Why can't I control this stuff

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Where do I start apart from saying sorry for being on here yet again!!!. Why can't I stop these urges to self harm, meeting with CPN on thursday a lot of things discussed but I didn't own up to taking glass to work to cut myself if I couldn't  cope. Friday at work started ok, difficult customer my line manager took over then got told off for being rude. Went into difficult to describe but it felt like loads of ants crawling around in my head, mind going 1000 mile an hour, shut my eyes to try and deep breath but felt asif my eyes were spinning, took 5mg diazepam to try and calm down went to the loo's couldn;t stop thinking about the glass I had ended up cutting my arm to calm down. watching the blood felt good,back to work, walk out at lunchtime to help with calming down got soaked, suppose to decide that day whether to accept voluntary exit package, but the pension is not enough to live off, doesn't' cover my rent/ bills etc long story behind that so had decided it would be better for me to stay give me something to get up for and focus on, Cpn and psychiatrist hink so too. By the end of the day felt absolutley rubbish debating if it is the right decision, home got drunk yet again. Anyway sorry I'm going on a bit got up this morning, tidied up, put rubbish out, washed up etc  as the house looked a mess. Drive out to the coast to watch the big waves felt not too bad and I had actually done stuff. Home, fire lit and hit the bottle..Yes I know not a good idea I just hate who and what I have become. Will contact the psychiatrist  or secretary who is doing the assessment which I am waiting for the outcome of to see how much longer I've got to wait as all these things are piling up and I just want things finished, sometimes including myself. sorry again for the rant but I have tried writing this down spoke to my sister last night who tries very hard to understand but oh I just don;t know if any of this makes any sense as my head is going overtime. But thank you for listening just feel like being really bad.... xxfrown 

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5 Replies

  • Posted

    At least Saturday night takeaway is making me smile whoopee cheesygrin
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  • Posted

    Glad you're enjoying the takeaway, Tina!

    Have you thought - I mean really thought - about why you didn't tell your CPN about the cutting? Obviously, someone of your intelligence would know you can't be helped unless you're completely honest. So...?

    Sorry if I'm being hyper-logical here. I know nothing, of course, but this is the natural question for an outsider to ask.

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    • Posted

      No I understand why you ask, she does know that i self harm but I felt as if i was being rushed out the door, went over last appointment as I was very distressed during that one, discussed my crisis plan arranged next appointment given the next chapter on the Stepps programme i'm supposed to be doing and being rushed only lasted about 30 mins usually it;s around an hour, i was going to mention it but felt as if she needed to get rid of me, felt stupid as I always seem to be in a state, I seem to bounce from one thing to another never seem to be on an even keel. Maybe i'm still trying too hard I just don't know or over thinking. 

      no you're not being hyper logical I really regretted it afterwards but then it;s too late,,,will have to wait for the next appointment or i could text her on Monday..just to let her know. I;m not that good at this owning up to things I have hid or kept stuff to myself for so many years i find it hard to open up.

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    • Posted

      I do try and a lot of things make sense but my head goes off at a tangent still, quite often for no reason or I haven't sussed out the triggers then have great trouble seeing sense. Suicidal thoughts are rushing around my head now, where did they come from. Better go to bed should be safe there. Night all.

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