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I came here back in November last year, after having a major breakdown – through hiding depression for decades, hoping it would just go away. That sadly, did not happen, which broke out of me, in the aforementioned.
I did seek medical help from my GP, only my own GP was not available at the time she was off sick, she only recently came back. I was given Sertraline 100mg to start with, by the doctor, about 2-3 weeks passed and I felt better in myself, but deep down I would feel emotions trying to break through over such stupid little things.
I had to see my Neurologist in early February, I was hoping he would lower some of the medication I take per day, but no, instead he said that the Sertraline 100mg needed to be doubled, so now I am on 2 x Sertraline 100mg a day, he said that 100mg was not enough when you have physically attacked someone. What happened on that November night is nothing like I had felt before, and what makes it worse is, I do not remember attacking my wife as violently has my children and wife told me. I remember parts, but it was like a rage of anger, that no one in my life has ever seen.
I have not spoken to a counsellor yet, not because I am afraid to, but because I already seen a physiatrist last year regarding memory problems, mostly short-term and they wanted to know if it was medical or psychological, as regards to early signs of dementia. I was seen by an Indian physiatrist, her English was very much broken, and my wife and I had a very difficult time understanding her. But then my speech is impaired because of my nerve condition, so that did not help matters either.
I know many of you on these forums, from other specialised areas that I have studied throughout my life, but with decades of knowledge behind me, why I bothered back then, I do not know – perhaps it was to keep my brain active. I was a MENSAN when I was just 17. I have many diplomas, I passed many college courses by taking the exams only – no course work involved, even college tutors said I could easily take a tutor course to allow me to teach, but back then I was not as bad as I am now, physically and mentally.
My order is progressive, which is something I have to keep changing the way I can do things. I am wheelchair bound as it is, I cannot even operate a normal wheelchair on my own, I have to rely on my wife 24/7.
Personally, I do not know what direction to take next, I do know that depression is harder to get out of, than I first thought. My own GP phoned me last Friday to double the Sertraline, she said that she would contact me again in 2 weeks to see how I was getting on with them. At the moment, it’s been a case of trying to stay awake, or I fall sleep and don’t even know unless my wife calls me, at one point I fell asleep while eating, not a good idea. The stupid part is I still sleep through the night, well for a few hours at a time without needing the toilet. But that is another problem entirely, yes I do have many ailments.
But what I do not understand lately, is I keep thinking back to my teens and did I choose the right path? Does that make any sense to anyone? I know I could not have prevented my accident that damaged my spine and part of the nervous system. But I even think about that, and what would have happened if I did not use a ladder. It plays on my mind, day in and day out, why? I do not know but it makes me think where would I be now? My job prospects before the accident was around 8 months and I would have been transferred to the US company outlet, that is what might have happened… but to this day, it still puzzles me, and I always come to the same two words “What if?”. Is this part of how depression can affect a person? I do not know anyone to ask, apart from phoning the NHS Counselling or asking on these forums.
I am hoping someone could shed some light on these weird thoughts, it is stupid really I been married over 25 years and have 3 very talented children. Where is the logic in that and why am I thinking of paths that I could have taken, even before I become disabled?
I’m lost... and confused, but open to suggestions.
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