Why did our friendship end? So confused
Posted , 3 users are following.
This is about a betrayal, a friendship gone terribly wrong, which caused a lot of trust issues within me and I need advice. Please bear with me.
Last year, I met this girl at a summer job and we clicked. (We’re both girls, 20).We started going out with mutual friends and got close. From the beginning she began confiding in me about her past. Abusive parents, sexually assaulted by family member, feeling lonely etc. I was her boss and I had been through similar things so I took her under my wing. At the time she started dating this older guy there who was higher than me. And I started developing this obsession where I want to fix her and make her happy. One day she asked me if I liked someone. I said no. She told me "I think I've a crush on you. Is it weird?" I laughed it off. Another time she said "I'm falling for you." I never took her seriously. We had a fight that lasted for a month (she thought I was there for her because I pitied her). One moment she’d say she’s addicted to me and the next talk badly behind my back. Anyway we made up when I showed up at her house once beaten up. She started to invite me over to her house while her parents slept. We would smoke and cuddle in her bed, then she'd sneak me out by morning. One day before I was about to leave, she kissed my forehead and said she loves me. Then she leaned in and kissed the tip of my nose and giggled and said "I want my kiss."
We'd cuddle and talk and play fight and even press our foreheads together. It didn't feel right. I had a history of dysfunctional friendships but I felt happy with her. Then one day her mom walked in on her leaning on me on her bed. Her mother called her disgusting and slapped her and beat her with the TV remote infront of me. I knew her parents were abusive and that's why I wanted to protect her cause I went through the same. I suggested we stay away since her mother thought we’re gay but she didn’t care. She called her mom crazy and kept seeing me every night.
She travelled back for college and would call me everyday and we’d speak for hours at night. She’d tell me she misses me and my cuddles, and how much she adores and loves me. How safe and comfortable she felt with me Sometimes she sends me revealing photos/videos of herself lip-syncing.Then we argued because her boyfriend (who she has a rocky relationship with) thinks I'm a bad influence on her, to which I said that I'll be away from her. She kept calling and left me a message* "If you leave me my life will be screwed up. You're so special to me, you're my entire world. We cannot be apart I can't live without you". She told me she feels her bf is cheating on her and she doesn't feel the same way she used to. And then she broke up with him.
Few nights later my mother kicked me out of the house and I spoke to her. I told her I had 2 months to find a full time job and I was going to apply for cabin crew. She told me she was miserable there as she was not working nor studying (got expelled from college for poor grades). She then had an idea; to travel with me abroad to a new college and move in together. She was worried about the finances bc her parents weren't supporting the decision. At that time I was working on part time projects as a marketing/event manager and I was saving. So I promised her that I will take care of her flight ticket and our dorm.
She was anxious for me to apply and we both got in (I got a scholarship). She had all these plans and dreams for us.
We used to speak everyday for hours on the phone. Few days later she told me she had a dream where we were fighting and then I kissed her lips. She said it felt good and "may become a reality when we move in together."
When we got there, We would fight from the beginning. I struggle with BPD and an alcohol addiction. I was angry at her for being irresponsible and careless about her studies. Sometimes she’d slap me or bite me really hard which drew flashbacks on me. One night, when I was drunk I kissed her on her neck and she didn't pull away. She pulled me in closer. Few days later she twisted the story. She then suddenly claimed that I tried to kiss her lips when I was drunk(wasn’t true)Then she asked me if I had feelings for her to which I replied No, I love you as a friend. Then we decided she should move out and live with another friend. Anyway it got worse. She had told me to go kill myself (knowing I had attempted with pills in the first weeks, and she had taken care of me). She began taunting me and using my abusive parents against me. Angry, I grabbed her by the neck and was going to strangle her, we fought physically and she began screaming for help. cops got involved and the uni began a disciplinary hearing against me.
We sat down to speak once after the police incident. I had secretly paid for her monthly tuition installment and she asked me why. I said because i knew her parents weren’t paying I wanted her to focus on her education and to live her life happily the way she deserves. A few days later, She said "we tried and it won't work out. I don't want you. I feel nothing for you anymore." When I asked her what I've done to deserve this, she replied "I cared about you. And I was in love with you but you’re not the same person I knew" after a pause she continued fast "as a friend."
For the next 2 months it was a push and pull game. I'd get drunk, chase her and try to fix it, she'd push me away and say she needs space if we were to fix it. I'd order her food when I knew she didn't eat, I'd leave groceries out her room, and she would accept it. She was acting bipolar. For 1 moment we would be okay. she'd say "I think I loved you too much that's why I hate you now." Or "I was sick the other day at the hospital and I wish it was you who was there with me." Then she'd abruptly start a fight out of nowhere, when she sees me with boys, and accuse me of speaking behind her back (though she knows that was not true) .
