What am I missing???

Posted , 5 users are following.

You know when you are sick and you know that you are sick and you finally give in and take some drugs. And you get better, but not fully better and it’s frustrating. And the times you feel better you realise quite how sick you were, and although you tried to soldier on, you don’t know why you didn’t try and get better sooner. And the days you feel sick again, those are the days that feel the worst because you have had a taste of what it is to be well.

But when you wake up day after day not knowing if you will be sick or well, able to cope or not, that the smallest thing might make you sick again- that worries me.

It’s like the lingering cough that you’re scared may turn into a choke.

This is my experience with depression, and with antidepressants, if I had to rate how bad I was it was in the start I’d say probably a 9/10, that with drugs dropped to a 5/10, but some days it gets dark and I go back to a 8 or 9. This is probably 2 days a week.

On the ‘good days’ I have perspective. I can count the reasons not to hurt myself, not to give up. On the ‘bad days’ I lose all rationalism, I don’t want to get up, I don’t want to see people, talk to people, everything seems futile, I know I’m a failure and I’m scared everyone else will notice. I panic so much I cannot swallow, I get dizzy and shaky, I smoke my way through the day and fill my work calendar with fake appointments.

I don’t know what I need, I can recognise progress, I can recognise the start of feeling normal, but it is not a complete work. The ‘dark days’ haunt me, even on my ‘good days’ as I fear going back there.

My GP has referred me to a psychiatrist, she’s says she doesn’t know if she’s ‘missed something’ she doesn’t know why the drugs aren’t having the full effect she would anticipate.

I’m currently on 150mg of Sertraline, she says I may have to go to 200mg (max dose) but only after a psychiatric sign off. In the beginning I thought the drugs were helping, I felt better. But in retrospect I think they were like taking a Paracetamol for a long migraine- a slight lightening after years of feeling sick, but not really treating.

I believe I am just suffering from severe depression and moderate anxiety, but I worry I am hiding something, am I being honest with myself? Or is there something deeper? I have been good at hiding things my whole life, my closest friends and family don’t know this is going on. My parents don’t know that I have smoked for 14 years! Every scar on my body has a perfectly formulated lie around it, so they would never know about the self-harm. I’m ashamed of my depression even though I know it is an illness, I just long for an excuse.

So I will wait for my psychiatric assessment, but in the meantime I just wanted to ‘vent’ to for once be honest, and to ask am I missing something? Is my doctor missing something? My hope is that I’m just on the wrong meds/ wrong dose and I can be ok, my fear is there is something deeper and darker.

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12 Replies

  • Posted

    You are more self aware, analytical and sensible than most who get referred to therapists and psychiatrists. Hope you feel better soon. I cannot see a counsellor being able to help you BECAUSE you are so self aware and analytical.
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    • Posted

      Hi, thanks for your speedy reply.

      It was a relief to read as I don't feel all that analytical or sensible, so it's nice to know I can be perceived that way!

      I think perhaps I need to write stuff down and take it with me to the psychiatrist as often at the docs all I can muster is 'I feel F*c'*d up, and I don't know what to do'

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  • Posted

    Hi Ella depression is not a sign of weakness and is nothing to be ashamed of.  The fact that you recognise that something is wrong is a sign of strength and even more so because you are at last seeking treatment.  

    I think counselling will help you but only if you allow yourself to open up fully and not keep hiding things from others.  The good news is you are not lying to yourself or in denial.  Some of the most  talented and successful people suffer from depression and they are not thought of as a 'failure'.   And neither are you.  You are suffering from a horrible illness which isn't your fault.  It is not a weakness in you and you are showing great strength in being willing to tackle it.

    Let us know how you get on and take care.  xx

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    • Posted

      H Hypercat,

      Thanks for getting back to me. I really appreciate your kind words.

      Truth is I've battled on and off with it for most of my (nearly) 30 years, tried various rounds of meds, given up quickly and tried to be 'normal'

      This is the first time really that I have seen it through, where I have kept going.

      The first (and last) time I got refered to a psyciatrist was when I was 13 and tried to kill myself, after some very bad decisions with sex and drugs. They saw me for 30 mins, then spoke to my Mum and dismissed me as fine. I was 13 and tried to kill myself I really don't know how they dismissed me so quickly.

