What to do when life becomes pointless and you get so low that you contemplate mortality

Posted , 5 users are following.

I typed that into a search engine.  Found this place and joined.

I had shall we say a low moment when i thought about (once again) how long i have left on this planet, how my life is pretty much a complete waste (and a waste of time), how I have essentially wasted the last 8 months of my life playing games and doing things that do not move me forward in any way, shape or form.

So some background.  I have a few things wrong with me, but the main problem is anaphylaxis and my condition is at the more severe end of the spectrum.  Throw in a bunch of panic disorders, ocd, general anxiety, pretty bad depression.

So for the allergies I use a lot of steroids, a massive amount of anti-histamines and occasionally the odd bit of adrenaline.  The steroids have definitely not helped the depression end of things.  I have diazepam for the anxiety/panic side of things but dont take them much due to the addictive properties of benzos.  I am allergic to all the ssri/snri/maoi drugs (tried most of every family and hospitalised after every attempt).  So no possibilities exist for anti-depressant usage for now.  Same goes for several anti-psychs.

Im on the waiting list for 1 to 1 psych/cbt sessions.  Am on ESA, so haven't worked for about 8 months.  Had to move back in with my parents after living on my own for years.  Currently in my 40's.

So anyway, life sucks at present and has done for the last 6 years.  This is the fourth time in the last month I've gotten this low.  This is more than likely due to taking the pred for almost 4 weeks solid.

I won't ask stupid questions like does it get better.  I've been to this point too many times to do that.  It does and it doesn't.  Just needed to type it out and vent it.  Tomorrow I will go to the gym and turn it into something useful. smile

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  • Posted

    Hi.  I am in a similar situation.  I got the flu in January and developed some severe breathing problems, which persist to this day.  I had to go on disability from work (recently returned after 4 months off).  Saw a million doctors, still no definitive diagnosis, doctors claiming it's all in my head, trying to get back to a working routine but a lot of my work has now been redistributed to other coworkers so my role is diminished.  I was on all sorts of psyche meds as a way to help me deal with my breathing issue.  These drugs made my situation worse IMO.  I've thought about my mortality a lot lately as well.  I will be 50 this year.  I wonder if I will need to deal with this breathing condition for the remainder of my life or whether it will heal on its own.  I have panic attacks too, particularly when driving. I never had any anxiety or panic attacks before my breathing condition started.  I now hate driving.  Many with asthma or COPD have anxiety so there are similiarities with my own condition.

    All I can say is to take it one day at a time and try to do things to make slow and steady progress.  I've been healing over a 7 month period now and I'm still not back to normal; not sure if I ever will.  One day you're fine, the next day you can't get a full breath of air and incur many other problems as a result (GI, insomnia).  I've been through hell.  It's hard to see progress on a day to day basis, but I have to acknowledge that I have made some steps forward.  Best of luck to you in your recovery.

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    • Posted

      Thats the lovely problem with viral infections, they can have long lasting effects that go on for a long time.  I know of several people who had last years flu strain and still haven't fully recovered.  A few people in Conrwall my parents know are still suffering 8 months on.  Not that im saying this will be the case for you.  I have a flu jab every year and managed to avoid getting it last/this year, thankfully.  that would be my suggestion to you.  Even if you have to pay a supermarket £10 for it, get it done in September when it first becomes available.  Due to your breathing issues, you should be able to get it out of your doctor this year.  Even if it only offers a 50% chance of not getting flu, take the odds.  The strains that seem to be loose every year are getting worse and last years was particularly bad. 

      On the point of anxiety and panic attacks, I have some possible strategies, one is slightly more off beat.  Have you ever tried riding motorcycles?  As a possible avenue for coping with the rigours of traffic, try a day CBT (motorcycle compulsory training) course.  Whether you actually choose to do anything with the knowledge afterwards is up to you.  But when i get on my bike a lot of my stress and anxiety evaporates.  I believe being out in the fresh air and also having to concentrate at a much higher level forces your body to push aside anything that would be negative while you do it, then throw in an average commute in gridlocked traffic can be achieved in a lot less time than in a car.  It also works for a few of my friends with panic and anxiety disorders.  Anther possibility is the ever offered CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) and finally pharmaceuticals can be very good at low dose for just taking the edge off things (but you arent really supposed to use them while driving so I would probably avoid doing so).  It will probably take time for you to get past the driving issue, regardless of strategy.  Mine may not work for you.  But if you try out different things eventually you will find something that works.