One day I accepted it was over I gave her a teddy to say goodbye. An hour later, she ended up going out with me and another friend to a jazz bar. (She doesn't drink btw). She got a little dizzy at the end, and held onto me for support. She asked me to stay the night with her if i wanted and wrapped her arm around me. We ended up cuddling her and sleeping next to her in her new room. We had another major fight after that (from her side) and I found out that She's also been going around and talking badly behind my back to boys especially, saying I was gay or obsessed with her, also spilling my secrets that I had trusted her with in addition to twisting them. I also found out that before she got close to me, she went and told mutual friends that I liked her. The top of it was, she reached out to my ex-bestfriend, the man who had sexually abused me and almost raped me, to extract information. She was the second person I ever confided in about this). She also called me a sl*t and said I lied to her because I "wanted it from him".
After all the problems she caused me, I left uni to go back home (3 wks before the end of the sem.) I lost the scholarship and have been suspended for a month. She kept calling me for the next few days, blocking and unblocking. She told me she was going back to her ex to get engaged because they love each other (but again I found out that was a lie as he had left her). She compared me to him "he may have cheated on me but at least he didn't lay a hand on me". She said how she had chosen me over him twice, and how she hated everyone because of me and can't trust anyone and that she'd return my money and clothes. The last thing she said was that we were both toxic for each other and to take care.
It's been 2 months, she blocked me off everywhere except FB. She hasn't made contact, though she asks a mutual friend whether I've spoken about her. I also know she still wears my clothes that I left with her, and also the ones I had bought her, and hasn't made an effort to return mine at least. She also speaks bad of me whenever she gets a chance.
From my side I did love her and care for her as a friend and I had a soft spot bc we had been thru similar things. (I'm an only child). We knew everything about each other and I kept her secrets and just wanted to help her.
I've accepted that the friendship is toxic but I want to try to understand why she's caused all this. I feel a part of me will always care of her, I saw myself in her. I wish to know what went wrong and if we’d ever get back together.
2 likes, 2 replies
Fulefafa katie38309
Posted
I know where you're at and i'm in the same spot.
I can't help you with advice since i still haven't figured it out myself.
My girl left me 3 days before we were going to marry and after 2 months i still have that clutch in my heart and throat and i feel devastated.
Right now i blame myself,to be honest that's the only thing i can logically come to.
I tried to give her advice,make her life move forward and cared and loved her,she had cheated on me the first few months we met and i forgave her hoping she would do better.
I was always angry,wanted to leave her but couldn't since she'd go back to where she was so it was impossible for me so i tried my best to "fix" her.She has done many other things i'd rather not recall and i haven't cheated once even though i had plenty of chances.
Katie it is our own fault for lying to ourselves,hoping they can become better even though our intuition tells us otherwise.
They're not to blame, that's who they are and it is wrong from our side trying to change them.There is nothing we can do,sadly.
We need to accept the reality and take care of ourselves.Focus on yourself and something good will come along.
I know you can never forget this so i'm not gonna say "just move on" and those cliche stuff.
Cherish the good times you had with her and don't forget those like you can never forget the bad times.
I'm sorry to hear this happened to you.
kathy00684 katie38309
Posted
I hear your pain and confusion and I am sorry that you are in this place. I haven't gone exactly what you have gone through...but I I have had big losses and have been toxic when I was younger.
You wrote, " I've accepted that the friendship is toxic but I want to try to understand why she's caused all this."
I consider you in a state of grieving. Death isn't the only way we lose people. So if you can maybe see that you are going through a grieving process, it may make sense to you more...maybe not. But I will throw it out there.
When you lose someone you love, you will grieve. Though you accept it...I honeslty learned that "acceptance" of a loss is a journey. It isn't in one moment or a day. There may be times you feel that you accept it...and then are just blown away by pain or anger. That's a grief process. I wish there was a way to make it go faster or for us to never have to go through. For me....it never was logical when I lost my soulmate. I was all over the place emotionally and felt crazy at times. I wanted to get through it intellectually. But those hearts...they aren't too logical.
Time is what it took for me. People would tell me that...and I didn't want that to be true. I tried to shorten the time...but grief doesn't listen to how fast you want to go.
I hope that you find a friend to help you....a different friend. I was blessed with one friend that stood strong and by my side through my grief. And talked me through the times I thought I couldn't breathe without my soulmate.
I eventually learned I just had to cry. I hated tears and I hate crying. In little increments...I would discover I went almost a day without obsessing over my loss. Then a day. A few years later, I have built a new life...with some days in a year of feeling so lost. It happened so gradually. I have anniversaries etc that can get me down...times of year that were special that sitll affect me 6 years later. But without that intensity in the beginning.
I won't say anything more at this point. I just want to see if you can see that you are experiencing grief.