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Had my pip reward review and got a decision. They’re gonna keep me on same amount of money and carry on my award.
Thing is I feel like I’m entitled to more and after having the face to face and requested and received the medical report from the accessor I feel like he dumbed down my case and didn’t really take into account how things affect me.
When I first was awarded j had depression and anxiety.
Was awarded £200 a month for 2 years. Low moods, self harm, unable to go out anywhere alone, mum (my career) did all my shopping and spenditure and made sure I kept on top of meds and hygeune and therapy ect.
Now a year later, I have new diagnosis of ptsd bpd and gad on top of the anxiety and depression.
Things have got worse.
And I still can’t go out anywhere alone or take responsibility for my money, need prompting to take medication, to bath, to get out of bed because depression is very debilitating some days.
I cannot cook on my own as history of self harm and impulse.. I also suffer with a lot of brain fog and my mind switches off so I can be cooking something and forget and then there’s opportunity for danger ect
I cannot go out alone at all, not even to my local shop because my panic attacks are so strong that I end up passing out.
I am in dialect behavioural therapy for my BPD and on high does medication.
I feel like my case wasn’t taken seriously enough. I literally live inside my house because the stress of panic attacks are so strong and I’ve ended up having panic disorder over having a panic attack or having something happen to me whilst out socially.
The accessor literally just basically said I need prompting to be able to cook, and prompting to be able to carry out and follow a journey which is bull.
It’s not a case of planning a rout and then off I go, I have to know days even weeks before, I need to know what time where we will stop, how long we will be out, will I have an escape rout home if I have an attack... now to me that is not just needing prompting!
Also, with the cooking and self care.. again it’s not a case of my career sayin ok you need to make dinner now or hey, maybe you should have a bath today— she has to cook for me because I don’t eat properly and even if she does cook sometimes we argue because I’m just not hungry when I’m having a bad day, I’ve already broken 2 cookers from minor fires trying to cook and then forgetting and being distracted and have countless burns from my clumsiness. I never learnt how to cook properly anyway because when I was at the age of learning to cook for myself I was a heavy self harmer and no one trusted me., knifes were removed from the kitchen, I even had to ASK for a shaving razor when I needed one and had to have the bathroom door open while bathing because I was so addicted to self harming when I was at my lowest.
My days consist of waking up about 6am I have a few fags and a cup of tea. Then go back to bed or sit on the sofa and watch videos that cheer me up or listen to guided mindfulness tapes because if I don’t concentrate on something productive to help me stay calm then I’m spending every minute either breaking down about how s**t my life is and how much control my mind has over my “life” or I’m verging panic attacks all the time thinking something is wrong with me physically and that I’m going to die or need to go to hospital. Yes, now I’ve started therapy I try to be more productive with my time, so I sometimes fill out worksheets given from therapy, or listen to binary music to balance my emotions whilst trying an exercise tutorial to try and get my body releasing endorphins- but even then it’s that nagging feeling of not wanting to be here.
If I eat I feel fat, if I don’t eat I’m scared I’ll die so I have to distract myself from “reality” so I don’t need to eat.
I don’t want to die I’m scared to take my life but I don’t NOT want to be here more days than not and if it wasn’t for my health anxiety and fear of death and pain then I wouldn’t be here..
I’m alive but I’m not living. I’m 22 and I’ve never been able to work from my anxiety and ibs.. I’ve never been out to a club or a bar, never gone shopping alone, never cooked a full meal safely, never achieved anything and been able to stick to it because my mind is so treaters that I’ve had to create a safe place inside of it where I can live out my life inside my box room and be safe from myself.
But yet, I just need prompting to eat and go out and I’m abit irritated and impatient?!
Am I over reacting in feeling completely let down by this guy? Do I have a leg to stand on asking for a reconsideration?
Am I within my rights to challenge the decision?
I need advice.
I need reassurance or a kick up the arse one way or another because I’ve been trying for over 10 years to get better and I finally get a diagnosis after struggling for years to talk about my life and my issues for a guy in a tie to turn around and say that I’m basically fine?
Can they lower my money/take away my award if I challenge this? And if I chose to, who can I turn to for help to do it because I haven’t got a clue and to be honest if I try and do it without someone who knows what they are doing, I’ll just mess it up anyway.
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