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What is wrong with me?

Posted , 3 users are following.

carl1219
carl1219

Ok apologies for the typos im on my phone....

So heres the deal folks, im not gonna sit here and say a trauma has lead to this point but it hasnt it seems a running list of problems has brought me to this point.

So what point am i at, honestly i dont know my head from my backside. Let me explain,

Im a gay guy with accepting parents, a partner dogs cats the lot. Im a comedian and singer by profession.. sounds dreamy to now right.

Let me tell you i have never felt so alone. I feel nobody understands me. I try and try to do everything but i feel everything i do is pointless. A few years back i was diagnosed hiv, it wrecked my head for a while but i fought it. Since then ive had major infacections from lowered immune system. Escaped amputation of a limb fought to be great at my job but i still feel worthless, im not looking for my back or ego scratching but whats the point. I wake everyday and im literally haunted by a feeling that i dont want to carry on anymore. Not a day passes. I dont know why and i feel nobody can tell me why so why fight it. I feel nobody understands me anymore. My mood goes from high to very low in seconds calm to wound up so tight i could eplode.

To b honest i have been using marijuana to numb my senses of it all and whilst i know its loke adding fuel to the fire, its a temporary fix.

The number of times i sit thinking and pondering death and the worse part is id be to scared to do it,

I feel im stuck between a rock and a hard place and i cant bare it anymore. Im not asking for a cure there isnt one. Just am i the only one like this

1 like, 12 replies

12 Replies

  • mari34228
    mari34228 carl1219

    Posted

    Hi Carl, it sounds to me like you are very depressed and anxious. I suffer from this also. At the moment I have so many things going in my life that I am just not coping anymore. My moods can swing in a heartbeat also, and it is absolute hell. 

    I can relate to your sentiment of being stuck between two evils. I too have sat and thought about ways in which I could kill myself. But not because I really want to die. I don't. It's just that life can become so unbearable at times that I feel what else can I do? It all seems too much effort and torture to keep going.  

    I am on anti-depressants at the moment and awaiting counselling. I know it isn't going to be easy and will take time, but I hope to one day not feel like this. Have you talked to anyone about how you are feeling? If not I would really recommend you speak to a doctor. These feelings vary rarely, if ever, go away on their own. But you can get help to work through them.

    You have obviously been through alot emotionally and physically and this is bound to take it's toll on your mental health. It's good you have loving people around you and if they don't really understand then maybe you could get them all together to explain how much you are struggling and that you need their help and support. If that is too much to think about right now, then please at least speak to a doctor.

    And if you can, knock the marijuana on the head. It may help you relax but it will also be messing with your brain further!

     

  • lorraine52317
    lorraine52317 carl1219

    Posted

    Hi Carl

    bless you, you are dealing with an awful lot. You didn't mention if you were taking any kind of antidepressants, but I get the feeling your not. It is very likely that you are suffering with severe anxiety/depression. Your mood and health is affected badly when depression strikes. It's imperative with your current medical condition that you don't ignore it. You need your brain and body to be as healthy as possible, to avoid anything impacting on your immune system. I know you are trying to mask your feelings by using weed, but this will make you more mentally fragile in the long run and will impact on your ability to be kind to yourself. The feelings you are having regarding pondering death is certainly depression and I really hope you are going to get treatment for this, to enable you to feel better and equipped to properly look after your health. I relate to your statement in pondering death but fearful to do it...that is what depression does, it also plays havoc on your overall health.

    If you are taking antidepressants, please get a meds review as you deserve your sunshine back. Your medical condition needs looking after properly, for you to have a long happy and healthy life. Are you remembering your meds?

    Really wish you well Carl, start your plan of action today.....call your gp for appointment. Be honest with him/her how you are feeling.

    god bless ♥♥♥

    • georgeGG
      georgeGG lorraine52317

      Posted

      Yes, very important to be honest and candid with the doctors and nurses. Depression is nothing to be ashamed about nor the feelings the it gives you.
  • georgeGG
    georgeGG carl1219

    Posted

    Hi Carl, 

    A few months ago I got more and more down. Eventually I asked my doctor for help. At first the doctor thought is was marital problems. That wasted time and I continued to get worse. I got onto the waiting list for psychiatric help. After a further three months I had become dangerously suicidal. I was diagnosed with severe depression. I was put on a Talking Therapy course and also antidepressants with very good results.

    I give you my history as yours has much in common. You may wish to get checked for depression. It is an ailment just as coughs and colds are. Treatment in good time can make all the difference. It might have come too late for for me. Happily not.

    Wishing you all the best.

  • carl1219
    carl1219

    Posted

    Hey. I started meds for the hiv about a year ago but having difficulties as literaly 2 days ago i noticed i hadent digested one of the tablets. My bloods literally are all over the place. Nothing dangerous but they wont level those who are familiar.

    Im not taking anti depressants cos ive literally bottled this up for well over a year.

    My weight has also shifted from 115kg to 80 but that has settled now..

    Last night i sat with my partner a blurted the lot out.. it flowed out of my mouth like never before. Spent hours crying and talking and after all that. I still dont feel understood. The on person i want to turn around to me and say i get it ya not on your own. The weird thing i was talking so fast and blurting so much, my partner was having trouble keeping up. it was like i was speaking 3 conversations at the same time mixing them up and making little sense. I got so much i need to say but cant even string a sentence together or i can forget my point altogether.

    I am due to get my regular blood review in the next couple of days so when i go i will speak to my specialist.

