Posted , 4 users are following.
I've never been diagnosed for anything, nor have I ever been on anti-depressents or anxiety medication. But I'm struggling with some things and I had this realization that hit me that this feeling albeit in a different context, is something I've felt for a long time going back to childhood.
When going to work during stressful times of company "change" or if my numbers are not at plan, or even when I first started this job before I knew everyone there, I would have trouble falling asleep the night before. I would wake up long before my alarm clock went off, my mind racing. Sad songs would play in my mind. I would sit in the shower before work, my head held low, I'd pray to make it through that day. I'd get anxious as I left the house. Suddenly the people in my life, I felt like latching on to. I didn't want to leave the house in the morning. Somehow I wished we could just all call out and be together. But off I'd go to work and I'd take deep breaths and head in to face the day. I always felt like every mistake I make is processed incorrectly. I let it really strike my core, feel shame vs guilt when I would make a mistake or when my work wasn't up to par. When I would have a bad day or month, I wanted to quit. To run away from it all, but I never would. It always alieviated itself in the afternoon as the day went on. Especially on Fridays. I would be in a bliss at that point and through the weekend until the dreaded Sunday night blues would kick in.
At first I thought, I just didn't like my job. Fair point. I've been there awhile and that might be true.
But, I realized something. I used to feel this same way before school when I was younger. Middle school especially. We had moved to a new state, and I had no friends. I was overweight at that time and the kids were awful. I dreaded school.
My mom made a comment to me the other day. "Do you remember as a kid in elementary school, you'd walk halfway there and then come home and beg me to stay home?" We had a laugh, but I realized, wow that was even earlier. I was like 6 then and she's right I'd do that.
You see, in all these situations it's less about the job, the bullies, school, etc. The same feelings of worrying, of feeling this sadness in the morning, of not wanting to go, of wretched shame when I would make mistakes. All the same.
I have also realized that the FEAR OF THIS FEAR, has created a sort of stockholm system in my life. It keeps me in situations stuck, longer than I should be. Or there has also been times where I've quit things rather than see it through.
There is deep sadness added to the above in my life now as I realize in my mid 30s, that a lot of my friends are passing me by. Married, kids, etc. My siblings are incredibly successful, and while I'm not some total loser, I pay all my own bills, have a retirement account, own a small house, etc, I now started this terrible thing of comparing myself to everyone. I just feel like I can't be super successful, that I'm not that smart, that I'm flawed. I know it's not true, but in a way it is.
I'm just not sure what all this sounds like. Is it anxiety? Is it depression? Is it some sort of thing that I don't even know about?
0 likes, 20 replies