What is wrong with me?
Posted , 4 users are following.
Ever since I was 12 I started to feel symptoms of depression. At the time it was the early 2000s and all I hear from my parents and "friends" was that I was being sad for attention. It got to the point I couldn't get out of bed, stopped going to school, and up until I was 17 I was in our of mental facilities every couple of months due to suicide attempts. One of my stays was at a adult facility and after seeing how patients were treated there I told myself either I have to make sure I die at my next attempt or stop trying so I don't get locked up for good.
I buried my symptoms and for the past ten years I have been running to keep ahead of my depression. Some days and months I can forget that I have depression but it's never far away. It always comes back and then I'm running trying to get away but no matter how far or how hard I run I can't get away.
I have a partner and two wonderful pups who rely on me and I feel that I am letting them down. It's not their fault but I can't help but feel that I hate living. I haven't been happy for as long as I can remember and my partner is starting to feel like it's their fault and I feel like such a terrible person.
Why can't I be happy? Why do I have to feel like every year that goes by drags on for a century? I can't keep it up and I have no one to help me. Everyone just wants to tell me to be happy at least I have a place to live and I'm not starving. Everyone wants to ask me why and I have no answer. I want to be alone not because I don't love the people around me but I can't deal with them reminding me how much I make everyone around me suffer because of my depression. I'm a horrible person because of my depression but when I pretend that everything is fine everyone loves me and that feels so great... but my depressive break downs get worse and worse.
I just want this torment to end. It's been so long and I'm so tired.
0 likes, 1 reply
sam18386 DeedraWells
Posted
hi deedra, depression is an illness, it doesn't happen to people because of doing anything horrible, it doesn't happen because you have done anything wrong, it happens because...... you need support to get you through, some people try medication and some people don't believe in it. you could talk to people, you could ask for counselling, you could speak to your doctor about medicine. do what is right for you. if you feel you need help, that doesn't mean you've given in, it means you have finally thought i have had enough! you have done the hardest thing, you have asked for help initially!