When you love someone and tell them your depressed and they treat you like crap.

Just to warn you, this will be a long post. I have no one to talk to and so much to get off my chest. I'm 30 now, and have experienced gradually increasing depression and social anxiety for the past 10 years or so. When I was 26, someone randomly started to show interest in me through Facebook messenger, said I was her only focus after talking for like 2 days (red flag? maybe.) I was doing fairly well, still able to enjoy most things, and thought wow a relationship would make me even happier! So I indulged, and we chatted back and forth for a while. She was going through a divorce, and had just had a baby, and lived 3000 miles away but was coming back here, where we went to the same high school years ago. After the first week of talking (before she was even here) she had her sister text me and try to hit on me, apparently to see if I was trustworthy(2nd red flag?) When she came up here, we went on a few dates and sort of hit it off, so we took the next logical step and basically moved into her parents house together. (sarcasm) If I wasn't there every day right after work, it was a problem. but she was going through a lot so I tried to be empathetic. eventually we rent a house together, slowly I come to realize she has a drinking problem, and gets angry and emotional when she drinks. but jealousy was the main issue, she checked my phone every day, and everytime I took a shower she would come in every 5 mins or so to make sure I wasn't doing anything she didnt approve of...if you know what i mean. i made the mistake one day of telling her the engineer on our job site was a female, then every day after that it was non stop texting and calling me at work, and if I didnt respond quickly there would be hell to pay, asking if "she" was there and if she was hot, etc. etc. to the point where I had my first panic attack, I thought it was a heart attack, I couldnt breath fast enough, my hands were going numb, then my arms and my feet, by the time I drove myself to the hospital (stupid idea) I couldnt even take the keys out of the ignition because my hands felt paralyzed, all gnarled up like an old man with arthritis or something. I had gone to the bathroom right before I got in my car and couldnt manage to get my belt back together so I felt like an idiot hobbling into the hospital, hands curled up, end of my belt hanging out, probably looking like I had my dick out from a distance, not sure if I'd even closed my car door not. I couldnt even fill out the paperwork they gave me at the hospital, and I am thinking, wtf! I'm dying here, screw the paperwork, someone help me! finally they gave me some kind of medicine, I wanna say it was called adavan or something and I calmed down eventually and it was finally over. I had broken my phone somewhere along the way, so when i got home all I got was "wtf, why haven't you been answering my texts, were you with another woman?" then I explained everything and she didnt really seem to care, with an attitude almost like thank God it was just a horrible panic attack(I'd lost count of the red flags by now). I was embarrassed that I just left my jobsite in the middle of the day so I just told my coworkers that I had to many energy drinks and thought i was having a heart attack.

After a few months of okay relationship(other than the extremely persistent jealously issues) her tenants told her they were moving out, this is right after she quit her job and started school to be a medical assistant. So when she couldnt find anyone to rent it, we moved out of our 800 a month rental and into her house, with a nearly 1900 dollar mortgage, so obviously with her going to school, having a 1 year old, and me having an 8 year old, I would have to put in more hours at work. This did not help the jealousy issues. Plus, we've all seen the movies where the husband has to "work late" but is really with another woman, that concept is all to familiar. I would have to send her pictures of the shop, or of the truck I was driving or a google maps screen shot with my location pinpointed. This did not help my anxiety or depression which were mild for the most part before then, other than a few dark periods. One day, after the now normal accusatory and guilt inducing texts, I got home from work and she happened to be visiting her parents up the street, and all the jealousy and accusations and lack of trust were just overwhelming and I got in the shower with a razor and made a few more cuts on my thigh, something I hadn't done for years, and that I had kept hidden from not just her but everyone. She happened to come home just minutes after and as usual, opened the bathroom door and pulled back the curtain to make sure I was being a good boy. She saw the pink water circling the drain and the blood running down my legs, and the tears in my eyes. The first words out of her mouth were "what the fk". So of course that made me feel better and we got married and lived happily ever after. No wait, that didn't happen. She (who is, for the record, self described as emo, favorite band was taking back sunday) said "I thought cutting yourself