Posted , 7 users are following.
Okay, so I'll try to explain my current situation as best I can in order to try and get some answers or reasurrance from people who may have gone through a similar thing..
I feel like I'm out to get myself. That's the best possible way for me to be able to describe it right now, I can't stop sabotaging my own thoughts and it's honestly ruining my life. I'm generally a very outgoing and bubbly person, nobody I know has any idea this is going on with me right now, not even my girlfriend or my own mother - I can't bring myself to tell them something like this because I'm normally such a happy and positive individual.
Anytime I get any time to myself whatsoever I can't help but think about the inevitability of death.. the fact that I'm going to die, my girlfriend, all my friends, everyone - dead. It honestly depresses me to the point where I feel like I want to cry, I feel like nothing it worth doing anything, normally when I'm upset I rely on my girlfriend or friends to help raise my spirits but anytime I get even a sprout of happiness from their company my mind instantly reminds itself they're going to die one day and I'm depressed again.
I'm also unbelievably self-concious about my health. Any bodily sensation I experience, whether it be painful or not instantly leads me to believe I have some kind of underlying medical condition that is going to result in my demise. It may sound stupid to some, but it's real to me. I've had countless fully blown panic attacks just because I have a small pain in my eye for a few minutes, or something. And it's stupid because I know it's nothing serious deep down and that it'll go away, but I can't stop myself from getting worked up and overthinking every possibility.
Finally, I go through random waves of being really depressed for no reason at all. I suddenly feel like nothing is worth doing and my entire life is pointless and has no meaning whatsoever. My girlfriend fell asleep at around 8PM last night, and as I have trouble sleeping I was awake until 12AM - and I'd honestly never felt so alone in my life. I didn't want to wake her, so I stayed up trying to distract myself with a constant sinking feeling of being alone haunting my thoughts, along with the symptoms I've described above.
I'd also like to add that recently at random points in my life I suddenly feel like I've been completely disconnected with reality. I'll look at my hands and they look forgein to me, and it's the same with my reflection. My visual perception becomes distorted and nothing looks 'real', it's hard to explain..
If anyone has any answers as to what could be wrong with me and what I should do please let me know! I'm thinking about going to see my local doctor but even typing this on an online forum sounds stupid to me, I feel like an idiot. I don't think I have it in me to tell my doctor, has anyone on here ever experienced these feelings and had them pass without any additional help?
1 like, 7 replies