Why don’t I deserve happiness?
Posted , 5 users are following.
Hi,
I am a 20 year old male which suffers from anxiety and depression. I lost my purpose of life and I don't feel like I'll get it back. I feel like I'm too fragile and sensitive for this world. 3 years ago everything started and after a time I lost my entire life. Every thought inside my brain there are influences of a strong negativism. It feels like some sort of blanket which is around me which I can't put off. Sometimes I feel like I want to rip my skin off because of this. I can't take zero pressure. I lack a lot of discipline where I hate myself for. I have social anxiety my entire life. I have zero mental energy left. When I am outside my stress level is gigantic and have lots of anxiety. Every day is the same and nothing changes. Therapy doesn't work and medicine either. I am broke because I can't work. I have zero chances for getting a relationship ever. I suck at my hobbies and have no talent. I can't handle emotions properly and often I feel like a zombie because of that. I can't take anything what does something with my body (alcohol, caffeine, lots of sugar) or I get high anxiety and derealization.
Why do I deserve this? I suffered from mental abuse for 10 years at home. I did drugs after that with a few bad trips and now I am rock bottom for ages. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting punished for that and I deserve to live my entire life in this mess. I have zero luck.
0 likes, 10 replies
BeckiM88 Contakt2
Posted
Hi Emotinium,
It sounds like you've had a bad start in life, and thats not down to you. Of course you don't deserve to feel like you are. Your choices on how to deal with your past by taking drugs are entirely normal and you have done amazingly to come out the other side.
The problem with taking drugs is that it stops you from dealing with your emotions so that you can try to get past them. This is probably why everything is coming out now.
Not having alcohol or drugs is such a brave and intelligent choice to make.
You've got your whole life ahead of you now to be able to try and live for. There is happiness out there but you have to believe in yourself. The emotions you are feeling are ok to have right now. Try not to feel ashamed, let them be there and hopefully you can come out the other end.
Don't give up or you will have let whoever abused you win.
I hope I haven't gone on too much!
Becca
Contakt2 BeckiM88
Posted
That's true. It's hard for me to see other people around me having fun. Not like they don't deserve it, but it's hard to confront, because I see myself constantly living a miserable life.
I know it is some sort of logical that I did the drugs stuff, but indeed it hasn't helped me. I also know why I did and that's because I could strive away from reality.
It's not like I don't want to take a drink, but my inner self just doesn't let me.. But I only want to take a drink when I full comfortable and better anyway. Just going to bars with friends is actually a goal for me... I also think it is healthy on my age to go out. I just miss everything life have to over. Today I saw a friend which I didn't see for ages and when I hear all the exciting stuff he is experiencing it makes me sad and angry on myself. I know everyone has there not so fun things, but still they have also fun stuff in there lives.
In my current situation there is no way I could experiencing and enjoying nice stuff. I tried a lot of stuff before, but I always got pushed back after a while, because I couldn't handle it. My mental condition is low and even after a conversation for like 30 minutes I have zero energy left. I feel like I can't get lower in my life then this... I just don't where to start anymore and what I could do better. My lack of discipline nowadays is mostly because I can't get any motivation to go further, because I can't accept myself. I experienced so much stuff and thoughts in my mind which makes me tired. I'm also afraid that if I lose control of myself I'll do stupid things. Things that aren't truly me, but it feels like I have to fight against it for some kind of a reason. Sometimes I experience crazy thoughts of hurting someone I care about for example. It makes me feel like a crazy idiot which is far from the person I want to be. This all is only happening inside my head and some parts are hard to talk about in real life.
BeckiM88 Contakt2
Posted
Hi Emotinium,
I think that you are stronger than you think. Having the strength not to have drugs or drink is the easy and destructive way out for you, but you want to make your life better. That takes strength and courage to face up to things.
It's good that you are still seeing people sometimes. It's ok to want to have the things that other people want, but you can do this with time. It may not feel like it now, but 20 is a great age to be. You have the whole of your adult life ahead of you. So just focus on spending some time to get yourself better and once out the other end you will be wiser and appriciate things so much more.
Having thoughts about hurting other people or other people being hurt is quite common, so I'm told! I do have them sometimes but they are only thoughts, you aren't acting on them. Try to ignore them, but definately don't worry that you are a bad person because of this. Actions speak louder than words. It's what you act upon and do that matters.
Try to get out as much as you can and see people. Take baby steps and push yourself a little more when you feel able. Going out to a pub when you're not drinking can be daunting, but if your friends don't already know why, if they are true friends and you tell them then they will be supportive. Telling people you trust how you feel is scary, but it also takes a lot of pressure off of you as you don't have to hide it and they can help.
