Why does everything feel so pointless and unreal?

Hi. This is my first post here and I'm not sure if I'm posting the right place but this might be anxiety related from what I've read, but what do I know. Okay so, my name isn't Clairo I just wanna stay anonymous. Please don't look up my IP address lol. I'm 18 and about 5(?) months ago I started feeling some really overwhelming unreal/surreal/numb/dissociative/dp-dr like feelings. I didn't know what it was in the beginning but I've been reading soooo much about it and it makes me a bit more calm to know that I'm not the only one who's struggeling with this. In the beginning of September(?) I went to the psychiatric emergency response because I sent some worrying messages to my mother and she wanted me to go. I gotta be honest, I feel a bit pathetic and stupid for that now because I wasn't feeling that s****y at that time, at least compared to now. I was really suicidal but otherwise I'd say I was fine really. But they set an appointment to a psychiatrist (or psychologist I'm not sure what the difference is.) I went there to talk with them a week later. Also I should say, I've had OCD for seven years. It's not that bad now as it was but it's still bothering me. It's always there. Well, they told me that my OCD and suicidal thoughts was caused by some family issues and that nothing's wrong with me. They told me I'd feel better again when I fix my so called 'family issues' LOL. But I don't have any family issues... They just totally ignored me and kind of made up their own problems for me? I don't know what was going on. I'm really quiet, I only speak if I get asked. And they kept asking into my step dad, who I hate, but that's not why I came there... They just simply ignored me really. They were bad psychiatrists/psychologists I'd say. But maybe it was just a misunderstanding. But well, the funny thing is that my stepdad came into my life five years ago and I've had OCD for seven years. So they were obviously, sorry for my language, dumb retards. It still makes me a bit mad to think about to this day. Well, when they told me all that bull then I started feeling those dissociative like feelings I describer earlier. I felt like I was just disappearing, like I was just falling into some hole and all the colours became brigther. It was strange. But then my dad said my name and I kind of came back from that really dark hole but it was still there. Everything's been feeling really surreal and strange to me since that day. It's been getting worse everyday. I started to skip school more and more and now I just quit it because I went weeks without going. I feel so hopeless, random overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and I just see no reason in going on. Some stuff happened. I went to another psychologist the 14th December 2017 and it went better. I was able to explain better, I told her about the other ones I talked with and the unreal like feelings I've been feeling. She mentioned depersonalization/derealization. I had already read about that but I'm still not sure if that's it. I just find it so hard to describe how I'm feeling at this point. I'm kind of just here really. When I'm outside, I don't realise I'm outside. I can stare at one spot for a really long time without even realising it. It's pretty s**t. Last week I went to some other psychiatrists and they were really sweet and understanding. I had to go to talk to them because they thought I might have a psychosis. I really don't think I have a psychosis but I went anyway, got nothing to lose. They didn't exclude a psychosis because I have some of the early symtoms of it - urge to isolate myself, difficulty telling reality from fantasy, awake at night and sleeping at day time, overwhelming anxiety, not caring about hygiene, mood swings, extremely occupied by religion. Now I'm just waiting for a letter to another psychiatrist... I'm really tired of this. I've been going to so many psychiatris in my life. Due to OCD, suicidal thoughts, depression and now this. A typical day for me is; waking up really late, staying in bed for a few hours, eating dinner or whatever I find, listening to music, smoke, drink soda, go to bed, be on my laptop for a few hours for noreason, going off at about 2 am, staying in bed staring at the ceiling for hours til I fall asleep.

I'm sorry for writing so much. I just don't know what to do anymore. There's just no hope, no matter what people tell me. I just don't feel it. I feel like everyone just secretly hates me and it's really annoying. If you got any other questions, please ask. Thanks.

Clairoooo.

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