What is wrong with me?

Posted , 4 users are following.

Symptoms detail:

Extreme Depression, Suicidal Ideation, Problems with Speech, Lack of Motivation, Loss of Appetite, Weight Loss/Gain, Constipation and Diarrhea, Helplessness, Hopelessness, Anxiety Attacks, Panic Attacks, Racing/Intrusive Thoughts, Memory Loss, Contradicting or False Memories, Difficulty Sleeping and/or Regulating Sleep Schedule, Often wake up covered in Sweat, Joint and Muscle Pain(neck, back, shoulders, hands, knees), Ringing in Ears, Itching Sensation in Hands Feet and Face, Paranoia, Aggression, Angry Outbursts, Headaches when Stressed, Swimming Lights in Peripheral View, Fear of Public/Crowds, Feeling Numb or Empty, Delusions of Grandeur, Vivid Dreams, Self-Hate, Self-Deprecation, Desire to Self-Harm/Desire to Bleed, Inability to Forgive myself for Mistakes, Blame myself for things out of my control, High Tolerance for Physical Pain.

Please read this portion completely:

At times I will self Medicate with Marijuana, which has been the only substance which has helped the stress, anxiety, fear/paranoia, depression, joint/muscle pains, and sleep troubles. Its prevented me from self-harming or attempting suicide on countless occasions. However I have recently experienced what I can only refer to as seizures when I hold my breath during Marijuana use.

The second experience I had with this was about 2009(19 or 20 years old). At the time I was not using Marijuana- However I experienced a sudden Loss of Consciousness and fell back. I was shaken awake by others around me, only about 10 or 15 seconds after I lost consciousness. They claimed my eyes were open at the time, and that I was shaking slightly. As I came to, I was in a cold sweat, and had trouble catching my breath. Around this year, my depression symptoms skyrocketed, primarily experiencing mental symptoms.

The only time I can recall something like this happening was, If I can remember correctly, about 1999(11 or 12 years old). My paternal grandmother was in the hospital and my family and I were visiting. I went into the bathroom and suddenly my eyes went black, and I fainted for only 10 or 15 seconds. I woke up in a cold sweat, but was fine afterwards.

As for the most recent experiences, there have been several, but not every time I use Marijuana. Upon breathing the smoke out, My eyes will go black, however I am conscious. I experience visual hallucinations, and my entire body begins to shake, something to the rhythm of a heartbeat. I feel my muscles jerking as I collapse to the floor and lose any control of my body- this lasts no more than 10 or 20 seconds. When the shaking stops and I regain control of my body, I often have to breathe deeply to regain mental clarity. In the last 2 to 3 years, my mental symptoms are gradually worsening, and are now coupled with the physical symptoms I listed above.

This has been the only thing I haven't told any doctor I have met with regarding my mental issues, simply because I am afraid they will write me off due to the substance use and I will not get the help I need. That being said, any attempt to acquire help has resulted in no improvement of the symptoms listed above.

Lastly, The medications I will list below, I have recently stopped taking, for they simply exacerbated my depression and suicidal Ideation. I took these medications as prescribed for 4 months, and in the last 2 months, have slowly weened myself off of them. I am no longer taking any of this medication, although feel it is still important to mention.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Current medications:

Depakote 500mg 2 times daily for Anxiety, Depression, etc

Seroquel 300mg 1 time daily for Trouble Sleeping

Prozac 40mg 1 time daily for Anxiety, Depression, etc

Propranolol 20mg 1 time daily for Regulate mood and heart rate

Eyes or vision

I can only describe this as a swimming light that travels in my outer peripherals. It will swim from top to bottom(or vice versa) and disappear.

Head or neck

Tension headaches, and stiffness in neck and shoulders

Abdominal or digestion

My diet is fairly healthy, although I still experience constipation and diarrhea, along with lower abdominal cramps.

Joint or muscular

When lying down to sleep, I will experience intense aching in my elbows and knees, causing me to toss and turn for hours. Movement seems to subside the pain, yet trying to remain still seems to worsen it.

I have aching in my neck, shoulders, hands, upper and lower back. It is difficult to bend down or perform simple tasks like cooking and cleaning without experiencing this pain

Skin or hair

Itching sensation in hands, feet, and face that can't be satisfied with scratching

Personal medical history:

Growing up i would get double Ear Infections as often as once a year, Speech Impediment- needed to take specific classes to help, also had surgery on my sinuses, I believe, but I don't remember what for as I was very young.

Family medical history:

Diabetes, Asthma

Personal lifestyle:

From the years 2009 to 2014, I used many drugs to combat the sudden growth of my depression.

Dextramorophine, MDMA/Ecstasy, 'Herbal Incense' or 'Spice', Ketamine, and Alcohol.

