Whenever I get close, it just gets further away. Thinking about ending it all.

Posted , 4 users are following.

Hey guys, it's me again.

I recently made a post but I realised after I made it that it contains some swearing which is against the ToS, so it probably wont make it past moderation. My bad. So I've decided to write out another thread since I'm past the breaking point. Incase the other thread does for some reason get past moderation, please ignore it, as it moslty says everything this thread says. 

Since my last thread, I've told someone new about my problems. She's sort've helped, but not really. Telling me that everything will be ok isn't exactly helping me too much. I also told one of my old close friends who I drifted away from due to work, I told him everything, and he didn't help at all. I told him about using this site and everything else, but he didn't seem to know what to say - and logged off as our conversation was online - after saying only a few words of encouragment. 

Tonight, I went out with a few friends which was fun for awhile. But I met a girl. Someone I randomly fell for. I havent felt that in about 3 years now. We were getting along well and I thought maybe things could start looking up despite my friend saying she was quite "easy" and that many guys have been with her. That didn't matter to me. I just needed someone I could trust to tell my problems to, whilst I did the same in return. Anyway, she left randomly without a word, and left me feeling worse than ever.

I came home, and thats when I told my friend everything. And thats also when he logged off without much of a word. I havent felt this bad in a long time.

I have to get up and go to work in a few short hours, yet I'm sat alone at home drinking more trying to get rid of the pain, but it isnt working. Im so sick of the numbness and the sadness that I'm always feeling. I just want it all to end already.

Work doesnt help me anymore like it used to. I used to use work as a sort of distraction, but some people at work are nasty to me in general for no real reason that I can figure out, and it makes it so much worse. On top of that, the work load is over the top, and they dont pay wages properly, so I'm cut out of about one to two hours work each shift. I need the money to pay my rent as well as other bills, and I'm starting to hover over the edge, and that makes me worry as I really want to leave this job but know I cant.

I don't know what to do. I cant make it on my own, but no one seems to be able to help me. I have no one I trust left. I decided that maybe this was the best time to end it, but I dont have the courage. God, I really need to go, but I cant. It'd break my parents hearts and they couldnt handle that. I've decided to self harm instead. I've despised the notion for years, but I'm starting to understand why people may do it. Apparently it releases some form of chemical that makes everything easier.

Sorry for such a sad post, but I have no one left to turn to. I appreciate anyone taking the time to read this.

Thank you

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7 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi,dear sam, please try to never give up hope that you have the life that. You truly deserve... you must get urgent help for I low you feel at the moment, visit your GP and totally open up, I wish that you find hope and above all, happiness xx you will be in my thoughts and prayers x. Deirdre anne .......
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  • Posted

    Sam: You might inadvertantly have put your finger on a potential solution to your situation: you describe your work as having been a 'disyraction'.

    My own experience with trying to resolve the Big D has revealed a pretty convincing pattern of learned behaviour that's being going on for nearlly 30 years and of which I was completely oblivious until recently, namely the pattern of retreating either physically (running away) or behaviourally (folding up) from situation where I felt I lacked any control. So far, so good: standard CBT awareness-raising, right? Your 'distraction' has many characteristics of that sort of retreat.

    The critical step for me was learning that this learning has in fact taken place at a very deep neurological level, akin almost to physical reflex, or at least 'wired into' the very oldest parts of the brain like the limbic system, and cannot be re-wired simply by knowing about it or trying harder. The learning has to be undone, reprocessed, at a neurological level.

    There are well-established techniques for addressing this. Their results are well established and widely published in solid journals i.e. unlikely to be entirely hokum or arising fom placebo effects. I believe they have worked for me.

    Interested in learning more?

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    • Posted

      I understand what you're saying. It does feel like Im using anything I can get as a way to distract or escape from my depression. I havent thought of it as something thats wired into my brain as a reflex though. Sounds intresting 
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  • Posted

    I'm with Deirdre on this one.    First make an appointment to see your G.P.   There is help out there.  He or she can then refer you on to somebody else in the NHS. If you are offered anti-depressants, take them !  

    Sorry if this sounds a bit flippant, but there are so many options out there you can go to, or contact for help.

    Also have you tried calling in, or phoning The Samaritans ?  I was a volunteer for many years and you are trained in suicide thoughts, etc. etc.   Please keep in touch and don't give up

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    • Posted

      I find it really hard to tell people this sort've thing about me. I find it hard to tell people anything about me actually >< but i know i should see a gp its just getting up the strenght to do so. i havent considered the samaritans but its an interesting idea. i may have to look into it =)

      thank you  but="" i="" know="" i="" should="" see="" a="" gp="" its="" just="" getting="" up="" the="" strenght="" to="" do="" so.="" i="" havent="" considered="" the="" samaritans="" but="" its="" an="" interesting="" idea.="" i="" may="" have="" to="" look="" into="" it=")" thank="">

      thank you >

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  • Posted

    go with your instincts and make a decision about the girl.  But don't run away from home before you are ready to.

    Richard

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