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What's wrong with me?

Posted , 5 users are following.

JaredC
JaredC

So, thus morning i started a discussion asking if i should go hang out with my friend i haven't seen in a while after i told him i'm suffering from depression. Two other members of the forum told me that i should go see him, so i told myself i would. Instead i spent the day sleeping and woke up around 4 PM, and never contacted my friend. Because i was feeling worse than i was in the morning i decided it would be best to go out for a walk and try to get some fresh hair. Coincidently i ran into my friend walking his dog and he invited me along to go on a walk with him. Knowing i wasn't in the mood i said yes because i didn't want to sound like an a**. As we're walking i could tell that he was trying to communicate with me and ask me what's going on and the only three words i could make leave my mouth were "yes, maybe, and no." After about an hour he decides that he's going to go back home and asks me "Are you sure there isn't anything you want to talk about?" and i said no. I really did want to talk to him but honestly i can't even explain what or why i'm feeling. After we went our seperate ways i felt a deep disgusted feeling in my gut, and i just started thinking about killing myself. I honestly don't see a point if i'm always going to feel this way. I'm on my 3 round of medication and i do not feel any better. I'm sick of waking up every day and the first thing on my mind is "is today the day i'm going to do it." I've lost all interest in things i used to love to do, like go to them gym, watch movies, being around friends and school. On the topic of school last week i dropped out of all my post secondary courses because i honestly don't think i can do it, and it's another thing over my head because i haven't told my parents that i did it. Everything is just eating at me and me not being able to express myself or even know whats wrong hurts. I know that killing myself won't give me any relief, because i have to be alive to feel relief. But if feeling like there's nothing out there for me to enjoy or feel good about, is there really any point to living?

I'm fighting a battle i know i won't win. I've tried everything i could think of and there's no improvement. Is this it for me?

1 like, 9 replies

9 Replies

  • linda66990
    linda66990 JaredC

    Posted

    I suffered from depression when I was young, started at age 16.  It will go away.  Life is important.  Use your senses, smell the flowers, see the beauty in nature, feel your skin, taste good food. Don't take your youth or health for granted.  Tell your parents you need help to find a counselor. You are here for a reason.  
  • AbbyJ
    AbbyJ JaredC

    Posted

    You got up. You went outside. That's more than I did today! Focus on the little successes and not the big picture. It's too overwhelming. You got yourself up and out. That's awesome.
    • orange12933
      orange12933 AbbyJ

      Posted

      Exactly. Take some little steps each day, hold your head high and be proud of who you are!
    • JaredC
      JaredC orange12933

      Posted

      Taking little steps always feels like i'm taking 3 bigger steps backwards. whats the point?
  • AbbyJ
    AbbyJ JaredC

    Posted

    Sometimes it does.

    The point is to try to feel better. It's a long life and it feels unbearable. Find one reason. One. And keep looking at it. The reason could be a parent, friend, sibling, pet, plant, dream, anything. Hold it tight.

  • fee25
    fee25 JaredC

    Posted

    Jared, you sound exactly like me. I am older than you (21) but, my word - everything you said I have felt and still feel. 

    It's incredible you managed to go out and actually take a walk, it sounds silly because yes, for a lot of people that isn't a 'big step' but, for us, for people suffering with depression that is incredibly difficult. Give yourself the credit that you deserve. There has been so many times that I have agreed to meet friends (time and place) and not been able to show or message them because I spent all night worrying then passed out and didn't wake up or couldn't face looking at my phone so turned it off and hid in the dark under the duvet for days. 

    I've had the same suicidal thoughts as you also, you are young, you can get better and you have an awful lot ahead of you - a lot of amazing experiences that you will treasure. I can say a lot of positive and 'reassuring' things but, from previous experience I know that it only goes so far so just make sure that when those suicidal feelings rise to the point where they feel overbearing, write what you're feeling down, do it on here if you like. Take things only a couple of minutes at a time, just tell yourself to get through the next 5 minutes, then 10. 

    Have you tried counselling? I find I can't speak to any family/friends about my situation, my past and my feelings of depression and suicidal 'episodes'. But I did find speaking to my counsellor helped, it took a while for me to be able to open up and trust her and when talking about deeper things (suicide, self harm, drug use) I still felt very uncomfortable. But it was something. It isn't necessarily a cure but it's a start.

    What you have to remember is that unfortunately, depression doesn't tend to get better quickly. It's frustratingly slow and there are lots of setbacks. It's so frustrating but, we all understand and empathise here. There's a lot more to go for you, keep fighting, though it is tiring and hard and feels pointless at times, the sun will shine through eventually and things will slowly improve. 

    Good luck Jared, remember to post here whenever you need to. 

