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I know I have asked for advice a lot recently but I seem to be in thick of the crisis point for my marriage and things are changing and moving quickly and I am struggling to know what to do.
Firstly as an update. Th past week has been horrible and sad. Starting with a couples counselling session where hub lied openly in front of me about how much he drinks to the counsellor, said he loved me but also felt "i can't do this anymore", described relying on drink to help with stress and to stop him feeling but denied having any kind of problem and continued to blame me for everything because in the past I have asked him to leave the house (not saying I wanted a divorce but needing to calm the situation, try to shock him into action or knowing we needed a break before trying to sort tings out). The counsellor asked him what he wants right now in the present, he said to be completely on his own away from everyone, to be able todrink without repercussions and to be away from our home town. He asked him what the perfect outcome of the marriage counselling would be, he said for him to come home, be able to drink responsibly and for us to be happy together as a family again. He asked what life looks like without me in it, he couldn't answer, he just said he didn't know or he hadn't thought about it. Then he said that it would never happen becaue I will always be in his life because we have the kids. I tried to explain how things are when we are married but living apart is not how things will be if we separate properly, I will not be there for him in the way I am now. In the end he agreed to have counselling alone for a while before going back together and made an appointment for yesterday.
Since then I have been on an emotional rollercoaster, he has repeatedly said he loves me and loves the kids, he has repeatedly messaged me randomly things that are trivial and conversational and just feel like he wanted to keep contact, he has held my hand and hugged me and now, on Mon eve, he has told me it is over, that he wasn't going to counselling, he wasn't going to try and that this was it. I asked him what he was going to do, he has no idea. He has no plan of where to live (he is staying on drinking buddies' couches) he has no plan to collect his things, he intends to continue to come to our house to have the kids, he has no plan for dealing with finances and he has still not dealt with the police issue I have mentioned in previous posts. He also felt that we would stay in contact as friends, saying "we're best friends, we know eachother better than anyone else in the world." I told him that if he was walking away and saying this wasn't a break, this wasn't us trying to work things out then I would have to walk away completely. I told him I am not his friend I'm his wife, seeing him hurt himself and having to watch him keep leaving us is killing me, him sending chaatty friendly messages and saying he loves me is killing me, I can't deal with being around him if this is it and we are over. I told him if he wants help and he wants to heal then I am here for him, I told him I love him, I want him to be ok and want us to be together again one day when these things are resolved but that if he doesn't want those things too I have to move on somehow and rebuild my life without him and the continuous contact is hurting me and confusing me and preventing me from being able to cope with this heartbreak.
I just don't know what the right thing to do any more is. I can't believe he is able to shut down and walk away from all we had like this, I can't believe he even understands the enormity of what he is doing because he clearly hasn't thought about how his life will be without me, or even realised that ending our marriage will mean that he does lose me. It feels so difficult to accept because he can't give explanations, he can't elaborate, he can't have a conversation, he isn't processing emotions, he doesn't seem to be dealing with reality and I feel like I am talking to a stranger. He has drank, a lot, every day he has been gone and I am very worried about him.
In essence I would love to hear from drinkers or ex-drinkers, what is your opinion on what he is doing and why? What could your spouse have done to help in this situation? What is the best thing for me to do now? I want to be sure he is ok without allowing him to rely on me without committing to our relationship, I want him to heal because he is a very good man underneath all of this and because he is the father of my children and I want their relationship to be ok and ultimately I want to do the best thing to make sure he knows I still love him and want him and will be here without judgment if he needs me but also to protect myself from feeling used, disrespected and living with potentially false hope.
I would be really grateful if you could offer some words of advice because I am just at such a loss, and if the best thing I can do now is to move on and to try to live without him then I need to clarify this in my head and deal with the grief and pain of losing my soul mate, best friend and other half.
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