Becca
Contakt2 BeckiM88
Posted
Yeah, they say that this a great age, but I think differently now. I have zero freedom in my life because of all the mental problems I suffer from. I feel like I mis so much stuff and that I won't be able to catch all the things up. It makes me sad and feel like a complete failure. I hope I'll be strong and wise one day of all the stuff I've been through, but that's just a dream for now and it feels far away. I lost my entire self esteem and trust in everything in life.
Yeah, I know it's quit common, but it really makes me insecure. They are nothing like I really want to handle things and like the person I am. But I feel like I need to fight against it and that makes me feel very stressed and tired. Actions speaks louder then words indeed, but I'm anxious that maybe one day I'll do something I would regret.
My friends sort of accept me for the person I am, but I sadly rarely see them. It's because I just can't keep up with there lifestyle. There is always something that I don't feel ok, so it's hard to enjoy the time with them as well. It's rare to find someone who fully understand and accepts you, because it's very hard (and I understand that) to understand my situation. It's a tough situation and mostly family wise I have a lot of problems. Only my mom understand me and try learn to learn from stuff so she could help me the best way she can. The rest of my family is very performance oriented and having a good job etc. is very important. I feel like I'm a outsider from them. I feel a lot of pressure from them that gives me lots of stress.
BeckiM88 Contakt2
Posted
Life doesn't start at 20. Everyone is still learning and growing in their own way. Accepting who you are and knowing that things take time to heal, working towards getting better, I think all of this will help you move forward slowly and get you to where you want to be. We can't be other people, we can just do our best to work on ourselves to get where we can in our own time.
Even if you feel like you can go for a small walk yourself or with your Mom, it will get you out of the house and you could try setting yourself small goals like that to build yourself back up.
If your friends are still there for you then don't feel like you are a burdon on them. They obviously care about you.
nasra1 Contakt2
Posted
Hi Emotinium,
First of all, you should acknowledge your strength for surviving 10 years of abuse.
Sometimes when our lives get hard, we forget to appreciate the good things in life and our good qualities. You deserve to be happy, everybody does. However, sometimes we feel so down that we only focus on the negative. Just look at how much you accomplished. Even though you are not at the place you want to be in your life, you are still hanging on. Everybody deserves a relationship and I am sure you will find somebody wonderful. Focus on your good qualities first and try to find the place you feel most comfortable with. Sometimes it's good just accept the situation for what it is and make the best of what you have. You are judging yourself to harshly and you should give yourself a break. your mind needs to heal and do not forgot that trauma can have a long-lasting effect on your life. Try not to be alone too much and surround yourself with good people. Also, do not give up! I understand how loud silence can be, just do not lose yourself in the process.
Should you ever need a listening ear, I am always here!
Contakt2 nasra1
Posted
Yeah, I survived that and I couldn't change a thing back home. I was too afraid to let my family behind because of what could happen to them. I was only a little kid so it was a tough choice. I kinda processed it though due of therapy, but the type of person it has formed me is still affecting my daily life. But I don't know 100% sure if I could blame it on that though.
I can't enjoy anything in my life and I hate the character I am so it's hard to impossible to focus on positive things. I really can't make the best out of this... Sure I have good qualities, but there camouflaged away. Sometimes I have random evil thoughts in my mind which makes me super anxious and nervous. I know that isn't my healthy me, but it's tough to deal with. There is a battle inside my head playing 24/7..
hypercat Contakt2
Posted
Hi I think you are much too young to say meds and therapy don't help as you can't possibly have tried every med and every type of counselling. I would persevere with these as they can help you. Don't forget it took many years of abuse for you to feel like this so it can take years for therapy (the right kind) to start helping.
What triggered this off 3 years ago? x
Contakt2 hypercat
Posted
I think I can say no medicine is going to work for me, because everything that does something with my mind makes me more anxious. Therapy I may could get more out of it, but I tried so much and still nothing has worked. I'm doing therapy for 2 years twice a week now..
Yes, abuse was long and it has formed me more negative and anxious. But it's like rooted in me and I don't have much trouble looking back to that period anymore, but it's just like that made me another person then I actually wanted to be. Everything triggered of with a bad experience with weed and after that a couple hyperventilations. My anxiety and depression is constantly changing it's shape, but not in a good way especially depression. I'm losing the hope by the day that I'll be fine.
sam18386 Contakt2
Posted
have you tried getting support for the abuse? that's why i think (please don't take my absolute word on this), that you can't cope easily. i'm not being rude just honest.