Why am I here?

No one understands my home. Everybody thinks I come from a loving home. My dad has depression and has not gone to work for over a year. My mom has a hernia discal and always yells at me whenever I try to help her do house chores. She insults me and says I’m useless maybe she’s right. At work I repeat the same mistakes over and over again. My brother always insults me saying I’m fat. I’m a cow and useless to him. He tries to intimidate me whenever he gets mad. He will use his force to push me and twist my arms. A bout a year ago I got a picture from a man kissing a girl. That man lead me to believe he had feelings for me. In an attempt to find comfort in a friend I talked to Ismael and walked all the way to his home. I felt so alone and I told him my whole story and yes he hugged me and comforted me at first. This then lead to him touching my breasts and other areas. He then began to take off my underwear as I covered my vagina he said were already here. I said no and he kept insisting and made his way in. It was the most painful experience in my left. When I left his home I felt alone, scared and used. As I walked home in the dark I felt like the biggest idiot in the world. His ex girlfriend Jazmin added me on social media and accused me of sleeping with her boyfriend she began attacking me trying to make up drama. She had no idea what happened. I blocked her to avoid any confrontation. My escape was going to Mexico. I loved the bailes, the food and visiting family. They were my second cousins and I had only met them a couple times, but they were very welcoming. I met a boy named Salvador he was a cowboy he was very sweet and shy. I only saw him once but got a really nice feeling. The second time I went this changed. We began to dance and he bought me a flower. He asked me to go with him to his truck as he and his friend were leaving. This turned out to be a way for him to touch me. I pushed him away and he continued luckily we were in a parking lot and a car poked by and I was able to leave. I gave him the flower back. A year ago my aunt whom my brothers and I have always grown around made a comment during Christmas. Her husband added onto the comment stating I was a fool. This all happened at my grand mother’s house. I was not present. My aunt then decided to part away from the family. This only made me think she did think I was a fool. I was filled with anger. I tried to get over it as at the end of the day she is family. My 20th birthday came around and I invited her over for some cake. She didn’t show up. I became even angrier and wanted to part myself as well. I continued working and saving money to buy a car. My cousin became pregnant and told all the older women in the family about the situation. I was her only female cousin whom she grew up with. I did not get a special notice as I found out on Facebook. Apparently being a cousin isn’t important. My mom then became very involved with this pregnancy. I became angry at her as well. Why was she supporting the daughter of the person who called me a fool? Why wasn’t my mother backing me up. I was filled with anger. During my cousins gender reveal. I cried with anger because I did not want to be apart of the family whom insulted me and did not back me up. My mother made me go anyways. Do I even matter to anyone? Why am I still here? I’m full of so much hatred and sadness yet no one knows. What do I do? Who do I tell my story to? Would they believe me? May came and a there was a rodeo at the Eagle County fairoad grounds. I met this boy who took my out to dance he was so sweet and gave me his number. I didn’t think anything would happen. We began to know each other and everything went so quickly. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I really didn’t want to but I said yes anyways. I went to his house that night. What a stupid idea. He wanted to have sex I said no and he kept pushing he penis against me. I said I didn’t want to and he kept insisting I finally agreed but I was not happy. I told him to put a condom on but he did not want to and said everything would be fine. I was not so sure. Down the kind I found out I had gotten clymadia and it was the worst day of my life. I had recently found out this man was 31 and I’m 20. I was an idiot and I wanted to die. I hated myself for letting that happen. Did I really feel so bad I was losing touch with my values? Wtf am I doing?

1 like, 3 replies