Where or when does depression end? Is this even normal?

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Hi All,

I came here back in November last year, after having a major breakdown – through hiding depression for decades, hoping it would just go away. That sadly, did not happen, which broke out of me, in the aforementioned.

I did seek medical help from my GP, only my own GP was not available at the time she was off sick, she only recently came back. I was given Sertraline 100mg to start with, by the doctor, about 2-3 weeks passed and I felt better in myself, but deep down I would feel emotions trying to break through over such stupid little things.

I had to see my Neurologist in early February, I was hoping he would lower some of the medication I take per day, but no, instead he said that the Sertraline 100mg needed to be doubled, so now I am on 2 x Sertraline 100mg a day, he said that 100mg was not enough when you have physically attacked someone. What happened on that November night is nothing like I had felt before, and what makes it worse is, I do not remember attacking my wife as violently has my children and wife told me. I remember parts, but it was like a rage of anger, that no one in my life has ever seen.

I have not spoken to a counsellor yet, not because I am afraid to, but because I already seen a physiatrist last year regarding memory problems, mostly short-term and they wanted to know if it was medical or psychological, as regards to early signs of dementia. I was seen by an Indian physiatrist, her English was very much broken, and my wife and I had a very difficult time understanding her. But then my speech is impaired because of my nerve condition, so that did not help matters either.

I know many of you on these forums, from other specialised areas that I have studied throughout my life, but with decades of knowledge behind me, why I bothered back then, I do not know – perhaps it was to keep my brain active. I was a MENSAN when I was just 17. I have many diplomas, I passed many college courses by taking the exams only – no course work involved, even college tutors said I could easily take a tutor course to allow me to teach, but back then I was not as bad as I am now, physically and mentally.

My order is progressive, which is something I have to keep changing the way I can do things. I am wheelchair bound as it is, I cannot even operate a normal wheelchair on my own, I have to rely on my wife 24/7.

Personally, I do not know what direction to take next, I do know that depression is harder to get out of, than I first thought. My own GP phoned me last Friday to double the Sertraline, she said that she would contact me again in 2 weeks to see how I was getting on with them. At the moment, it’s been a case of trying to stay awake, or I fall sleep and don’t even know unless my wife calls me, at one point I fell asleep while eating, not a good idea. The stupid part is I still sleep through the night, well for a few hours at a time without needing the toilet. But that is another problem entirely, yes I do have many ailments.

But what I do not understand lately, is I keep thinking back to my teens and did I choose the right path? Does that make any sense to anyone? I know I could not have prevented my accident that damaged my spine and part of the nervous system. But I even think about that, and what would have happened if I did not use a ladder. It plays on my mind, day in and day out, why? I do not know but it makes me think where would I be now? My job prospects before the accident was around 8 months and I would have been transferred to the US company outlet, that is what might have happened… but to this day, it still puzzles me, and I always come to the same two words “What if?”. Is this part of how depression can affect a person? I do not know anyone to ask, apart from phoning the NHS Counselling or asking on these forums.

I am hoping someone could shed some light on these weird thoughts, it is stupid really I been married over 25 years and have 3 very talented children. Where is the logic in that and why am I thinking of paths that I could have taken, even before I become disabled?

I’m lost... and confused, but open to suggestions.



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10 Replies

  • Posted

    HI Les,

    Sorry you suffer so much.  The world of "IF" does not exist.  I tell myself this to help me not go down the dead end path of "IF".  

    My favorite five words are, "It Is As It Is".  

    I too suffer depression, the kind that never fully ever goes away, dysthymia. Kind of like carrying a low grade fever all the time.  I also suffer many ailments and am disabled snce age 27.  I am now nearly 58.

    I think what kicks off my thoughts of what "IF", is my age.  I have been reflecting about my mortality and going over my choices in life and wondering what to do with myself now and feeling it is too late to do anything major, or to reach my goals.

    Depression robs me of my joy and thus I do not think of the here and now enough to appreciate the great about now.  So I remind myself to count my blessings.  Taking control of my thoughts is my goal.  The negative thoughts born out of depression, an out of balance brain, cannot be trusted.  

    I hope even the smallest thing in this can help you.

    Dawn, USA


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    • Posted

      I .dwell upon how my poor health has defined my life and I try to buck up against it because I do not like it.  But it is as it is.  So, I ask myself, what am I going to do to overcome?
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  • Posted

    99 % of the population,have at one time in their life used the ""What If ""

    when thingd don' t turn out as they want, So you appear to head down the 

    Depressed road, What I have just read in your mail, is a deep inner rage,that 

    you let rip on the nearest thing, or person. ,and then use the old get out of "

    "I don't Remember" you probably do remember, but are ashamed to admit it,

    You are being drowned with tablets and medication, which will not clear your

    rage,at the situation you are in, apparently initially caused by yourself.


