Why can't i sleep?

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It's 2.30am and i'm still wide awake. My mind is racing with nothingness. Had no problem with getting to sleep until now.

From this evening my world has gone steadily downhill and i am heading to that nice warm place....hell. Haven't been there for a while and don't like it much. It's like someone has greased my ladder and i'm slowly slipping down and down (almost in slow motion). Cooked my meal tonight, smelt it, felt sick and didn't eat it.........wasn't hungry.

Things are going in the wrong direction...why?

All positiveness has left me and its scary. Will now have to take diazepam to relax me........drastic i know.

Don't want to end it all but feeling desparately unhappy. Help. :cry:

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9 Replies

  • Posted

    MP,

    how you feeling now...only just read your post and hope you are ok???

    What day/week are you up to at the moment as I wanted to try and relate it to how I was feeling at that point.

    Try to think about yesterday if you can, did anything happen that might have got you thinking more than usual. Maybe the thought of moving departments is still on your mind, or the counselling?

    When im awake and cant sleep cos my mind is racing i find it useful to listen to an audio book. Its calming music and really relaxes me to the point i can drift off to sleep again naturally.

    The best advice I can offer is maybe take the day off work, avoid doing anything stressful and do some deep breathing exercises. Take the weekend to yourself and if you get any lower then maybe try calling one of the helplines: Google search \"depression helpline\" and you should find links to Depression Alliance and Supportline phone numbers. Im sure they will be able to help and support you to get you back on track.

    We're all here for you MP, just shout if you need anything.

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  • Posted

    Thank you so so much for replying HT. It's good to know you're out there somewhere.

    Thankfully things have improved slightly. I'm at week 6 and 4 days now. Sorry, that post must have been a bit of a shock......was to me too.

    I was fine until about 9pm. Was going to have a late meal as had to go shopping on way home from work. Not ideal i know. Wrote loads of posts to other sufferers. The headache i had had all day was still pulsating and this horrible feeling came over me.

    I am a natural worrier, can't change that, it's in my genes. Ice Maiden WAS on my mind. Don't know what her problem is but she won't even talk to me now without being very offish. I've tried really hard to be friendly to no avail. My rational side says ' stuff her, she's not going to bring me down'. Then the irrational side does the opposite.

    Spoke to my older sister this morning to make sure it's ok to take diazepam and prozac (she does). She is a fellow sufferer so i don't like to burden her too often, she has enough on her plate. She and you have lifted my mood a bit. Up that sodding ladder i go again.

    She did offload on me when i was normal which was fine. We have been very close for a number of years but she lives over 150 miles away.

    She sent a relaxing CD which last time i listened to it sent me to sleep with cordless headphones on. Trouble is i forgot i had it.

    I rang work this morning for the day off sick. Boss was very concerned, thought i was suicidal. Said i wasn't, just very down.

    Thanks again for replying. :?

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  • Posted

    MP,

    Glad you replied, worried you had gone to work in a bad frame of mind as that can set you back weeks. Its really not worth it mate.

    Im here, Im checking the site every 30 mins or so to see if anyone has posted anything. really helps me to cope when I see others feeling what I have....nice to know we're not alone.

    Week 6, was probably one of my worst weeks buddy. I believe I had some of my worst thoughts around that time....suicide, hurting myself and others etc. So believe me, i slipped down to the bottom of the ladder and had to start afresh.

    My approach was to do this:

    First stop - NO alcohol whatsoever, its jsut not worth it at all. Second stop - make changes around me to watch positive tv, listen to positive music and be with positive people, anyone who can make you smile. Third stop - avoid pessimistic people. I really think you are doing yourself no justice by trying to talk to the \"Ice Maiden\". She is making you feel worse about yourself than you need to. I know you are a worrier, but it sounds like you are making the effort to be on neutral ground but she is making it difficult for you, thus making your head spin. When you see her next, simply avoid contact and avoid thinking about her in any way possible. Then you will begin to forget shes there which will make you feel better and you can move on!

    Hope that helps?

    Its really good that you have your sister to talk to, they can understand your pain and anguish. My mum was a sufferer but talking to her is like talking to a brick wall as she is very sensitive about the subject, just wants to forget it happened.

