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Hey guys, it's me again.
I recently made a post but I realised after I made it that it contains some swearing which is against the ToS, so it probably wont make it past moderation. My bad. So I've decided to write out another thread since I'm past the breaking point. Incase the other thread does for some reason get past moderation, please ignore it, as it moslty says everything this thread says.
Since my last thread, I've told someone new about my problems. She's sort've helped, but not really. Telling me that everything will be ok isn't exactly helping me too much. I also told one of my old close friends who I drifted away from due to work, I told him everything, and he didn't help at all. I told him about using this site and everything else, but he didn't seem to know what to say - and logged off as our conversation was online - after saying only a few words of encouragment.
Tonight, I went out with a few friends which was fun for awhile. But I met a girl. Someone I randomly fell for. I havent felt that in about 3 years now. We were getting along well and I thought maybe things could start looking up despite my friend saying she was quite "easy" and that many guys have been with her. That didn't matter to me. I just needed someone I could trust to tell my problems to, whilst I did the same in return. Anyway, she left randomly without a word, and left me feeling worse than ever.
I came home, and thats when I told my friend everything. And thats also when he logged off without much of a word. I havent felt this bad in a long time.
I have to get up and go to work in a few short hours, yet I'm sat alone at home drinking more trying to get rid of the pain, but it isnt working. Im so sick of the numbness and the sadness that I'm always feeling. I just want it all to end already.
Work doesnt help me anymore like it used to. I used to use work as a sort of distraction, but some people at work are nasty to me in general for no real reason that I can figure out, and it makes it so much worse. On top of that, the work load is over the top, and they dont pay wages properly, so I'm cut out of about one to two hours work each shift. I need the money to pay my rent as well as other bills, and I'm starting to hover over the edge, and that makes me worry as I really want to leave this job but know I cant.
I don't know what to do. I cant make it on my own, but no one seems to be able to help me. I have no one I trust left. I decided that maybe this was the best time to end it, but I dont have the courage. God, I really need to go, but I cant. It'd break my parents hearts and they couldnt handle that. I've decided to self harm instead. I've despised the notion for years, but I'm starting to understand why people may do it. Apparently it releases some form of chemical that makes everything easier.
Sorry for such a sad post, but I have no one left to turn to. I appreciate anyone taking the time to read this.
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