What could be making him this way? - Relationship

Posted , 2 users are following.

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years now, we live together (still with his Mother) we're very compatable considering the room we stay in is tiny. We do argue a lot though, and I try to have serious talks with him about how he upsets me and I wish he would treat me better but he just doesnt get it. He thinks everything's fine and doesn't listen to me... Or he'll blame the reason we're arguing on something silly or really irrelevant but he doesn't simply understand that he makes me unhappy? He's not very romantic and he doesn't like talking (which is the complete opposite to me) He'll pretend he's ill or really tired even if I ask him a silly question - e.g what would you do if you won the lottery? That's how silly the questions are, but it's fun to ask silly questions and actually get to know your boyfriend better! I just want to know how I can make him realise, or maybe make him treat me better?

He didn't really grow up with a dad so I'm guessing that might have something to do with how he is. I know he loves me but why does he treat me so badly? How do I make him more fun? I feel like it's my fault sometimes, he is a very nervous person and quite awkward too. So I'm just trying to figure out if there's an actual reason or that's just him and he won't ever change? Maybe he's unhappy with himself? 

Also he never helps me with my problems - family, anxiety, worries etc 

It's like he doesn't know how to show that emotion of support? So I can never talk to him about anything because he doesn't care... 

If I tell him a story about something he wont be interested and he'll basically say it was rubbish at the end. He puts me down on the things I like. I just don't know what to do? 

I do love him, otherwise I wouldn't still be with him but I know this relationship won't last if it's not sorted. It's just depressing being with him. If he ever does listen, he'll go really nice and makes me feel okay and then I forget about how horrible he was and how strongly I wanted this to end and then it happens the next day! Just confusing me and stressing me out.

Thank you if you take the time to reply, sorry about how long it is - I just have to get it off my chest! 

1 like, 8 replies

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8 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi rooper, I'm sorry to hear your story. I aplologise right now because my 'head' is quite bad at the moment, so this may come out rather blunt.

    I met my ex husband when I was 19 and he was 21. He was EXACTLY as you describe your boyfriend to be. And he has NEVER changed. We were together for 20 years. And it was not a happy relationship. He had significant issues to do with his parent's splitting up when he was young, and I have always been certain if he had had better support with that, he wouldn't have turned out the way he is now. But he has never been the sort of person to beleive in depression etc. He never thinks about his mental health, only physical, so I'm not sure he will ever seek help.

    It was a destructive relationship from start to finish. The only thing I don't regret about not walking away at the start, is our two beautiful children. Other than that, it was one drama after another, with my self-esteem and confidence ground into dust. I'm not trying to imply I was perfect. Nobody is. But I desrved to be treated better. And so so you. 

    If you really believe he is worth it then you have to do your best to get him to see how his behaviour is affecting you. And he needs to do more than acknowledge it. He needs to actively 'do' something about it. Otherwise I would hate for you to cling on in the 'hope' that he will one day suddenly just change. He won't.

    I'm really sorry if that all sounded very harsh. I don't want to cause you more upset, but I think you deserve an honest answer.

    Very best wishes xx

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    • Posted

      Thank you for your reply smile

      It's difficult that he doesn't acknowledge it, it's happened too many times and I'm not sure how much hope I have left. I don't want to dig the relationship deeper to end up getting hurt a lot more than if I stopped now. This is my first long term relationship so maybe I'm unfamilliar in how to respond or how to make things better. I know he'll never change but I know if it was me in his shoes I can at least change the way I act towards him or little things - I know that's not hard to do if you truly love someone. 

      Maybe it's because he hasn't matured enough yet, I really don't know. 

      xo

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    • Posted

      Hi rooper, sorry I just saw your reply.  You haven't said how old you are but I'm guessing you are both fairly young, so yes perhaps immaturity is part of it. However my experience involved having the same thought...but it didn't matter how old he got, he was still the same. 

      How does your boyfriend treat other people in his life? Especially women? There were blindingly obvious signs that I should've picked up on in the beginning but didn't, because I too was really young, and inexperienced. I was in too deep before I realised just how bad his attitude was.

      I spent years quite literally in tears all the time. Becoming more and more hysterical. It ended up with me questioning my own sanity and believing I was the one in the wrong all the time. Anytime I tried to express my feelings he would just shut me down. And I used to get so upset with how selfish he was. Just one example is if I needed help with something I would have to wait until he was 'ready'. BUT every single time he needed my help he expected me to drop what I was doing and run to him straight away. And if I didn't he would get really p*ssed off, even angry. If any of that rings bells with you, then you need to do something about it now. Nip it in the bud, or he will just take you for granted. Whether that means you walk away or try to get him to work with you is your descision to make.

      The only last piece of insight I can give you is that if you do decide to call it quits, then you will be amazed when you fid out how it feels to be treated 'properly'!  I've now met someone who is kind, thoughtful, interested in me and who doesn't treat me like a mindless possession. I'm now 40. I hope you don't have to wait that long to be happy.