    Anyway, sorry to ramble but if you ned anything - just message me.

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  • Posted

    Cheers HT, my anonymous internet friend.

    The booze has been on hold since week 2. Didn't react too well with flu. Won't try again for quite a while.

    Will be around good people at the weekend. Pity it's going to rain on Sunday, was going to the coast. Saturday's meant to be good but my mate is working. Sods law.

    Thanks for your kind words that i'm not going loopier than usual at week 6. It's just that i thought things had levelled. But i'm only really just starting my journey aren't i?

    Still find it hard to concentrate on TV programmes for more than about 10 minutes (especially with a lack of sleep!)

    Music is fine cos you just listen. Have loads of tracks on i tunes, some of them meditative.

    On the Ice Maiden front, i know what you mean. All these problems started when i ignored her for a week in December (before i knew i was depressed). I hear what you're saying and you're right. It will only be for 1 more week and i have to look after number one. Will give it a try and try not to feel guilty.

    You can keep rambling as often as you like. It's comforting and reassuring to read your posts. Thanks again.

    Take care and best wishes. smile

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  • Posted

    I am really sorry your not feeling good. I got like that just after xmas and it carried on for a while, this is now why I am on 40mg instead of 20mg. Flu seemed to work after around 6 weeks, But I started feeling bad again like that after perhaps, 12 weeks. . . not sure.

    I have a sister who is also on Flu, we talk, it helps, will see her this weekend which is good, we can cheer each other up.

    Hope you improve. xx

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  • Posted

    Thanks for your kind regards NC.

    You are all a great help to me. This episode really took me by surprise, damned depression.

    Will be seeing my dad for some of this weekend. When mum was alive i hardly knew him, she was a bit of a control freak (he is really easy going). In the last two years i'm making up for the last 45 years of not knowing him. He's 88, has cancer and i don't expect him to understand depression (thou i have tried!). He's good at making me laugh thou and it's the house i grew up in so i have many happy memories there. It's also so quiet compared to where i live.

    Take care and thanks for thinking of me. :roll:

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  • Posted

    Hi MP - only just read your message how ru feeling now? it sounds like your boss totaly understands which must be a big help. Its like a catch 22 isnt it with regards to work like sometimes u just cant be bothered but other times you think getting out helps you? well it does for me ha I hope today has been a bit better for you and keep posting ok and dont worry abt negative people they just are still in denial about how ill they actually are

    Take care love Nicki x

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  • Posted

    Hi Nicki

    Thanks for thinking of me. Seems like Friday was not a good day for a lot of us.

    When i read my original post now its scary. Out of ten i was about a -2. Really didn't know what was happening and all alone (literally). Now am about a +4 thanks to all you lovely thoughtful people supporting me.

    I like my own company at home but only for a couple of days. I prefer to be at work but find it so hard to do the simplest jobs. Memory is dreadful and concentration limited. Temper is short and get tired so quickly.

    Have you lost your headache yet? I still have mine (3 days). Bought some of that roll on 4 head you suggested. Also bought some herbal insomnia tablets. Last night had the best sleep i can remember for a long time with no enhanced help.

    Got very stuck in sudden snow yesterday and a 47 mile journey that usually takes an hour, took 2 1/2 hours. Main hilly roads were shut so had to use ungritted and very slippy B roads. Very scary for me and everyone else. Arrived at my destination and it hadn't snowed there, weird.

    Thanks again and speak soon. Think you are virtually at the same stage as me (6 weeks and 5 days) xx :roll:

    PS: Have taken my laptop away with me this weekend as visiting friends and can't leave this site alone even for one day!!

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  • Posted

    Hi MP im the same once i have woke up and put my laptop on i must check this website numerous times a day ha.. The snow hasnt been too bad in Glasgow think we got lucky for once but im heading home tomorrow back to sheffield for a weeks holiday so will see what the jouney down is like. Having a crap day today not sure why but rock bottom for some reason. Iv got next week off and im so glad as otherwise i might needed to have called in sick. Im not sure if to up my 20g or if its just a low couple of days? Anyway keep in touch thanks again for your message

    Love

    Nicki xx

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