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So, thus morning i started a discussion asking if i should go hang out with my friend i haven't seen in a while after i told him i'm suffering from depression. Two other members of the forum told me that i should go see him, so i told myself i would. Instead i spent the day sleeping and woke up around 4 PM, and never contacted my friend. Because i was feeling worse than i was in the morning i decided it would be best to go out for a walk and try to get some fresh hair. Coincidently i ran into my friend walking his dog and he invited me along to go on a walk with him. Knowing i wasn't in the mood i said yes because i didn't want to sound like an a**. As we're walking i could tell that he was trying to communicate with me and ask me what's going on and the only three words i could make leave my mouth were "yes, maybe, and no." After about an hour he decides that he's going to go back home and asks me "Are you sure there isn't anything you want to talk about?" and i said no. I really did want to talk to him but honestly i can't even explain what or why i'm feeling. After we went our seperate ways i felt a deep disgusted feeling in my gut, and i just started thinking about killing myself. I honestly don't see a point if i'm always going to feel this way. I'm on my 3 round of medication and i do not feel any better. I'm sick of waking up every day and the first thing on my mind is "is today the day i'm going to do it." I've lost all interest in things i used to love to do, like go to them gym, watch movies, being around friends and school. On the topic of school last week i dropped out of all my post secondary courses because i honestly don't think i can do it, and it's another thing over my head because i haven't told my parents that i did it. Everything is just eating at me and me not being able to express myself or even know whats wrong hurts. I know that killing myself won't give me any relief, because i have to be alive to feel relief. But if feeling like there's nothing out there for me to enjoy or feel good about, is there really any point to living?
I'm fighting a battle i know i won't win. I've tried everything i could think of and there's no improvement. Is this it for me?
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