      Take care and all the very best, Mari xx

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  • Posted

    Does not sound or seem like you are compatable. You noted he never helps you with your problems or anxieties. Maybe you are pleasing him so he is good in the relationshio, but not the best partner for you. There are many people out there who might be more compatable and helpful for you .sometimes love is not enough or strong enough. You can not change another person and not everyone is compassionate or as compassionate as you desire. Its their personality and  can not be changed. You need to figure out for yourself what you are willing to settle for and what you can live with and not worry about his end. This situation will get way worse if any crisis or difficult situation arises. The flaws you see now or find difficult escalate through life so think all this through carefully. I steongly feel you need to focus on changing yourself and becoming more independent.
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  • Posted

    In all honesty, and I'm sorry if this sounds totally insensitive but two people being compatible doesn't mean the relationship is right. You answered your own question, you said you were unhappy. To me it sounds like for one reason or another you feel you have to live with him. It seems like the question you should be asking is how can I sort out living arrangements to break up with me boyfriend.

    There's absolutely no point in trying to stay with someone who doesn't make you feel appreciated. If he loves you for real, he wouldn't let you feel like that. I had a few problems with my boyfriend feeling under appreciated etc, then we nearly broke up and I found out he felt like that too, we've had an incredible relationship ever since.

    In all honesty I feel like your boyfriend doesn't deserve you. No relationship is worth having if he makes you feel that miserable, it isn't a relationship, relationships are mainly supposed to be exciting and fulfil your needs. They should mean you always have someone to talk to about even the smallest of things. But your boyfriend isn't there for that.

    Take my advice, and I understand it's hard - leave him, you'll only regret it if you stay with him.

    This relationship is toxic.

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  • Posted

    Thank you for all your replies. I had a long disscussion with him the other day and the feeling I get from him when he doesn't understand is unexplainable. He puts it off lots because he knows I'll still be here and that's what I hate, but I can't leave? I have so many other problems in my head. I don't have enough money to get my own place, I wouldn't like to go back to my families because there's a lot of stress there. I just feel lost. I don't know if things were different I would have left by now? I've completely lost myself over the years. I know I suffer from depression and anxiety too, and I've noticed when I'm feeling sad I have to focus on a reason why I feel like that - so I focus on bad things that happened. Maybe I'm just a pain to live with? But then I think why hasn't he left me yet? Because I'm unhappy I can get so frustrated and angry all the time. There are days when I feel lucky because he can be such a lovely person. But it's the emotional level that's missing. I have no body to talk to except for one friend. So that on it's own drives me mad, I know my brain works in such a strange way, I just wish his did too sometimes so we could talk about anything and just have a great adventourous life together. I can't picture myself with anybody else. I also have such bad paranoid thoughts all the time and it's driving me mad. Honestly, it's such a horrible thing to have. I'm rambling like mad here but it's the only way I can talk about anything. I do have life plans but I'm so scared to actually do them, it's just a big cycle. 

    I need a huge talk with him and see how things go from there. Otherwise I'm going to be stuck in a loop for the rest of my life and I only get one!

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    • Posted

      Hi rooper, I really feel for you as you sound so much like me and what I went through. I too suffer from anxiety and depression and perhaps that's why I stuck it out for so long (and the kids obviously complicated matters for me too). I wanted to leave...but didn't know how to and didn't think I could 'cope' on my own. As bad as things were I clung on as my confidence and self-esteem were so low. And I couldn't imagine being with anyone else either! I really couldn't. It was amazing to me how quickly that feeling left me after he was gone...when I realised just how bad he made me feel. Someone above mentioned a toxic relationship...that's what mine was, especially by the end. I was feeling suicidal by that point because of how he was 'behaving'.

      You can't live for those moments when he makes you feel special. I tried to and it wasn't enough. He may be a good person but if he can't be in the relationship emotionally then what is the point? My ex isn't a horrible person but he completely failed when it came to any type of emotional support. He would just shut down on me and I would be left floundering and feeling completely alone and uncared for. He never validated my feelings or concerns, and if I tried to tell him how I felt about his lack of support he would just twist it round into how unreasonable I was and how I was failing him! I ended up blaming myself and thinking there must be something awful about me. 

      If you have your big talk with him and he just isn't 'getting it' I would suggest you make a plan of action. It might seem hopeless just now, but if you sit down and make a list of how you might be able to leave, it will immediately put you in a better position and you will feel stronger. Do you work? Can you rent even a bedsit maybe or stay with a friend for a while? Would it really be so bad going back home? It doesn't have to be forever. Just till you get yourself sorted out. I don't know your situation but there is no harm in really having a good long think about how it might be possible. 

      You are right. You only have one life and you deserve it to be a happy one.

       

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    • Posted

      I'm sorry for what you're going through.  I'm embarrassed to say that my 23 year old son is just like your boyfriend.  Our son was brought up in a loving, intact family with no childhood trauma to speak of.  I've seen him treat all his girlfriends the same way.  He's that way at home too. 

      Your boyfriend  is probably nervous and awkward because of his troubling social skills.  The only way that he can change is if he's goes through enough natural consequences of his unpleasant behavior that it makes him want to change.  If he's getting what he wants, there's no motivation to change.  

      But not everyone can change either.  Your boyfriend may not have enough insight into his effect on other people to recognize that he's got a problem.

      My personal advice - let him go.  But tell him why, so he'll start to understand what people expect from a relationship.

       

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