From Dec. of 2014 to Jan. of 2015, I spent 47 days in a Drug Rehabilitation Center, and remained sober up until 2017, where I experienced another extreme spike in my stress and depression. For the last 2 years, I have only used Marijuana to help me sleep or to reduce stress when needed.

Up until April of this year(2019), experiencing yet another spike in my stress and depression, I was able to exercise frequently, have a relatively normal social life, stick to a healthy diet, sleep at least 6 hours nightly, maintain a full time job, and maintain a clean house. Over the last 5 months, I have experienced a complete loss in control of my life. I have pushed away any friends I had, I lost my job, I barely eat or cook, dishes will mold from the food left on them before I clean them, I have no clean clothes, I can barely remember to bring the trash cans to the curb.

Occasional Caffeine consumption, Occasional Nicotine consumption

I have not been consistent enough with any doctors to have a real professional understanding of what is wrong.

Secondary or partial diagnoses:

Major Depressive Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder

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6 Replies

  • Posted


    I understand your struggle. I was hospitalized twice this year for psychiatric reasons. I have been diagnosed with anxiety and major depression. I take several psychiatric medications plus medication for high blood pressure, pulse, cholesterol and for heart disease. I currently see a psychiatrist and a psychologist. And, I have just completed about two months of intensive outpatient therapy (I had to stop because my medical insurance will only for so many sessions).

    I am still employed part time at my church doing their accounting and doing custodial work. I still have family and friends who pray for me and are concerned about my welfare. Yet, it's a challenge in sharing any emotional pain. I want to have a positive report to give them. I have felt better but there is a long way to go. Also, in dealing with sensitive psychological issues, I break out in a cold sweat.

    I will pray for your situation.

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  • Posted

    Hi Michael thank you for sharing, how are you feeling today? Any better, worse?

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    • Posted

      Not much difference, I'm afraid. A lot of my symptoms, I experience everyday. I'm getting 4 hours of sleep or less a day and my body has little to no energy. My brain, however, has an excessive amounts of energy, and needs something to focus on, lest i fall into negative thinking. Prayer and Meditation has become increasingly difficult- silence and stillness is painful and full of tension, where is once was soothing and healing.

      Otherwise, my financial situation has not changed, though I do have support in terms of food stamps and rent. I'm building the willpower to begin writing again, and although time spent creatively is not a waste, it won't help me become financially independent again.

      I fear the worst in terms of finding work, and my last attempt resulted in a panic attack and an aggressive outburst against the potential employer. I'm sure I can eventually land a job if i tried hard enough, yet i have barely enough energy to care for myself, let alone spare the energy to care for a job. I've already admitted defeat to myself, and know i wont last long enough to sustain myself in any position I'm 'qualified' for. Ive had dozens of high stress service jobs that have only caused further turmoil for me- which begets frivolous spending on needless things to cope. I've experienced my worth being abused on so many occasions that I don't trust any available work...

      Forgive me, I'm rambling.

      Thank you for your response.

      I'm searching for the next step to take that won't eventually circle back to unemployment and a depressed emotional state.

      It's solely my fault that I'm this predicament, and i wish i could think or act my way into a better life- but all attempts at doing so have resulted in failure and self-loathing. I've followed many guidelines, read plenty of books, changed multiple habits, and still there is always an unpreventable depressive episode, coupled with the unreasonable amount of symptoms I've listed. There is undeniably a medical factor that has not been recognized by the doctors I have seen.

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  • Posted

    Last night I experienced another fainting/seizure episode.

    I believe it was set off by an anxiety or panic attack. I have been over-emotional these last few days, easily crying or getting frustrated. I was watching a medical show on TV and during a scene with doctors operating on a patient- I began to feel flush and very dizzy. I got up to go outside for some air and My eyes blacked out. I came to some seconds after and was on my knees with my body pressing up against the door. I was shaking slightly, and immediately broke out into a sweat. I tried catching my breath, and I attempted to stand up and I fainted again, waking up again on my knees. I managed to catch my breath after coming to the second time and reached my bed to lie down, and slept for 6 hours. I still feel extremely lethargic despite getting more sleep than normal.

    In the morning, same day, I also had a rather difficult experience- I rode on my bicycle to the store to get a couple gallons of water, and had almost been hit by a car. This caused very extreme anxiety, anger, fear, and irrational thinking. My stomach reacted as well, almost getting sick.

    A few things I failed to mention before:

    I have been experiencing dizzy spells for a while now. As well as excessive ear wax build up in my left ear. My appetite is currently increasing, to the point that I'm over-eating

    I've also tried increasing my fiber intake, but I have still been unable to produce solid BM's

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