What's wrong with me - bipolar or something else?

Hi everyone, 

I want to share my story with you. And I would really appreciate your comments, tips or guidance.

I moved to Germany together with my husband 4,5 years ago. 4 years ago we had our little miracle come into this world, our daughter. It was the best thing that had ever happened to us, after all we've been through in our lives...it was a very long awaited child, a true gift. Everything finally started making sense, all the tough times seemed to be behind, and we were so happy despite being sleepless  And here it started. 

Bit by bit I was “drowning". Postpartum depression they told me. I was so demotivated, so disconnected from this world, from my family. I felt ashamed for not being able to do simple things like calling a doctor’s office, taking care of the bills and so on. I felt worthless. I felt ashamed for not feeling happy, for not wanting my husband, for not enjoying life despite all the things happening around me. I was getting deeper and deeper under my shell. The world was blurry and at some point things started feeling unreal. 

We were sleepless for 1,5 years in a row. My husband said that it couldn’t go on like that anymore, and began to rescue me and us from the zombie land. I stopped breastfeeding, he took care of the daughter’s night sleep. Bit by bit, it took us about 6 months to recover more or less, but depression was still there. With a great push and help of my family I started working again, they feared that otherwise things would’ve got critical for my mental health. I started a completely new role - from previously customer supporting role to the proactive one, working in sales. Things felt quite stressful and new. A few months after the job's start, I began to feel changes within me. I felt kind of superior to other people, super self assure, my self esteem and belief in myself were as high as never before. I had lots of energy like never before. I started sleeping less (could be 4 hours vs “a post must have 8-9, and no issues)", dressing more sexy, began to attract attention from people, and enjoyed this state quite a lot. Life seemed to be blossoming. All of a sudden I learned how to laugh - I never really laughed in my life, just smiled, as if I wasn’t physically able to. All of a sudden there I was laughing. I didn’t find it strange, I found it awesome. Then I met someone. It was a formal meeting in the first place (we’re in the same industry). Then he started telling me about polygamy and other bullsh…For some reason my brain accepted this information. It felt like I was on a constant high, not criticising things, taking everything easy, not taking into consideration serious and important things that we were discussing with my husband at that time. All in all it felt as if I was 15 or so. Then we started chatting. The world of polygamy, sex chats, cheating, porn, phantasies, ideas etc. - felt as if there was a second me that was living in that world. 

Before I was the kind of person who preferred not to lie, it was simply too stressful and felt so wrong, that I would worry about a little lie like crazy. However this time it was different. I lied like a professional poker player. I was lying to my family's face all the time. Making things up so fast and naturally. The complexity of my lies was pretty high. During 1 year after I met this person I did terrible things… Lying, cheating, self admiration, photos&videos of myself, masturbation in different places, living in a phantasy world, not paying attention to my family, again lies lies lies…and oh cheating with more than just that guy. It felt as if there was a hungry beast was sitting inside of me. I was remorseless, cold, hunting, playing…All in all during the past year I had 5 men, 3 of which I slept with (2 times unprotected!), 2 kissed. The beast was unstoppable and was growing and getting more and more hungry. I was scared to death and excited at the same time. I told myself more and more often that I have to stop all this, but I couldn’t. The more I told myself that I have to stop, the worse it got.. to the point of being unbearable - all my mind would get filled 100% with the idea of chats, phantasies etc.

Then my husband found out. I felt pretty crazy - it was a conference in our home town, and lasted 2 days. Day1 I slept with one guy, day 2 with another guy and in the evening flirting with the third one. In the meantime our daughter was sick. I didn’t think about anyone, didn’t think about any risks, just some crazy ideas of having sex with these people swirling in my head. He was devastated. We spoke several days non stop. He was trying to find out the truth, and I just wouldn’t let it all out. It was about 20 stories in total that I told him, releasing more important details as I went. I still felt hyper sexual at that point in time, still checking out men on the streets, still feeling like texting that guy. It took my husband some time to get me out of there. It was him to suspect me being ill. After going to a psychiatrist I was diagnosed with Bipolar II and started taking meds. After a few weeks on medication I started feeling a bit better, closer to normal. 

We’ve been together with my husband for 18 years, and we’re the only family we’ve got (no relatives, no real friends). I broke his heart and betrayed my family... Now we’re divorcing and I question myself all the time - Why did I do it all? Why didn’t I stop/confess? Now I’m in the phase where I’m so deep under water, that I can’t see any bits of light. Sometimes, once every two weeks or so, I get out of there, it feels like jumping out of the water: again having lots of energy, loads of optimism and great mood all of a sudden, start believing in myself, have an increased productivity at work, increased libido and desire to dress up etc. It usually lasts 1-2 days, and then I drown again quite suddenly and rapidly. Apart from that I also have a strange paranoia that all men out there want to either sleep with me or have no good intentions. I get very overwhelmed by sounds and people very fast, communication is difficult. I’m also like a walking juke box, the loads of tracks playing and rotating in my head are wearing me off. It started a year ago and it just got much worse. And oh, I feel as if I have no personality, that I’m a walking blank disc. Most of the days I feel completely disconnected from the world, and feel no emotions at all. I’m sure this all isn’t normal, but have no clue what exactly is the reason. What scares me is that this strange condition is getting worse, and I have no answers so far...  

I know I’ve said a lot. Sorry there’s been so much on my mind. I desperately need to understand: 

1) if it was just hypomania, why didn’t I stop? ( I had no hallucinations or super rapid speech, they think it’s bipolar II)

2) how come my family didn’t notice any weird behaviour at home, I was a “perfect” liar

3) how could my husband stop mania just with conversations (it was very tough but still, I thought that normally one in mania doesn’t stop without meds, and goes all the way to the abyss until he ends up in a hospital)

4) why in the world didn’t I direct my hyper sexuality onto my husband, why did I need to cheat?

5)what can be happening with me apart from bipolar if bipolar at all? 

Really appreciate your comments.

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