    • JaredC
      JaredC fee25

      Posted

      You know, i woke up this morning feeling like i got hit by a train. I came here and i read what you posted and it made me feel a little better, and i want to say thank you for that.

      Counselling, i haven't tried. My GP (After prescribing me my second SSRI, after i quit the first 40 days into it) told me to try and find a therapist/professional to talk to, but i have a really bad history opening up to people and then they decide they no longer want to be associated with me so it's always been something i've never really been able to easily do. I told that one friend completely out of fear that i was losing it and i thought that i might end up hurting myself. Now that i know that he knows as much about my story as he does i'm skeptical about even being around him. Maybe even a little paranoid to some extent.

      I know it probably seems like i'm just whining but i feel so beat. Everytime i try to build myself up, it's like an invisible godzilla comes and knocks me down and burries me deeper into the ground. I'm scared that maybe i could be bipolar because the first time i went on meds i lost total control after feeling amazing in the matter of a couple of days, and i don't know if it's going to happen again. I know it sounds silly but i'm scared of myself. I'm scared that one night i'll be headed to work and i'm going to impulsively try and kill myself. Not knowing how to deal with my extreme feelings or even knowing my triggers makes me worry, and it doesn't make sense because a little over two years ago i wasn't feeling anywhere this sh*tty.

      I just want it to stop. 

    • JaredC
      JaredC fee25

      Posted

      My reply from this morning is still being moderated so i don't know if it will ever be read. But today i found myself desperately looking to get some sleep so i went to wal mart and bought some muscle and back relief pills with 325mg aceteminophen and 8mg of codeine and took nine. I know that i probably shouldnt be taking obsessive amounts of drugs but i really needed sleep. i woke up 12 hours later, it's about midnight right now. I feel really stagnant right now i guess. I've been thinking about how i've been coping the last week and i know i could do better but at the same time i don't know how to? 

      Tomorrow a friend is supposed to pick me up and take me for food but i don't really feel up for it, but i don't want to repeat today. I guess i'm sort of torn. I still really want to go speak with my friend i went on a walk with the other day but i'm unsure how to go about it. I guess i'm sort of looking for some kind of advice.

      Yeah, that would be nice.

    • fee25
      fee25 JaredC

      Posted

      I won't lie to you, counselling feels very strange at first. It felt too strange for quite a long time for me, but my counsellor could see that I was feeling uncomfortable so we just took it slowly, a little bit at a time. As we got to know each other and built up a relationship I was able to push myself that bit further and tell her more and more a bit at a time. It felt weird as I was doing it but, hey - the world didn't end! And she was really great about everything I told her, helped me see things from a different perspective. With counselling, you can say as much or as little as you like, you don't need to go in and give them all your troubles at once, I think I spent the first four weeks talking about things like dogs and Uni! Nothing relevant! 

      It's not uncommon to feel wary and maybe slightly intimidated by people we have told such personal things to. You have told something to your friend that puts you in a position where you are more vulnerable than you are used to. Not only that, but depression also acts as a voice - it tells you only the bad possibilities over, and over again. That voice may tell you that you should feel uncomfortable and paranoid around your friend now for reasons X, Y and Z - it doesn't mean that's true. That voice, it lies. It doesn't want to help you, it wants to break you. It's hard not to listen to it because it is so loud and overwhelming. But there will be a small voice inside telling you that your friend, realistically - wants the best for you, he's probably actually quite worried about you but not too sure how to go about the situation himself. I hate the thought of telling somebody about my illness and past because you can't untell them and what if they react in a way you don't like? Through counselling I learnt that fear is just that, a fear. It's not reality. People that care about you will be empathetic and want to help you. 

      It is scary with suicidal thought as they can become very intense very quick - which is why it is useful to have some sort of strategy in place (again, this is something a counsellor could help you to manage) when it gets overwhelming for me I write down every thought going through my head, they usually spill out quick. I read over it. I post on this forum, I'm only human, so yes, I self harm sometimes, maybe smoke something I shouldn't or take too many of my pills but, little by little if you build up something that works for you to deal with the emotions or to distract yourself (though it would be difficult - talk to your friend, it doesn't even have to be about feeling low, just talk to talk). 

      It's easy for me to say but, don't be so hard on yourself. If you can't get out of bed tomorrow, that's ok. Don't worry - it's not an easy time so cut yourself some slack. If you do make it out, brilliant! You will probably find it will help in some way. I would suggest going back to your GP, try and talk through some of your concerns, or write them down and hand them over to the doctor instead. I definitely would urge you to go for counselling. I've just finished my first lot with a sexual violence organisation and now my GP is sending me for a trauma based therapy. I really liked my counsellor but, these things take time remember, progress is slow. 

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