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Where do I start apart from saying sorry for being on here yet again!!!. Why can't I stop these urges to self harm, meeting with CPN on thursday a lot of things discussed but I didn't own up to taking glass to work to cut myself if I couldn't cope. Friday at work started ok, difficult customer my line manager took over then got told off for being rude. Went into difficult to describe but it felt like loads of ants crawling around in my head, mind going 1000 mile an hour, shut my eyes to try and deep breath but felt asif my eyes were spinning, took 5mg diazepam to try and calm down went to the loo's couldn;t stop thinking about the glass I had ended up cutting my arm to calm down. watching the blood felt good,back to work, walk out at lunchtime to help with calming down got soaked, suppose to decide that day whether to accept voluntary exit package, but the pension is not enough to live off, doesn't' cover my rent/ bills etc long story behind that so had decided it would be better for me to stay give me something to get up for and focus on, Cpn and psychiatrist hink so too. By the end of the day felt absolutley rubbish debating if it is the right decision, home got drunk yet again. Anyway sorry I'm going on a bit got up this morning, tidied up, put rubbish out, washed up etc as the house looked a mess. Drive out to the coast to watch the big waves felt not too bad and I had actually done stuff. Home, fire lit and hit the bottle..Yes I know not a good idea I just hate who and what I have become. Will contact the psychiatrist or secretary who is doing the assessment which I am waiting for the outcome of to see how much longer I've got to wait as all these things are piling up and I just want things finished, sometimes including myself. sorry again for the rant but I have tried writing this down spoke to my sister last night who tries very hard to understand but oh I just don;t know if any of this makes any sense as my head is going overtime. But thank you for listening just feel like being really bad.... xx
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