why do I drink

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I'm 32. I have been fighting with booze and weed for 20 years. I use alcahol to avoid everyday problems. My buisness is just about finished. I ruined my relationship with my kids mom. I attempt to bring women home, but I'm always to drunk. Thank god. I'm depressed, sometimes suicidal. I know pot isn't a big deal but I use it to numb myself. It's almost as bad as the booze. I'm so embarrassed of myself I just want to crawl in a hole and die. I'm sick of my poor choices and the way alcohol has Sucked my life away. I no longer have hobbies, dreams, or goals. My reputation is destroyed. Dry out and a a and council ing is no help to me. I'm very immature, I feel that this is from using substance to avoid real life. I'm sick of waking up at 4 am with anxiety and panic attacks. I'm sick of being lonely. I'm sick of being stressed. I feel that this would all go away if only I didn't drink. I just keep getting worse. I had a friend who killed himself and so I know the pain this causes. I don't want to die anyway.i just want to be happy for once. And sober. I just want to live again. With no guilt or shame and know where and what I did the night before. I'm such a weak person so i guess I'd like to know how other people deal with this. Good or bad.

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16 Replies

  • Posted

    Hello Travis

    I have just been reading your post and it sounds exactly like you are describing me. I am 42 and have been drinking very heavy for about 20 years. I have just recently been suspended from work because my attendance is terrible. I am either still drunk or way to hungover to go into work and do my job. I am falling out with my friends and family all the time and i have started to get a terrible reputation in the area i live.

    I also suffer from anxiety attacks and feel like i spend a lot of time being frightened. I have also ruined all my hobbies and all i do is make every excuse under the sun to have a drink. I am very weak and have tried in the past to cut my drinking down and fail everytime.

    I feel lately like i have hit rock bottom. This is not how i want to live my live. I have no ambitions, no dreams anymore. I have just gone past caring about anything.

    I don,t have any confidence anymore and feel like everyone does not like me. I drink to hide away from this and all my problems.

    I also lost a friend 18 months ago and feel so lost without her. I have probably gone more off the rails since then.

    Today i went to the doctors with a friend of mine and explained all about my drinking. The doctor is going to arrange some counselling for me and i am going to try and get to the very bottom of what is so wrong with me.

    The doctor has told me not to suddenly stop drinking but just try and cut down.

    I have got to the stage where i want to help myself now. I know it is going to be very hard but i am so unhappy.I am not in a good place at all at the moment. I am losing everything. I just hoping i can change my life around. Maybe we can help each other

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    • Posted

      Ya. That's how I feel. I'm just shattered. I'm a grown man with tears running down my face right now cause I don't know what to do. Anxiety is a huge issue for me. I've shut everyone out and I feel so alone. It's pretty tough to see the plus side of things sometimes.
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    • Posted

      It is very hard to see the plus side of things. I totally understand what you are going through. I have been so selfish and i shut everyone out too. Anxiety is very frightening and i drink to stop it but when i sober up the anxiety is terrible. Lately i dont ever seem to be sober. Would you not think about going to see doctor. I had to today. I have hit rock bottom. It is awful feeling this low

       

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    • Posted

      Well I tried the doc before and they just gave me antidepressants that made me rage. So I stopped. I did set up an appointment for counciling, can't hurt. What did the doc say to you? Thanks by the way for your replies. It's nice to know I'm not the only one.
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  • Posted

    I went to the doctor this morning and i was very honest. A friend came with me. I told doc how i felt and how low i am and said exactly what i drink a day.

    The doctor thinks i need some counselling because i am blocking away the real reason i drink so ever. I really don't know what i am blocking away and why i drink so i think the counsellor might be able to help me.

    The doctor also told me not to pack in drinking but try to pace myself and drink less. I am going to have a drink tonight but i am going to try and be in control of the drink and not let the drink control me. Then i need to serioulsy look at my life and try and get some hobbies back that does not involve drinking.

    The doctor told me over the next 7 days i have to one nice thing a day for myself and write it down and go back a week today to talk about how i have managed over last 7 days.

    I said i don't feel like i deserve a treat each day but i was told by doctor it is an order. I came out of docs and i have booked a hair appointment for Saturday. Even that felt like an effort and i think everyone is staring at me all the time.

    I have it in my head that everyone is against me. I really dont know why so i am constantly on the defensive and after few drinks i get nasty to the people i care about.

    To be honest i just drink everynight until i pass out which is no good for my health and i struggle to concentrate in work. If i go out to the pub i have no idea how i get home and who i have upset and i am so ashamed the next day...so i do it all again!!! In my local pub i must be known as the drunk. People commenting on my drinking all the time which makes me drink more.

    What will you do tonight? Try and do something positive. Do something for you.

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  • Posted

    There ARE solutions and many people who will give you support on this forum, Travis. Have a read around, paying attention to posts about Nalmefene (Selincro), The Sinclair Method, which uses Nalmefene and also about alcohol detox which you probably already know about.