    • mari34228
      mari34228 carl1219

      Posted

      Carl I had the same problem trying to get my thoughts and feelings over to my GP. There was so much in my head I would forget things, get mixed up, try to explain one thing then remember about something else and it would just come out a complete muddle. In the end I eventually took her advice and wrote absolutely everything down. Some things were recent, others had been going round in my head since childhood. It can be hard to know where to start, but giving her a list (well more of an essay!) to read helped her understand a bit more, as I wasn't just sitting there twittering and getting in a mess. 

      I think this would be helpful for you to do, as giving your partner (and doctor) something in black and white can be more effective than trying to keep up with a rapid and random flow of thoughts and feelings!

      Don't give up and try not to despair. You will find a way through this. xx

    • carl1219
      carl1219 mari34228

      Posted

      The simplest thing mari and it makes sense. I know this may sound shallow or stupid but there is a little relief that someone gets it. Its like 1000 problems in my head all mixed up. I need to unscramble and tackle but i feel exhausted and thats where the why bother part kicks in its a vicious cycle
    • mari34228
      mari34228 carl1219

      Posted

      Hi Carl, it's not stupid or shallow. It's horrible when you imagine you are alone in the way you feel. But actually how we feel is pretty 'normal'! That's why I've found sites like these so helpful as you gradually begin to see that other people feel the same way or similar. So I'm glad you have felt a little relief from this.

      I know it's not easy though and it's still a daily battle with yourself, whether someone understands or not. That's why I think you need to speak to a professional asap to get the 'help ball' rolling. I felt too exhausted to sit and type out everything I feel and worry about. It seemed like a huge mental mountain to climb and my mind was already completely fatigued. However once I was basically told by my GP to do it, I actually found it very helpful. When I thought of something I wrote it down. Once it was down, I didn't have to think about it again. I could then write another thought down. It took me about a week but once I felt I had remembered everything that usually spun round in my mind, then it was there in black and white and couldn't be forgotten or muddled up.

      Like I said before, I pretty much wrote an essay rather than a list. But do whatever you need to do for you. Just start writing. Sitting down and putting the first point down is the hardest bit. But then you will think of something else and put that down. Before you know it you will have your list and you can use it to begin to move forward. xx

    • lorraine52317
      lorraine52317 carl1219

      Posted

      Hi Carl

      it's a great thing you did by letting your partner know how you are feeling. I really hope you keep on top of your meds, it's important you keep yourself healthy, this can be a tall order when you feel mentally exhausted. Is your weight loss due to you not eating properly or your current illness? Some people eat a lot when they feel down, others (like me) can't eat a bite when down. I am not trying to push antidepressants on you, but they have been a great help to me. Just want you to consider all options in getting yourself better. Please keep in touch and i hope your blood review is a good one. A friend of mine was diagnosed over ten years ago, her hiv status is now undetectable. This I hope and pray will be the same for you, hence the reason whilst I hope you take med regularly and also look after your mental health. Our brains can play havoc on our bodies and our physical health.

      god bless ♥♥

      oh yes....less of the whacky baccy! (Preferably none lol)

  • carl1219
    carl1219

    Posted

    Well as you noticed i have taken a few days out. Couple of days ago i had a huge argument with my partner, i exploded i screamed i yelled my temples were hurting my bp was that high, it last hours i got every bit of anger pent up frustration everything i screamed into the matress. Did everything i could to exhert every bit of last energy i had to the point i was shaking i was that exhausted from it all. After that how i dunno but my chap gave me a hug like i have never felt before. Told me one thing that has given me hope. Since my last post not a single puff has passed my lips (pardon the punn) of a joint, i had a couple of really bad days, sweating vomitting dizzyness mood swings. today i woke up, the first time ever (again excuse the punn of my situation) feeling positive. Let me explain, thats the 1st time in 2 years ive woke up in a kick ass mood. So 7am i was awake as opposed to 3pm... up to the hospital for my HIV blood test which i know will not be great due to the complications with my meds rolleyes but spoke to my doc and she is changing my meds after this test so all good there. Then came home and ya i got a craving for a joint, started feeling edgy so took the dogs for a huge walk along the beach. Now im sitting chilled out thinking yeah a week ago i started here looking for help 5 days ago, i know quick as sand i could be back down there but this time i know theres a way forward, i couldnt have said that. I kniw i have a long journey and i can honestly say anyone that has read any of this and can relate try this.

    START HERE- Write a post i did... my best move yet!

    STOP WEED - 5 days im off it with horrible effects but after today. Never again. Its a beautiful world why blur it

    DROP THE WALLS- be honest how your feeling or thinking,, everything, write it record it anything, JUST SHARE IT.. REALLY YOU ARE NOT ALONE. conversation can start with a whisper!

    IF YOU NEED TO EXPLODE DO IT. But keep it controlled, do it until you cant move, til your muscles ache. Seriously the release is unreal and i guarentee the feeling afterwards is not sadness but you will feel such a release you will cry!! I did

    SHARE, LOVE, LOOK FORWARD. WHETHER LIFE IS A GIFT OR A CHANCE ITS HERE, IM HERE FOR A REASON AND SO ARE YOU.

    Thank you all for starting the journey and potentially saving my life x

    • lorraine52317
      lorraine52317 carl1219

      Posted

      What a beautiful post Carl ♥

      So pleased your off the smoke! That takes a lot of courage and commitment. It sound like you have a caring partner who is of great support to you. Now promise yourself you will take your meds every day and get your bloods looking great! If you get time let us know how you are doing.

      Loved your post! Inspirational and valuable ♥

      God bless ♥♥

    • mari34228
      mari34228 carl1219

      Posted

      Fabulous! I'm so pleased about your partner. That was probably the best thing for you to let it all out!

      Glad you are off the weed biggrin

      So good to read your positivity. Hope everything works out for you.

      Take care, Mari xx

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