Why I cope with alcohol...want sympathy...lol

Too much going on.

I worked for a company for 19 years...making 100k a year on a high school diploma.  The last 7 years were really difficult and the company restructured...which landed me in not being laid off...but putting me in a job I detested.  The point of that was to "push" the people over 50 out of their high paying jobs to bring in the younger college educated folks and to pay them less.  I went thru h*ll in the last 7 years.  I had a boss finally in the last 3 years that saw what was happening to me.  False allegations of misconduct (from jealous woman employees).  My whole period working there prior to this time frame I was the "star" player....The last 3 years I walked on egg shells.  I was not drinking...Did not start until 2014...at the end of my career.  I had received a warning...the year before this...and it was bogus as pointed out by many of my collegues.  After walking on eggshells from 2013-2014...they dropped the warning...and told me I would be placed back on 1st shift (where all the trouble began).  They had put me on 2nd shift prior to this to ease the discontent.  I had a nervous breakdown about going on first shift...decided to have a drink one night after 8 years of sobriety.

Over the years...my husband abused me for 10 out of 20 years.  I was raped 2x once at 17 and once at 20.  My youngest had open heart surgery.  My oldest has had 2 major life threatening car accidents.

I went out on stress from work in 2014....and never went back.  They offered me a severance package.  I took it.  And the drinking began.

My current situation...out of work for 2 years.  The Human Resource Dept suggested at the time of my severance that I apply for Disability...they said I had many issues that shown throught the last years that would qualify me for Disability.  I hesintently applied for the company Disability and was approved.  This approval gave me 65% of my income...

Then the Disability Insurance company insists I apply for government disability to subsidize their payments.  I am currently in over a year of applying for government disability.  My conditions are:  Alcoholism, Major Depression, Depression, Anxiety, Social Anxiety, PTSD (diagnosed by the state Dr), Fibromyalgia, Colitis, COPD, Asthma and Insomnia.  The drinking has set me back in approval because I was scheduled to go to a Pulmonary Dr in Jan (the month I almost drank myself to death) and I didn't go.

So the Long Term Disability that I am on with my company...only pays for depression for 2 years....My 2 years is up in June.  If I am not approved by them for the other conditions (which means I must keep up with frequent Drs. appts).  Than I will be cut off of all pay (stressful).  And getting approved by the government is also KEY to keeping the long term disability from my company. 

The government process is 3 steps.  I have been denied at step 1...Currently I am waiting for a "denial" at Step 2 because I failed to show up for their Pulmonary exam because I was drinking.  Step 3...I go in front of a judge and he makes the final decision.  All of this is too stressful.

On top of this...my boyfriend is addicted to a substance which drives me nuts and we recently have been on the verge of calling it quits.

my children stopped talking to me (2 boys 30 and 27)...when they realized 2 years ago I was drinking again. I have 2 grandchildren I am not allowed to see because of the knowledge that I drank again.  My granddaughter is 1 and I have seen her 2 x.

My mother and I are arguing...and I have never received any support or concern or caring about losing my career after 19 years from either of my parents.

I have one sister who I was always close with until she slept with my husband years ago...I have been trying to mend that relationship...but it is awkward and yesterday I was fighting with both her and my mother at the same time.

My counselor cancelled my appointment for today and she does that frequently.  I have NO ONE in my life that I have had...and when I did have them the relationships were always strained. 

Getting my income shut off...will mean losing my house.  I'm a mess.  And I guess I just want confirmation that I SHOULD be a mess.  But, I am not drinking.  I have volunteered to take random drug tests to prove to the government and my long term disability that I am not drinking now.  I'm doing the best I can...and just waiting for the validation from the government that I am struggling and am unable to function in any capacity at this time.  I am scheduled for a memory exam because my brain MRI was "abnormal".  When asked the most troubling symptom I said my memory.  I forget what I had for breakfast by mid day.

With the current colitis...I can't even leave the house because I always need a toilet.  I do leave the house thou...but feel like I need depends.

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