was some stupid st middle school kids did to get attention" I knew then we should be together forever (more sarcasm) I told her later that night that I just wasn't happy in our relationship and I needed to take a break from her to get my head straight, and had to really argue the point that I needed alone time, which means no texting or calling and asking me who I'm with or if I've JO'd. that was her idea of cute short hand for jacking off of course. This lasted less than 4 hours, I had gone to my dads house for the night, and she started texting, then calling, even after i repeatedly told her we could talk tomorrow but I was really upset and needed space. Then after I finally answered (should have just turned my phone off) she started asking all these questions. Are you happy with me? do you love me? do you want to be with me? do you think I'm beautiful? are you attracted to me? are you attracted to anyone else? I tried to just give her the answers she wanted to hear because I just didnt have the emotional energy to argue, but I couldnt. when I told her I didn't know if I wanted to stay in a relationship with her and that's why I needed the time and space to think, she started crying (shes a great actress) and told me the reason she has been so jealous and extra emotional/moody is because she was pregnant, made up a whole story about how she just took a test that day, then 3 more just to make sure. So of course I instantly felt like an ahole, and apologized and came back home. The part that is blurry and confusing to me now is why when I found out she was lying, I didnt leave right away because that is an insane thing to do to someone. But she knew I was emotionally weak and I just didnt have the energy after making up and apologizing and telling her I really did love her (which I felt at the moment but was probably not accurate) This happened another time, a few months later, this time my daughter was with us ( I have 50/50 custody). She (gf) got drunk and started getting angry after she was asking me how much I love her and why I love her and all these questions non stop for literally hours on end (2 or 3 at least) and I tried to tell her, look, I love you and no one else, that's that. let's talk about something else or watch a movie or something. She started yelling at me and cussing me out and telling me I was a sy boyfriend and when she said I was a sy father, (which she knows is something I'm sensitive about because I get depressed/anxious and dont do much with my daughter because of it and it makes me feel like a sy parent and that makes me more depressed, blah blah blah, the sy downward spiral continues) I woke up my daughter and we went to my dads house for the night and I turned off my phone, then my gf started texting crazy things to my daughters phone, which is a huge line to cross, so I blocked her number on my daughters phone. She again pulled the same "I'm pregnant" deal, saying it was for real this time, plus her grandpa had passed a few weeks before so she used that also, and I gave in. (what a fg idiot, I know) The next red flag came not to long after that, she had seemed to lose interest sexually, so I ended up looking up porn on my phone and, well I probably dont need to go into anymore detail. I felt bad, not about what I did, but about lying to her about it. One night, after we both had quite a few drinks, she looked through my phone after I fell asleep, saw the search history and flipped out, shook me awake and started hitting me, I tried talking to her but very quickly realized that wasn't going to help the situation, so I went in the basement where we kept the spare bed, and half asleep told her we would talk about it in the morning. She started banging on the door, broke the lock and came in swinging, just screaming at me, saying the worst possible things she could think of, or so it seemed. but there was nothing I could say or do to calm the situation. when I finally had enough of the hitting, I grabbed her wrists on the next two punches, and she screamed and acted like I was the one abusing her, calling me a wife beater and all sorts of crazy things. I didnt know what to do so I picked her up and dropped her on the couch in the living room(her still hitting me however she could) then ran back into the basement, closed the door and sat with my back against it, crying. no more than a few seconds later, she came flying into the door and started trying to get in. every hit knocked the door open a few inches, then my weight would slam it back shut. This went on for what felt like hours but was probably only 15 or 20 minutes. when she finally stopped and I heard her footsteps go upstairs to the main bedroom I relaxed. A few minutes later she came down and tried one more time, yelling still. I stayed perfectly quiet and she went away after just a minute or so. when it was finally over I laid in the spare bed and cried for a while, after a few hours, when I was sure she was passed out, i quietly went upstairs and grabbed some clothes and left for my dads house. This would never happen again. When i came back for the rest of my stuff with a box truck borrowed from my work, she was in my