Why are things not getting better?

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Got up this morning at 5am. Had 4 hours sleep. My memory is crap. Cant even make a cup of tea without something going wrong, like i forget to boil the kettle. Sat in a bath of cold water last night cause i forgot to put the hot water on.

Now my mum is ill. Has to go to hospital next week. I am terrified. And i feel so selfish. Heres me sat on my ass at home when she is working wondering what is wrong with her. I am so selfish i hate myself.

Want to get drunk but have no money to buy anything.

This is my fifth week off work, on tablets and therapy.

I am giving up more and more every day.

I put on a show to others but inside i am just an empty pit of despair and a total waste of space.

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  • Posted

    Emski,

    pls dont feel selfish, you need to concentrate on you, during my my depression both my parents had illnesses and yes i felt awful coz i worried more bout me and my probs than them, pls dont hate yourself, its so so natural, Emski when i split from ex, god i couldnt sleep for weeks, cried and cried, lost loads of weight, but slowly it become bearable, pls dont turn to drink, mate, i have a bad deal with it, still drink too much but hey, no answers come of it, just waking to feeling even worse, i used to drink myself to sleep, its not the answer but hey im no judge and jury, just pls try and be strong. Putting on a show, u dont have to , but if it makes u feel easier and proude then do so? dunno what im trying to say, as so many people say depression is an illness, just like any other, not a failure, i have suffered it and im not, Emski, mate been off tabs 19 days now cold turkey, thought i was fine yet on fathers day i broke down twice crying my heart out coz of my kids , yet i feel im stronger mentally now to cope, i adore my kids, would give up oen life if it meant it would better theirs , but look in that mirror and look again, Emski, for me these drugs helped me thru darkest days, i can cope now on my own, i feel lucky but mate, dont beat yourself up, it doesnt help and the drink is no answer, all i can say is that hey u r not alone, u r no waste of space, and u will get better, u will.

    When i 1st split i had a severe panic attack , rushed to hospital, i wanted to end it all, mum and dad in bits, i had a conversation with a nurse who said to me, i was like u 2 years ago, divorcing child hood sweetheart and she told me what emotions i will go thru, at the time went in one ear and i was inconsolable, but now her words r so so true, just wish i could buy her flowers and say thanks, it helped at time and does now, Emski, post on here, its amazing how good it feels talking to that keyboard, u will be ok, u will become stronger and everyone on here will be there, b strong and focus on something u like, anyone got any good jokes? Emski, if u need to blurt it out do it

    ja

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  • Posted

    Hi Emski, firstly, i would just like to say that we all have a point where we just snap , at some point or another , it can happen. Remeber that you are not well yourself, and it is by no way your fault that your mum is ill, therefore STOP WITH THE GUILT. Look after you. tale some time out for you, and when you are good and ready , try and talk to your mum, Mums can be amazing, sometimes they may seem so selfish , but they , regardless of anything you have done or have not done, just want you to be HAPPY and well. I am a mum of 2 young children , and Id hate to think that they would ever feel like , well the way i do at the moment. Just because no one can see that you are ill, does not mean to say you are well. Sometimes i wish people could just see, open there eyes a little and have more time for people.

    As far as I can see, (which is not very far beyond my nose :lol: ) i think society (Western) society is a very effing selfish planet to be apart off, yet being the hypocrit I am, love my comfort, :lol: when I have them.

    Emski, you will get better.....I am also getting help, and have just had my AD switched to something else. Try not to get drunk, its not good for you, believe me, I should know!!! Stick with the relaxation and the time off, you will come back....I say, still hoping 8)

    Emski (Yawn) sorry my story is a bit tiresome now, but last year my mum was very ill, she still is (poor mum) but has been nothing but a pillar of strength for me , since she has got rid of some pain. They can be surprisingly good, even if somewhat controlling. (My mum was a teacher , and I used to turn my back on her as she would shout at me in that tone, like a pure teacher!!! All i used to think was, I am not one of your pupils, I am your daughter). My mum retired due to illness and her classroom having got burned down to cinders last year. As an art teacher, she had all our baby toys and a lot of significant sentimatal items that went up in flames too. She lost all her hhard graft thate year, and got very little support from the education department.

    My point is Emski, no matter what your other relatives are having to deal with, you have to deal with it too, sometimes its soo hard, but you right now need you time. As you DESERVE time to get better, and one day be happy, hugs, katy.

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  • Posted

    hello everyone, just come across this site now- hope it can help! Recently had my dosage increased to 40mg, and I'm not really feeling any better. while i admit that I'm not feeling half as low as I have done, i've become really withdrawn again, would stay in bed most of the time if I could. I cant seem to concentrate on anything, my memory is a mess, and I have no motivation to do anything at all and I'm having huge problems sleeping. Is this normal? Is anyone else suffering from the same kind of things?
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  • Posted

    Hi hun, I know exactly how you feel. It si desolete! isolating and lonesome, Hopefully , the memory thing will gradually stop. I used to put the milk in the cupboard, to begin with, and then forget ...thinking where did I put it? Buy more and then find it in the cereal cupboard. To begin, babe, this drug plays havoc with the blooody memory. but it gradually , very gradually stops and eventually , you will have a good day. (She says, having the occasional few and addicted to Ipod). All I am sayingm is your not alone, though I feel so alone, but I just wish I could do my thirf year at Uni again and run off with the man that adored me. I wish I had not taken such a challenge in my life. I am glad that I found this site, but I hope to god(not that I would ever want to brelive in him) that lifecan be magic, Pulling an ex boyfriend , who i adored , out the blue box.

    hey hun, I am supposed to be changing my med, I cant do it, The pure fear of putting weight on, nah, nah, not doing that......sorry but i cant handle those issues. Once youve(well i my case, ) my beloved aunt , ewho I was extremely close to, died and was a size 18, Its in our family, so I aint taking a drug that may possibly put weight on....no way!!!

    I feel guilty all the time, but I know my children adore me, i adore them and love them too pieces. i have a very beatiful open relationship with my eldest, and my youngest is a pure cling on, always has been since the day she was born. i feel sad that dadddy cant see this, that daddy just thinks I am a looser. I am sooo tird of it. I am going on holiday, for my mums retirement , next week, when I return i want to takre every action t o get ris. id rather be on my own and incontrol. Signing of, me the control freak. keep up the meds and stay in touch. You will be okay if you could just escape, to find your own pleasures. Lots of love, Pleases sleep.

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