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    • Posted

      Hi Jacqueline,

      I do recall what happened on that day, but not in that much detail. I am not ashamed to admit what I did, but it has never happened to me before in my life. The whole matter was definitely, not me at all - Everyone that knows me, knows that I am a very placid person - anger is something I have never really experienced in my life. Which is why it surprised everyone that knows me.

      None of my family had ever seen me like it, it even frightened them, I am referring to my middle son 21 and my daughter 15. I remember stating I was going to jump off the nearest bridge (now, that is impossible), I am wheelchair bound, why I said that I don't know. Perhaps, it was a spur of the moment thing - I have never had suicidal thoughts in my life, even now I would not self-harm, I know paramedics have no time for people that do these things, but to me I can also see why under a chronic depression a person would.

      Actually, I just remembered something I did when I was in so much abdominal pain, I started running a bath and took a kitchen knife out of the draw in to the bathroom, but that was due the amount of physical pain I was in at the time. I was rushed in to hospital that day and was given a full dose of morphine to calm me down in the Ambulance, the pain was like a stabbing pain in the stomach. But in that was because I was dying from the inside out, over 50cm of my intestine was removed, because it had turned gangrene. That operation was on the Tuesday, by the Thursday I should have started to feel better but I became worse I could not keep anything down. Then I started becoming nauseous and throwing up bile, everywhere, the doctors rushed me back to surgery for a second operation, I was in no condition to sign the consent form, they had to phone my wife and asked her to come in to do it on my behalf. They told my wife that I may not make it out of surgery - eventually I come round in the Recovery Unit, I had an epidural fitted, morphine and oramorph. In the space of 3 days I had two major operations the second one was because part of the dead intestine had been touching my liver, so part of that was removed and another piece of my intestine was also removed again. I spent just over 3 weeks in hospital, the full recovery period was att least 10 months. I lost so much weight in that month and never felt so ill. I was also in remission from cancer which did not help matters.

      Even just typing this post has made me feel an emotional wreck, and all I have said about is things I have been through. Okay, everyone has bad times, and I always think there are many people much worse off than myself.

      I still don't know if it was all caused by all the medication I have to take a day, which is over 30 tablets, without counting the Sertraline. And then I also have Xeomin injections every 10 weeks, done by a Neurologist, please note this is not the same Neurologist that has the overall say in what medications I need to be on.

      Someone told me about SSRI's and the dose I take per day. When I got to see my Neurologist I could not remember the word "SSRI's", I called them SSDI's, of course he did not know what I meant - I am useless at remembering somethings. My wife has to give me my medication as and when required, I cannot be trusted. I do not even know what to take and when, I nearly overdosed myself in the past - not intentionally, it is just I get mixed up. Many of the medications I am on are Class "A" medications which I know are dangerous, and even on 2000-2500mg of Paracetamol a day! Which is close to the limit within 24 hours. I am on Amitriptyline, but not as a antidepressent - it was prescribed for pain.



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    • Posted

      Hello Les  , Time you had a mega review on yout table intake ,and to be

      told tab by tab ,what they are all for. My body is a pill hater, so I decided

      when a blood count result came back with damaged kidneys  and other

      "sick " organs, to stop taking all but two ,one for B P and a low dose

      sleeper. essential for me ,as I have really noisy Tinnitus which makes

      it impossible to drop off. My G; P but not for much longer ,decided to

      stop the sleeper without even telling me. When I had another blood test,

      the results were GOOD .the kidney disease was no longer there.

      as well as other problems Had also gone , I am surprised you can remember what day it is  with the cocktail of drugs you are taking 

      Time to get tough with whoever gives them to you, and don't let

      him fob you off. 

      Time to get your act together and start a new life, with your family. Lots of things for you to do out there. Remember there are no second chances ,, this is it . the gloves are on 

      Keep writing, I enjoy what you write shows you still have shed loads of 

      spirit biggrin


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  • Posted

    Hello Les, I do remember the post about the incident when you attacked your wife. I do not have any answers for you but i am sorry you have a lot of health issues to contend with, and that alone must be very difficult for you and your family to deal with. I am partially disabled and live alone so find life frustrating myself thou i do not have as much as you to deal with. I was pushed off a very high slide onto concrete

    when i was young and developed septic arthritis. I have had a lot of operations and my left knee replaced twice, my first AT 39. I too have thought about the what if's because my childhood could of been very different without that accident, i spents months in hospital, missed a lot of schooling, couldn't wear skirts shorter than midcalf, could't wear fashionable shoes and being a young girl felt isolated at times. Anyway i am now 59 and i have had chidren, thou widowed at 29 i never remarried. I have 2 grandchildren. It doesn't matter now that i cannot wear short skirts or fashionable shoes. In hindsight my life could of been different, but i am blessed to have what i have now. It does sound like you may have some inward anger and depression can be inward anger. Have you felt worse since you havebeen taking the Sertraline i wonder, not all AD are suitable. I myself don't take them anymore except when i am going through really bad times with my depression. I do hope you can appreciate the wonderful family you have. Have you thought about doing a mindfulness course. I am doing one at the moment and i am finding it very helpful. These courses are free to anybody and you do them at home on your computer. The courses are on the Futurelearn website. There are many to choose from, almost any subject. 


