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What's wrong with me?

Posted , 2 users are following.

victoria41
victoria41

I am a 22 year old female. I have suffered with self harming for years, anything sharp to cut me to burning myself with the iron or straightners I don't know why it jut makes me feel better.

I have had a very tough year, did some horrible things. Had an affair to make me feel better about myself, it turned to disaster, when it all came out I had hate mail, people tryin to break into my house, glasses smashed at me at work. I lost everything through every fault of my own. People wrote horrible things to my work making me loose my job a week before Christmas and my home.

I have suffered from very bad mood swings all my life but now they are taking over, one day I will be in the best mood ever and want to do irratic things like work abroad and the next I am so down I think about suicide. I am pushing my family away but not intentionally. It's got to a point where my own mom is afraid to talk to me because she doesn't know how I will react, wether I will be nice or completely flip out. My family are giving up on me slowly unless I seek some help. There is no reasons for my moods and to why I can be such a horrible person an want to end it all.

I am petrified to speak to a doctor, how are you suppose to tell them you don't know what's wrong with you. I feel embarrassed. I have huge barriers up from everyone and everyone thinks I am a lovely bubbly person but a smile can hide everything.

I need help or advice to help me not lose my family and to try and come to terms what's wrong with me

Any advice is welcone

0 likes, 5 replies

5 Replies

  • Gerry_the_neck
    Gerry_the_neck

    Posted

    Hi

    You should speak to your doctor about all this. You've already taken the first step of recognising your problem, posting about your feelings here. Your GP is the gateway to any help you may need to deal with the problem. No need to be embarrassed because you can't put a name on it....that's quite common and your GP will understand. The important thing is that you know that your problem needs attention, and sometimes its impossible to sort it out alone. The more you are able to express what is happening, the more you will find that people will respond helpfully.

  • Michael89
    Michael89

    Posted

    I'm not 1 for giving advice on here as i can't seem to sort my own problems out. I'd hate to say the wrong thing and impact your mood for the worst. I know how even the simple things affect us in greater ways. But i'll do my best.

    First of all, you do know whats wrong. You already said it. Your depressed. Self harm, mood swings, etc. They're a form of depression. I'm 24 and i've had depression all my life. I've had a bad life. Enough to leave alot of emotional and mental scars. But honestly, i don't know why i'm like this either. I had similar feelings in the past that you do now. Self harm and anger was for me punching and headering solid objects like walls. Or leaving marks on my skin like my back and arms from self inflicted whip marks from a wire. It's from my experience, a way to feel. I liked hurting myself. Putting myself in danger too. Inorder to cope. But i changed about 5-6 years ago. It was a choice i made. Still suffering serious depression, but i don't harm myself anymore. Don't like it.

  • Michael89
    Michael89

    Posted

    Taking my own life though is getting stronger. You could say its another thing i'm trying to change. Although its always on my mind. I've felt like an emotion-less shell for a couple of years. I know how you feel and i'd hate people feeling the same way that i do. Its easy for people to overlook someone in need. But you really do need to reach out. Your not alone Victoria.

    Gerry is right. The 1st step was coming here. Now its time to see your GP. Get the help you deserve.

    Your holding on to your mistakes with a firm grip. I don't condone what you did. But it is the past. I've made alot of mistakes in my life and i've suffered greatly for them. I still suffer. Seems like you have too. Whether or not others forgive you for it is irrelevant right now. You have to forgive yourself. We live and we learn. We all make mistakes. So give yourself a break ok. Your only 22. Your still learning. As am i.

    Speak to your doctor about your mood swings and self haming. I know it didn't originate from what happened...

  • Michael89
    Michael89

    Posted

    ... but that hasn't helped. He will likely give you advice and direct you to a place that can help. I actually have my 1st appointment with a specialist on friday. Pretty nervous.

    1 last paragraph regarding your family. If you push them away, there isn't much they can do. My family have let me down the majority of my life. I don't trust any of them enough to be completely open with them. But my Mum confronted me about my depression herself. She was scared. So i told her. She understood. You've no idea how surprised and relieved i was. Its been a help to open up. I have family who have taken they're own lives through depression. Its been tough for her. As much as me. She might lose her son. If you have any family you trust, do yourself a favour and open up. It helps. It won't be easy. But we both know living with depression isn't easy either. We are much stronger than we let ourselves believe.

    I'm sorry i rambled on this much. Id honestly like to help you and others deal with depression. I know how it feels.

  • Michael89
    Michael89

    Posted

    Its agony. Waking up in the morning and feeling like this. Going to bed feeling like this. Wouldn't wish it on anyone. You deserve to be happy. So make sure you see your GP and get the help you deserve.

    If you ever feel like things are getting a bit much and you feel you can't cope or go on. Please contact a family member and/or a professional before doing anything drastic. If you feel you can't then come here for help and/or advise. Theres alot of nice people here who are happy to help. Or if you want you can message me on here. I'm no professional. But i am a sufferer. I know how you feel.

    I wish you all the best Victoria. Take care of yourself.

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