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it’s been a while since i’ve had one of those nights where i can’t fall asleep.. one of those nights where all those thoughts pile up and can’t leave my head. it’s very cold.. my body is freezing and my heart is even colder. i am beginning to truly realize how alone on this earth i am, and it really truly sucks.. why are there so many people yet anyone can feel so alone? i hate this feeling, and i can’t shake it no matter what i tell myself.. i keep trying so hard to have a normal life, good days, and be happy, but everytime i try something just happens to go wrong. something bad happens, and i’m back at the same place again. i don’t want to have to tell people i’m not okay, cause then they’ll ask why when you know deep down they could care less, and sometimes it’s just easier to lie and say you’re alright when really you’re on the verge of tears or you’re feeling heartbroken, useless, lonely, and yet you just think to yourself “just tell them what they want to hear, cause it’s so much easier than explaining why you can’t seem to be happy..”. and of course, i’ll have okay days, but at the end of them i always end up with these cold feelings and they don’t seem to go away.. i’ve said before if i could feel nothing i would, and i know that in life you need emotions, you aren’t always going to be happy, you’ll feel other things, sad, upset, just terrible and i understand it’s a part of life but what i can’t wrap my head around is why is it that i always seem to feel terrible, or sad, or upset..? and when i’m happy i think to myself “am i really happy? or am i playing myself?” i don’t think i’ve felt genuinely happy in a long time, or maybe it was that i never was actually happy..?
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