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    • Posted

      Hi Elizabeth,

      Oh my, you have been through a lot - I know so many people and what they have had to contend with in their lives is unreal. I have always got along well with my family, we are all very close. We have no grandchildren yet, the two eldest boys 25 & 21 are not interested in settling down yet, our daughter is only 15 and has a boyfriend for the past year, she is definitely not interested in starting a family, she is more career minded than anything else, shes already been offered jobs when she leaves school and others actually working with a teacher. They both have the same interests, they paint murals on walls - which pays good money.

      I had my accident when I was just 22 years old, and now I'm 53 - not much younger than yourself. Were you bullied when you were younger, over your problems? I know many things went on years ago, little did I know that bullying was going on much closer than I thought, which I did not know until last year, which totally shocked me.

      I don't think I am having any problems with the Sertraline, family said I was looking more like my normal self after about 2-3 weeks of starting them. In myself, I felt better but the emotional breakdowns I try to avoid, because I found by thinking of something else - seems to work. But it would be better if I could avoid the emotional breaks completely, perhaps next week when my doctor phones me back, I will ask if I can see her, she has always been a good doctor towards me.

      I did not know what a mindfulness course was, until you mentioned the website, it looks interesting - hit some of that grey matter away, as we would say. I will give it a shot. I used to be a MENSA member when I was 17, but that was IQ tests done by post and having examiners visiting your house giving you tests to do, but you did have to pay. What interested them in me was the IQ I scored being 165 which is high. If you compare me with Albert Einstein, he had an IQ of 160, but was a Theoretical Physicist - one thing people do not realise about Albert was he was also autistic. This is why many autistic children and adults have very high IQ's. But how your actual IQ is worked out is by taking a test, normally you have to answer many questions within 45 minutes, but the questions you get are never the same. To me that is not a very logical way of measuring the IQ of anyone, but that is how it is done. Strange, I know.

      I write quite long posts, they are not meant to be so long - and I don't sit and type them all in one go. I have to take breaks about every 15 mins or so, to keep my leg muscles from seizing up. My legs, ankles and feet swell up, which causes even more pain - which is why I have a hospital bed to keep my legs raised up.

      I am trying these days looking at things from a more positive angle than thinking negative thoughts which does bring me down.



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  • Posted

    Hi Les, You sound lkike a very strong man maybe you dont see yourself as strong however living in such pain can only but make you resilent! I have always had racy thoughst over thinking a lot of things I think it is my anxiety that with medication is ok however it doesnt go away what most people I guess w=ould not think much about I totally think about and it can sway my judgement/decision making when I was really bad I would think people were watching me and that I had to walk a certain way or try and be really normal which probably sounds real stupid but the mind is a wicked thing and I was told by counsellor not to belive what my mind always told me. Easier said than done I hope you can find comfort in this life my man !
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    • Posted

      Hi Stevo,

      Guess you're not the Stevo from the Jackass team? lol  Strong, so many people say that about me, and you say the same.

      You've hit the 'nail on the head', so to speak.

      Where you stated you think people are watching you, I have been there many times, because I am stubborn in some cases. I don't know much about you, but I asked someone like myself the same question and they admitted the same thing.

      What I am referring to is when I refused to be pushed around in a wheelchair, to me it meant people would look down on me, because I was disabled, so instead I suffered in pain for months using a quad stick, the problem I have is called dystonia (generalised) and it basically takes over your body, the more you try to fight it, the more pain you end up with. So, I struggled with a quadstick - thinking all the time I could get away with it. But with dystonia it is not easy. My left foot has twisted in over the years, my body around the hips keeps twisting to the left, this causes me to place 90% of my bodyweight on my right leg, while on my left leg just as 10% and I drag it, it's more commonly known as a bad gait when walking.

      In the end, I got to the stage where just putting on my legs on the ground became impossible, so I started using a quad push, I still refused to use a wheelchair. Well, in the end I had no choice, either stay in the house or wheelchair... That thing that I was so stubborn to use because people would look down on me, was what I was thinking for months of pain - (the pain at one stage become virtually unbearable that I nearly collapsed in a shop!) that was when I knew, I must use the wheelchair, and now I look back and think what a stupid idiot, people did not look down on me at all, it was all in my head. A majority of people go out of their way to help you.

      I suffered for months, and for what - a stupid head-strong idiot that was just so stubborn not to use a wheelchair, just because I thought I would be treated different from normal people. The stupid part about it all, is I have had a very bad gait for ages, roughly 30 years! I suffer from pain 24/7, but all I was doing was creating more pain on top, if I over do pain, it lasts nearly a week, and this could just be from a very bad muscle cramp, but last for days.

      But, I suffered like that because of what I thought, not going by what others thought, or more to the point what they were thinking.




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