what do I do now

Posted , 3 users are following.

Hi. I am writing here because I am on the edge of despair, not to say living has become really hard. I don't know where to start...

I am 24 and engineer but I have been depressed since my girlfriend left me for an other guy 2 years ago. But that was just the spark that enlightened what was beneath.

I had a family issue from my 14 to 20. My sister was anorexic and it became a family nightmare. My mother couldn't stop shouting at my sister and it worsened everything. Seeing my sister going three times, almost dead, at the hospital affected me so much that I quitted sport and my computer games were my only exit. I was ashamed of all this. My social life stopped; I never lived my life up. I wasted all my teenage and college years... And I'm still doing nothing.

I have always been a shy boy and that never prevented me from having friends, until my 18, when I entered my engineering school. I never went to parties, just sit alone in class, alone at home in front of my computer. My girlfriend was everything I had.

Now I am working a job I don't like much. I don't have friends and I never go out. Everything is so painful. I can't fall asleep at night, I'm feeling anxious and my thoughts never stop. I just feel so tired, bored and depressed 6 days out of 7. I am seeing a therapist but It doesn't help much.

I'm having a really hard time socializing. I always get seen as shy and get comments like "you're silent" "you're discreet" "you barely speak, are you all right?". Out the fact I'm depressed, I think I've always been silent and introvert. But every social situation is anxious for me. Meetings, presentations, playing tennis in front of people... Every single situation is anxiety-provoking. For example, playing a tennis match with a friend makes me nervous and I play bad. Then I'm so frustrated that I can get really really mad at me and life. I can even hit my head against a wall cause I hate what I am. Drinking a glass of water with people makes me tremble.

My love life is a whole fulfilled with nothing. I can't even say hello to a colleague I find attractive. When I like a girl, I act like I ignore her... I avoid contacts.

Besides all that, I can say that I hate myself. I hate my sh*tty past, I hate my geek past, I hate my actual life and I'm not going anywhere. I hate the man I was and I hate the man I am: shy, anxious, depressed, introvert, tired. I have no ambition, nothing. I feel like I will never change, too many things to change. I never look at me at the mirror, I avoid every photo. I'm so insecure about myself I never take action, I stay behind and frustrated (girls, parties, ...). I always finish at home crying like a bitch.

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  • Posted

    It its so hard living every day with depression 

    I feel so frustrated and hate being in my head sometimes 

    I know what your going through its so hard to getting through everyday and yes 6 days out of 7 I'm just so depressed 

    chin up xx

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    • Posted

      Agree its hard I'm depressed alot also but I feel my best when im not sitting alone doing nothing I have to make my self do things like go for a walk sit at the beach I wont take meds as I'm scared what they will do to me but life is here to live if your not trying to do something its so easy to sit in a pit of despair where your feelings take over I know its hard but I always find a way to cope or ill I would go mad just tell your self I'm not gunna let this depression tear me down get up do it go for a walk push your self to make things better if not maybe you could talk to a doctor get meds my best friend is on meds they seem to work for her but as I said I just wont let it beat me just rake a deal breath try to get on with things and try to talk to people try to get your life back no matter how hard it is we must go on xo sorry to hear about you separation but mate there are plenty of people in this world and your perfect match is out there somewhere waiting for you xo
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  • Posted

    Hi Rick,

    You're being really hard on yourself and I can relate to that - I have a very poor self-image. My wife of 20 years left me for another guy and they are happily married now. I've had 5 years to dwell on that but I do have some very happy memories of my married life. However, I try not to dwell in the past (it has been difficult to let go). I rationalise that I would prefer to be on my own than in a relationship with someone who is unhappy. The fact is that you once loved and were loved and you will again. But before anyone can love you, you need to start loving yourself. Don't think of this as an insurmountable obstacle; it's a new habit you need to nurture and you will find a new confidence when you start to let go. We are all different though so only you know the key to unlocking this new confidence. My therapy has taught me a different mindset about others but more importantly about myself. I've spent a lot of time wanting to run away from the person I am, but I've actually started to befriend that person and feel more comfortable. There's plenty of things I still dislike and would change, but I focus instead on the positive aspects, the things I'm good at and the things that other people respond well to. Don't try too hard - just one or two things at a time. But don't beat yourself up if things don't go exactly the way you had planned: life isn't a problem to be solved but a song to be sung and your's is unique. Sorry if that sounds a bit soppy but I believe it to be true. Accept yourself for who you are right now. Then you can work on making changes one at a time that will help you to experience less stress and more peace. There are good things ahead of you :-)

    One other thing: if you are not benefitting from your therapy sessions, change your therapist.

    Good luck buddy. Message me anytime.

    Digsby :-)

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