      I suppose I'm scared of going for 2 reasons;

      1- they tell me I'm more ill than I even realise.

      2- they dismiss me like before.

      But I suppose if I never go I'll never know!

      Ella x

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    • Posted

      Hi Ella,

      I very  much recognise parts of what you say in myself.  Hiding how how you really feel and also being scared of what others think.

      However, you are indeed in control of some aspects of your condition which is amazing and you should be very proud. Depression is such a cruel illness in that you feel you are better and then it hits you again when you least expect it. But the fact that you are aware of how your meds are working and going to see the psych again show that you are starting to take control of this episode. Remember there are times when you do feel well and there will be more.

      I definitely think writing feelings and thoughts down helps. I did that with a view to referring to or reading it when I saw a doc. However I was so upset and wretched I couldn't speak but the doc took the note from my hand and read it out loud. This helped me start to talk. Give it a try.

      Take care and keep communicating x


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    • Posted

      Thanks Wedgewood. How much of what you are going through have you shared with friends and family? I'm so ashamed my own husband doesn't even know the extent.

      When you did talk to people how did they react?

      Part of me is desperate to talk about it, the other is terrified.

      I feel like I will talk about it either when I am feeling a bit more in control, or if I feel desperate/ suicidal.

      Until then I just feel like it will wreck things I can't stand the thought of being tip-toed around. I feel like I function most 'normally' when people are being 'normal' even if I am faking it.

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    • Posted

      Firstly, you have nothing to be ashamed of, you are not well and need time, support, medication and understanding.

      I would say all if my family knows pretty much everything generally speaking but that happens when you take an overdose alone in the house with a toddler. Some of my friends and family were shocked, some didn't know what to say and even avoided me for a short time. But it is shocking when you see it from the outside as generally suffers are good at putting in a show. 

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    • Posted

      Apologies, I hit the wrong button before I finished

      I find I talk to different people about different things. My husband has stood by me throughout. It hasn't been easy as he felt helpless that he couldn't fix me. My darkest thoughts I have only really shared with a counsellor as I suppose I knew it wouldn't hurt her like it would me family.

      Try and be as open as you can with those nearest. Not everyone will react how you think but some will surprise you x

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    • Posted

      Thanks Wedgewood really really good advice, and thanks for sharing your journey.

      I don't know why I struggle to talk about it so much, even when I was seeing a therapist I still felt guarded. After 5 sessions of saying 'ok' 'alright' and every other not real feeling for ££p/h I've given up for now.

      I don't know how to put my thoughts/ despair into words. Even these msgs I'm writing and rewriting and they still don't feel like I am expressing myself coherently.

      I think for so many years I’ve worn a mask and faked my feelings that now I don’t even know how to be real.

      I saw the doctor out of desperation, after self harming for the first time in 10 years. I’ve seen her probably 10 times in the last 6 months, and even though I feel incredibly supported and not judged I still can’t really explain to her even what’s going on properly, so I don’t even know how to begin with other people.

      I hope once I see the psychiatrist and I have a firm diagnosis THEN I might be able to talk to people. The uncertainty bothers me most.

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    • Posted

      Print this discussion off or copy it down. I think it would be a great starting point. 

      I've seen 3 or 4 different counsellors and it found I only truly opened up,to one of them. I faked feelings too and kept stuff back. I think it's a lot to do with saying out loud some seemingly awful thoughts and feelings, it's scarey. Everything you are feeling is normal for your situation. Keep posting on here as I think it will really help x

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  • Posted

    Hi Ella over 12yrs ago I had various incidents and I was diagnosed with PTSD which now I have these chronic nightmares every night, I have to get up and I walk the house all night, I have been on various drugs for depression with no luck. I have changed to a new doctor who has put me back on the pills, but she is going to put me on a health plan and I will have to see some specialist thats going to try to find the switch to turn off my subconscious mind that makes me relive my nightmare, here's a hoping.

    I know that my problems don't really help you , but you may be able to read into it.This has got bad that twice I have tried to end it all.

    Also I suffer big time with my IBS but I am still here.

    Wishing you all the best and you get all the help you need.


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    • Posted

      Thanks for your well wishes Alexander. I too suffer from very vivid dreams (some nightmares, some not) Might be worth bringing this up with the psyciatrist too.

      Wishing you wellness, and hope the specialists can give you all you need.

      Ella x

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