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What do I do next?

Posted , 8 users are following.

sadtimes
sadtimes

Hi All

so I posted for the first time last night. I wanted to hear what others thought about my husband's drinking. Whether he had a problem or I was going mad. The consensus was that his drinking is a problem.

Right now he is not at home. He left 5 days ago and at the time said it was over, the arguments were too much, he wanted to be able to drink and he couldn't handle the upset. I was heartbroken, he is right things are awful now but knowing how he used to be and having seen how he can be when he stops drinking I am just not ready to give up. After a couple of days to cool off he has been collecting kids from school as I am working. I told him he was right to leave when he did and we need to calm down but that I want us to try and use this as a break to get perspective and work things out without the heat of the moment and the pressure of living together with a view to hopefully getting back together. He agreed tht he didn't want it to be over and we should try some more. But we haven't had a chance for a deep talk about what this means. I am also not keen to talk right now because it feels like that's all we've done recently and it always ends in an argument. However I hate being in limbo and wish I could know what to do for the best... 

He isn't collecting the kids again until Monday so no plans to see him until then. Do I leave it alone and wait for him to text me and just deal with it if he doesn't. Do I ask him if he wants to meet up with kids too, do I try to have a big talk with him now and discuss what we are going to do to deal with this? I really don't know any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you!

0 likes, 17 replies

17 Replies

  • ADEfree
    ADEfree sadtimes

    Posted

    Sadtimes, I'd suggest you review the information on The Sinclair Method. Have a look at this link:

    https://patient.info/forums/discuss/useful-resources-487627

    and look for the section about The Sinclair Method. It reverses the addiction process and your husband will typically drink less and less month by month. That may appeal to him, as he won't have to quit outright (which often doesn't work out in the first place). Eventually, he will become indifferent to alcohol and will have more of a take it or leave it attitude towards drinking. 

    This may "lower the bar" to the point where it makes it easy for him to take steps towards a healthier attitude towards drinking. I used it to cut back my drinking by over 95% and it has stayed at that level for 2 years. It took me about 6 months to reach that point, but it was certainly worth my time and effort. 

    • sadtimes
      sadtimes ADEfree

      Posted

      Thanks for this all.

      I would say this isn't an option. He says he enjoys drinking and so because he wants to he isn't accepting that the problems in his life are either caused or made worse by drink. He isn't accepting that it's a problem so why would he try this? He says he enjoys feeling drunk and the only point of drinking for him is to be drunk. There'should no way he would accept this.

      I'm really glad it's worked for you though.

    • JulieAnne101
      JulieAnne101 sadtimes

      Posted

      Hi sad times

      You can still drink with this method. As a counsellor from c3europe has pointed out the more you drink, the more the meds will extinguish the desire to drink. I know this sounds incredible but it is true. We would not lie to you.x

      I still maintain that your Husband has got to want to do something about his drinking. When he reaches this point whenever that may be (and he will) you will be in a position to give him hope. Please follow the links Ade has sent you. It's not mumbo jumbo. My Husband is living proof. Feel free if you want to PM me, I am here

      Kind Regards

      JulieAnne x

    • sadtimes
      sadtimes JulieAnne101

      Posted

      Thanks Julie Anne, I do believe what Ade is saying, and you. I am just saying that right now he wants to drink and despite all the problems he says he enjoys it. Right now I also don't think he thinks he needs this. I can send him the links though, it's worth a try.

      Thanks

  • JulieAnne101
    JulieAnne101 sadtimes

    Posted

    Hi sadtimes

    Please read through what Ade has said. Agree 100% what he has advised you to do. My Husband is a different man now because of TSM.

    You've just got to convince your husband, as I did mine.

    Regards

    Julie Anne x

  • Robin2015
    Robin2015 sadtimes

    Posted

    're read Adefree and his success sincere 95% less drinking! Amazing for certain! Your husband should try The Sinclair Method 😁

  • Shevardnadze
    Shevardnadze sadtimes

    Posted

    Sadtimes, the Sinclair method certainly does seem amazing and lots if people on here testament to that. However... also agree that he must want to change. I think you can point him in the  right direction but you know what they say about leading a horse to water (bad analogy maybe as it’s about making he horse drink lol!)

    What i would do in your shoes is email or write it all down for him (ie info on sinclair method, addiction services, alcohol dependence) and then he can look at things in his own time without the heat of the conversation. I did this with my husband as he struggles with communicating his feelings and listening to advice. However, ultimately if they don’t want to change, they won’t, not in the long term anyway. 

    I do think that to have him back you need to clearly set out the ground rule that he must have sustained responsible use of alcohol or abstinence, whatever you think is needed for you and your family to be able to function happily BEFORE he comes back. Then it is up to him to make the changes. If he doesn’t, it means he is in deep with his alcohol problem but you have to think of your own happiness and that of your children.

    Most. Frustrating. Thing. Ever. IMO!! 😩 You can see what needs to happen but can’t make the changes yourself.

    Hugs xx

    • sadtimes
      sadtimes Shevardnadze

      Posted

      Thanks so much for this. I feel like you have understood my position/current emotions. 

