk to people all day if theyd let you, BUT it turns into an uglier monster very soon. Suddenly you are wishing your spouse would go to work so you can be alone with your tramadol high. Then you start pulling away from family and friends, all very noticeably, but you dont care. The tramadol is "worth" it. This cycle goes on and on and takes everything you care about away from you and soon you find that being around people is now uncomfortable. I am a very normally outgoing, super social person, and tramadol turned me into a hermit that had NOTHING each day except my tramadol, it becomes ALL you think about. For me this HELL lasted 10 years. 10 years that I can never get back. I beg you to praise yourself for getting through the withdrawals and do NOT pick up that prescription. I truly beg you. It gets sooooooo much worse than everything you described above and that is already hell in itself. I wish soooooo bad that I had someone to have told me this 10years ago. My life would have been 100 times better this last decade. 10 years ago they told me I was crazy that I had withdrawal from it as they swore that was impossible from tramadol, and that it's not addictive at all. Well approx 7 years later it became an official opiate. I tried telling my doctor that years beforehand.

    I truly hope this convinces you to stop. I want to spare everyone from ever going through the awful cycle of tramadol addiction. It is the worst thing that ever happened in my world, hands down. It isnt easy making yourself stay away from the pharmacy, but it IS possible! Trust me, it IS!!!!! Life is a gift, but it's too short, you dont want to waste anymore time dependent on a pill that can make or break your day. The power it has over us is insane. You are in control though, you proved it by slowly rationing your dosage down each day. Use that control to let go of this nightmare. You can do it, I PROMISE you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Best of luck, please stay in touch!!!!!



    • Posted

      Hi! Thank you for your reply. I didn't want to say anything back until I'd made up my mind, and I drove past the pharmacy this morning. Past it. Of course, I've got to do that again and again until my prescription expires. If the cravings, headache, and anger are as strong as they are right now, I don't see how I can make it. But anyway, I made it today. Thanks again!

  • Posted

    Hi! Just want to say I understand. It's been 6 years for me. It was great at first I felt just like you, but over time, I needed more and more and the way it made me feel changed. I no longer had any sort of high from it, i just needed it to feel normal. AND theres this constant fear that I wont be able to get more and what happens if I run out. Now I have debilitating headaches that i believe are part of my body no longer functioning correctly. It has taken my life away. I don't want to socialize either - just a hermit. I've got a lot of anxiety and at times i am angry. It wells up in me and makes me mad and i over react to people. I'm always out of breath- all the time. The longer you stay on this the longer your life will be destroyed.

    • Posted

      Hi! Thank you for your reply. Do I read correctly that you're still taking it? If so, and if you want to quit, I'm happy to help however I can. I have no idea why I cared about the encouragement of a totally anonymous stranger, but it turned out to be the thing that sealed the deal for me...at least for today.

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