    The most important thing I can say is that the reason you got into trouble with alcohol is that you have a medical condition which pre-disposed you to it. Do NOT beat yourself up about it, it is NOT your fault that you got into difficulty. Yes, it is your responsiblity to find a solution, but you didn't choose or cause your problem. There ARE answers and you will find a number of them within this forum from people who are experiencing a great improvement in their life after finding those solutions.

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  • Posted

    Dear Travis and Debbie...I so, so feel for you both, Paul is right, you must never beat yourselves up because of your drinking...NO-ONE chooses to become an alcoholic...it is the most loathsome and frightening situation to be in, every single day is terrifying !!!

    Please believe me, you CAN GET YOUR LIFE BACK...

    I was EXACTLY THE SAME AS YOU BOTH ARE...

    I had a terrifying alcohol problem...I was near death many. Many times...I was sectioned into a MENTAL HEALTH HOSPITAL four times, I was terrified every time to have no alcohol....but within a week of treatment the terrible shakes and awful Panic dISAPPEARED...it was wonderful, I could look at myself in the mirror again, and I began to feel well...each time on section I was held for months, but the fourth time ( and the longest. ) most certainly !!! Saved my life and sanity....I also had a wonderful, wonderful community alcohol nurse for very many years, she was fantastic and very warm and understanding..my psychiatrist also was like a friend, he never, ever, ever gave up on ME. ..

    I was a desperate !! alcoholic for ten years, like you I thought that everyone hated me, but believe ME I was so, so wrong...

    I have. Now been well for more than twelve years...my whoLE LIFE HAS CHANGED....I am very open about my problem, I am not ashamed to talk about it to anyone, and I have also been able to help others in the same situation...

    It was not easy...lots and lots of slips on the way, but with timE, it gets a lot easier

    ..

    The most important thing to remember is IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT IN ANY WAY, YOU DID NOT CHOOSE THIS, AND YOU HAVE NOTHING TO REPROACH YOURSELVES FOR....IF YOU HAVE SLIPS, JUST PICK YOURSELF UP AND CARRY ON.....

    telling family and friends that you are trying and hold your head up high...you can and will do it....

    If you do slip ( we all do sometimes. ) ask your family just to support you as you are really trying....

    I wish you both peace of mind and better health...never give up, no matter how many slips...you CAN DO IT AND YOU DESERVE TO....YOU ARE WORTH AS MUCH AS ANYONE ELSE...XXX

    Please, please keep in touch, big big, big hUGS TO YOU BOTH XXXX

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  • Posted

    Dear Travis. NIce replies to you and DO read all of the again and again since these people genuinly wish to help. I stopped stone cold since I had hit rock bottom and had too much too loose. Yes, indeed but not everybody should try this and many need medication and on this matter Paul below can help you. Best of luck to Travis for ALL OF US
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  • Posted

    Can I just say how beautiful it is to watch people connect with each other on an honest, real level on this site?  

    Just talking about this with others the way you are here is a great first step, Travis.  Keep talking! 

    Big hug to you

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    • Posted

      I agree with you ArtGirl. I like that people here don't dictate to others the way they MUST do things (unless it involves their safety) and people respect that people are not all the same and that different methods work for different people. It's a very supportive forum with no overbearing characters bossing others around.
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  • Posted

    Hi, Travis, so now you got that all written down - well done. Maybe just doing that will help you. Read what you've written over and over and notice that you really don't want to be as you are. And you know how you want to be. That's a good first step. It's unlikely that change will happen overnight but maybe you can make a s,all change each day to get closer bit by bit to where you want to be. Good luck
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  • Posted

    Wow. Thank you all for your replies. I made the mistake of leaving alcohol in my house. So that was a fail. I knew I should have dumped it. I guess today is a new day. I had some yard chores I really wanted to get done and I started but for some reason in my clever mind I decided to drink. Just one right? So now I've gone over all of the replies, and reread what I had originally posted. Tons of great advice and support. I'm really grateful for that, I wish I had better news but like I say I slipped again within a couple days of trying to quit. I'm looking forward to going to counciling, but I have to wait until Monday. I don't think it's gonna cure this but mabye it will give me some better insight in managing this thing. As I said before I appreciate the support and advice from all you kind people, and i will not give up. Your words are not wasted.i wish the best for all that are struggling, and look forward to the day mabye I can offer advice and wisdom that can help people. This is not the end. It is not the beginning of the end. But it may be the end of the beginning.
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  • Posted

    Ok you slipped a bit, but take pride in the fact you've admitted it. We've all been there. I used to think "I'm useless and a complete failure, I've let everyone down yet again, so I'll have a drink which will help me forget these negative feelings" yes very temporarily it did, but not for long and the cycle goes on and on. I had to learn to accept the slip ups and not dwell on the past. So concentrate on one day at a time, don't keep dwelling on slip ups, onwards and upwards and you'll get there
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