face, talking st the whole time about how no one would ever love me, she gave me everything and it was never enough, told me how I was lazy and a bad parent, all the stuff that would normally trigger anger in me, but I just ignored it the best I could, her son was there, now 2, but she still yelled and screamed. I remember the odd feeling that I would miss him more than her. he called me dad, even if it was only a few times, and i had been his dad for 2 years, as his biological dad was totally out of the picture. this broke my heart, i gave him a toy truck i had gotten when i was a kid, gave him a hug and left before i started crying harder. There was a lot more I could write but I'm getting tired, like how she always wanted to go out to parties and drink and stay out all night even when she knew lots of people and I didnt know anyone and she would ditch me, leaving me feeling super awkward and anxious. or how she felt we could argue and she could yell at me when my daughter was with us, but if I ever even raised my voice when her son was around, I was a piece of st. Also, this whole time I had been paying her mortgage and paying for everything actually since she was going to school and didnt work, going to the food pantry, working extra hours, but she still got to spend hundreds on her hair, nails, and whatever nutrition fad was popular that month, when I mentioned anything about us spending less she would say she doesnt want to live life like she was broke...and to that I would say...we are broke haha. it didnt bother me that much pinching pennies while she was going to school, but I was the only one making sacrifices, I emptied alllll my savings and investments, over 15k dollars over the course of those 18 months, and she was spending literally hundreds on essential oils and other albeit nice, but totally unnecessary things. Anyways...now I live with my dad, and it's been a year and a half and I've almost got all my debt paid off, while she, after not even a month, has a new bf, I assume to pay for all her "necessities " My depression has gotten slightly worse, played Russian roulette, and won obviously, but I've written notes and held guns to my head quite a few times now, but I think I'm ready to pull the trigger. the only thing that's kept me alive this long is my daughter. if I could get the thought of her crying and being emotionally wrecked because her dad killed himself out of my mind, then I'd have done it by now. I find no joy in anything other than her happiness. I've found myself becoming an alcoholic over the past year. the week she isn't here I start drinking as soon as I get home from work, sometimes sooner. when she is here, I manage to keep it under control until after shes asleep. while alcohol is great at numbing the pain, I seem to always take it past that point where the pain starts to increase and I feel like a completely worthless, sack of st, not worthy of the air I breath! this drawing I posted at my door has saved my life more times than I probably even know(tried to attach the picture) . I dont know what to do anymore, I've tried meds, diets, exercise, and idk what else there is. my social anxiety has gotten so bad that I cant even go into the grocery store without my earbuds in and still I'm seeing all the people and when they look at me, thinking how they are judging me, fat, s***y looking, messy me. oh, and I guess this might be relevant information, when my other ex was pregnant with my daughter, she told me how she wished I wasn't the father and that I'll never know the pain I've caused her, you know, fun stuff like that, so that was the first time I cut myself, actually burnt myself technically. took a butter knife(that's all they had) at work and heated it up on the stove and then tried to carve x's on my stomach, I guess so I would know the pain she was going through? I was 18 then, so I guess I've struggled with depression for more like 12 years. I also have ADD so if I dont drink or take melatonin I just stay up all night overthinking everything and playing video games to try to distract myself. the only thing I've managed to keep together is my job, although I did try to kill myself when I lived in my camper at the gravel pit I work at. drank almost a whole bottle of whiskey, and took something like 90mg of hydrocodone and a handful of oxycodone and whatever else I could find. My boss had made dinner in his camper that night and came over to offer me some, finding me passed out and the propane stove still on with the charred remains of a grilled cheese. he said he shook me and lifted up my legs and dropped them and all sorts of stuff and i didnt wake up so he just turned the stove off and left me. i guess I'm glad I didnt die that night, he would have felt horrible. okay...I'm done now I think. not sure what the point of this post is or what I'm looking for,just never said any of this out loud or to anyone before, so that in itself makes it feel good. Also, I dont want to make the impression that I think my ex's were horrible and I am perfect, being with someone like me who is depressed and anxious cant be easy.

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