Posted , 3 users are following.
Hi. I am writing here because I am on the edge of despair, not to say living has become really hard. I don't know where to start...
I am 24 and engineer but I have been depressed since my girlfriend left me for an other guy 2 years ago. But that was just the spark that enlightened what was beneath.
I had a family issue from my 14 to 20. My sister was anorexic and it became a family nightmare. My mother couldn't stop shouting at my sister and it worsened everything. Seeing my sister going three times, almost dead, at the hospital affected me so much that I quitted sport and my computer games were my only exit. I was ashamed of all this. My social life stopped; I never lived my life up. I wasted all my teenage and college years... And I'm still doing nothing.
I have always been a shy boy and that never prevented me from having friends, until my 18, when I entered my engineering school. I never went to parties, just sit alone in class, alone at home in front of my computer. My girlfriend was everything I had.
Now I am working a job I don't like much. I don't have friends and I never go out. Everything is so painful. I can't fall asleep at night, I'm feeling anxious and my thoughts never stop. I just feel so tired, bored and depressed 6 days out of 7. I am seeing a therapist but It doesn't help much.
I'm having a really hard time socializing. I always get seen as shy and get comments like "you're silent" "you're discreet" "you barely speak, are you all right?". Out the fact I'm depressed, I think I've always been silent and introvert. But every social situation is anxious for me. Meetings, presentations, playing tennis in front of people... Every single situation is anxiety-provoking. For example, playing a tennis match with a friend makes me nervous and I play bad. Then I'm so frustrated that I can get really really mad at me and life. I can even hit my head against a wall cause I hate what I am. Drinking a glass of water with people makes me tremble.
My love life is a whole fulfilled with nothing. I can't even say hello to a colleague I find attractive. When I like a girl, I act like I ignore her... I avoid contacts.
Besides all that, I can say that I hate myself. I hate my sh*tty past, I hate my geek past, I hate my actual life and I'm not going anywhere. I hate the man I was and I hate the man I am: shy, anxious, depressed, introvert, tired. I have no ambition, nothing. I feel like I will never change, too many things to change. I never look at me at the mirror, I avoid every photo. I'm so insecure about myself I never take action, I stay behind and frustrated (girls, parties, ...). I always finish at home crying like a bitch.
1 like, 4 replies