      I have sent him information about different groups and told him I was just sending him it for him to look at and if he wanted it he'd have it there. He said thank you so tht's something. But he has been drinking all week. On Mon I told him I wanted it to work out but we couldn't do that as things were, he was right to leave and we both needed space. I said I didn't want it to be over though and that if he did too we should use this time to work on our own thoughts and on what we want. He said he didn't want a divorce and he wanted us to be able to work it all out. This week he has basically worked, picked up kids from school, left when I got back and drank. He is avoiding any proper of discussion, though he is sending messages throughout the day. He won't discuss what is happening, what he thinks the plan is, I think partly he just doesn't want to and partly he doesn't know what to say. I have booked a marriage counselling session for us, he said he doesn't want to attend but he messaged me later and asked for the info so maybe he will. 

      He has told me he is drinking tonight, I know he has drank every other night this week, he has recenlty, since only been drinking 1-3 nights aweek, though heavily when he does. So rather than getting better it is getting worse. I read that each relapse it comes back worse, that's how I feel now. Before there was always hope because the thought of losing us was too awful and he realised and owned up to his mistakes and the harm the drink had caused. This time he is doing the opposite. He is doubling down, he is drinking more and he is refusing to properly engage with me maybe because he knows we will have to talk about alcohol at some point if he does. I don't know if he can't face telling me it is over and he has chosen the drink or if he wants to work it out but is struggling to tell the drink it's over if that makes sense... Either way I feel like I am at the end of the road and you are right I have never in my life experienced anything like the pain and frustration and hurt this all makes me feel. 

      Thanks so much again and hugs back. xx

    • Shevardnadze
      Shevardnadze sadtimes

      Posted

      If i were to guess I’d say it’s not that he is avoiding telling you it’s over, it’s more that he doesn’t want to face his problem. Think about how much effort you have put in to reading about options, messaging on this board, maybe telling some friends, thinking about it all, trying to figure out how to help, what to say, when to contact, how to phrase things you say to try to help, setting up the couselling session. How does that weigh up to how much effort he is putting into things? Only you will know the answer.  

      Again I’ll suggest you really have to focus on you, your strength and emotional well being and let him do his thing. It hurts. So much. Write it all out - you’ve told him the practical things but have you written out how you feel and sent it to him? Even if you don’t show him it it can be cathartic to get it written down. Do you have supportive people nearby for YOU? Feel free to PM me i am happy to message. Xx

    • Shevardnadze
      Shevardnadze

      Posted

      Also my husband increased his intake when i asked him to cut back or leave ... felt like a slap in the face! But it’s the alcohol taking hold. Personally i understand all the theory about alcohol use disorder but can’t really understand his drinking behaviour, perhaps because i am so emotionally involved in it all.
  • monique_93857
    monique_93857 sadtimes

    Posted

    Well i must share what drinking does as you can see it breaks homes up marriage up it juat destroys family period i juat lost my sister july 9th due to her drinking it destroyed her liver and kidneys she had gotten so sick on the 8th they sent her straight to the hospital after dialysis her blood pressure bottom out when we got to university hospital the doctor came in and said she had bowel perforation due to the medicine she was taking to keep her ammonia levels down in her body doc said to me your sister is very ill he said you have two options either we can keep her comfortable but 9-10 she would pass by tomorrow or we could put her on the surgery table but 9-10 she wouldn't make it off the table she died that night she chosen surgery she kept saying she wanted to fight for her life because she had 4 children which two are grown and i am raising the two younger ones i took care of my sister until her passing day so you see its hard to make decisions when you love someone you wanna fight for them yes alcoholic people fight to stay alive because they want that next drink even tho it's killing them slowly they dont seem to care my sister always promised to quit but just couldn't day in and day out her body just gave out no matte how much we want them to stop they have to want it and seek help to do it because if they go cold turkey they will die from the withdrawal symptoms well there is my story of my experiences with alcohol i hate it wont touch it but like you and i evryone has that one person in their life that love to drink maybe you should express what you want to him have that talk with him and your children see where it goes if he wants to fight for gis marriage and children he will aeek help if not then you need to move on its only gonna get worse best wishes to you god bless

    • Robin2015
      Robin2015 monique_93857

      Posted

      What a sad story and I assume it was one year ago. We can all learn about the dangers of drinking in your story.
    • JulieAnne101
      JulieAnne101 monique_93857

      Posted

      Hello Monique

      So very sorry you lost your Sister to this dreadful disease

      I am not a dr, but from what I understand, the alcohol over time alters the brain and nervous system. We who are not affected by alcohol in this way find it very difficult to understand why a person will continue to drink, until death sometimes. What I am trying to say in my clumsy way is that it wasn't your Sister's fault. It's not a moral failing, her brain must have been radically altered.

      I am praying that sadtimes Husband with the right guidance will be able to accept help from her and others before too much damage has been done.

      Best wishes to everyone on this forum

      JulieAnne x

    • sadtimes
      sadtimes monique_93857

      Posted

      I am so so sorry for your loss and for your nieces'/ nephews' loss. I have a functioning alcohol dependant husband right now, I hope on hope he we will see what is happening and decide to change before it's too late for us and he ends up as poorly as your sister was. But you are right I think we can't sit around forever and hope things will change. Even if I don't think about myself in this I know I don't want to put my kids through the ups and downs and confusion forever.

      Thanks so much for taking the time to comment and offer advice even whilst going through what you are.

      Take care. X

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