      Next try and exercise.  Regardless of whether you can breathe or not.  Go to a gym (or park) and run a km.  Aim for 10 mins to start with and drop it down until it takes you a lot less.  Over time that will make it a lot easier to breathe.  Generally going to a gym and doing a hard workout three times a week will improve your health a lot.  Even on days I can't breathe I can be found on a treadmill doing a km or two, because 10 mins after I finish I feel much better.  If I cant run for some reason, then I lift weights (but generally I do both).  Exercise and good food (vegetables and meat (or if vege adapt)).

      I thought about last nights thread and I guess I was pretty vague on some points.  Lack of sleep and other things didn't help.  Basically I've lived with auto-immune diseases all my life.  The anaphylaxis is just the latest problem in a long line of them.  I've had bad allergies to the usual suspects (nuts, almonds, pets) since I was a child and bad asthma to cap it off.  That made childhood a real fun time.  As an adult I added about 100 foods and 200 pharmaceuticals to the allergy list and have gone through all treatment options without much success.  I now have only immuno-suppression therapy left for me to try.  But at present can't start it due to a bad viral chest infection.  So Immuno-therapy is pencilled in for later this year.  The anxiety and mental issues are just ongoing.  Partly tied to the allergies, partly tied to poor choices I made long ago.  I don't think I will ever be rid of them, but can live with them for now.  The steroids have just made things a lot harder a late, given a lot more suicidal thoughts and just exceptionally low mood.  iIve had these problems in the past and can work around them.  They will resolve as soon as i get off the steroids.

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    • Posted

      Hi.  Thanks for the thoughtful reply.  I am starting to go to the gym - went for first time in 7 months last weekend and will be going today.  Mainly doing treadmill, elliptical and some nautilus machine weights to get my muscles a little toned.  I felt slightly better afterward and my doctor has suggested that I work out my lungs so that is what I'm looking to start doing with more frequency.

      As I mentioned, I a bad case of the flu (unconfirmed) in January and suddenly developed the inability to take a deep breath on inspiration.  It was alarming and caused me great discomfort and stress.  I believe my condition has improved - or at least I have been better able to adapt to it mentally - but it is still not back to normal.  It can be episodic.  Driving tends to exacerbate it so I am aware that stress is a component, but my view is that the stress did not CAUSE it, only makes it worse.  There was some discussion with my pulmonary doctor whether prednisone may be worth trying to alleviate any ongoing inflammation in my lungs or body.  I suspect this would be oral prednisone.  I was wondering if you could please let me know what sort of adverse side effects you typically encounter while on these steroidal drugs?  My doctor suggested that I hold off on prednisone for the time being and see how I progress, but it may still be a drug to consider.  Thus, wondering what your experience has been taking these oral steroidal drugs.  Thanks!

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  • Posted

    Not that I'm happy you go this But I myself was thinking What's the point to my life I deal with OCD and PTSD along with a group of health issues I was completely independent until I became so depressed I couldn't get off the couch I had two girls that were 12 and 13 I could not take care of them Had to move in with my mother and her husband They live in another house now But I'm on SSI which is nothing At 50 I am completely dependent on them My mother is cruel My youngest daughter has cancer I can't help my girls who are 28 and 29 Both with debilitating issues I feel like I failed at life I have good days But it's hard with a mother that makes mommy dearest look like mother of the year I've read all the posts I'm glad I'm not alone Seeing your post today was a gift 

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  • Posted

    Hi Seeker,

    Try reading a book called 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tollé. If you can understand it and put it into practice it can be life changing.

    All the best

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