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why me?

Posted , 5 users are following.

sam18386
sam18386

Hi everyone I hope you had a lovely Xmas, mine was ok but now my world has been turned upside down. I wonder why I bother living some days I should have died the day my dad did, he would have looked after me in heaven I'm sure. I do everything for everyone on my own for someone to ruin any happiness I've ever dared to have. Why did the b****** who raped not kill me too? He's ruined my life and wrecked any happiness I've ever had, I now don't know how to feel happy, I just feel constantly sad, disappointed and a failure to everyone. Please help me feel happy, at least a little bit, all I want to do is jump and end my life as I can't put up with this upset any more. Everyone else is happy why can't I be? I may as well be dead, at least I'd see my dad every day then, he'd make me smile! I'm sorry if I've ruined your evening, can't I just go, PERMANENTLY?

0 likes, 13 replies

13 Replies

  • Survivor_J
    Survivor_J sam18386

    Posted

    Hi Sam,

    Have you shared these thoughts with your GP?

    You can't get rape to leave you but you can get rape to be a past that you are aware of that does not decide your future. 

    But out this does need to be worked through. I does mess you up more so if you don't let it out and see it in an entire chapter. You did get up after & it did finish. Our escape after the event is a part of what happened we don't give ourselves credit for. 

    I never felt complete, whole or good enough until recently in counselling I found a part of me that I had left behind. I had neglected and blamed a part of me that had not just done nothing wrong but did a lot to try and prevent the rapes. My 15 year old self was a feisty, outspoken beautiful young lady. She shrunk into a frumpy anomaly that didn't have her own life & so dedicated it to helping others. She took 27 years to stop and insist that she be released. 

    i had relived the rapes for years and had taken it as given that I could not leave until I focuses on the leaving element of the ordeal.

    I am confident that your dad would want you to be living and healing so to continue in the gift of life. There is a part of you that can die and that is the victim who can be transformed into a survivor. I mean you are aren't you? You have lived through it & still are. 

    Now please dig deep and reflect on one thing that you did after the rape? 

     

    • sam18386
      sam18386 Survivor_J

      Posted

      I knew I had a reason to speak to people on here.  Thank you.  I thought I was going round the twist!  My doctor will not put me through the counselling for this at present because I am mid-battlling for ivf to have children which is really taking its toll, but she does at least listen to me!  I know how you're feeling I think, we'll prove the world wrong and hang on in there together!
  • Survivor_J
    Survivor_J sam18386

    Posted

    Hi Sam,

    There you are in colour!

    i knew you had a rainbow of them

    We can feel all of them & none of them.

    You focus on your nurturing womb 

    doing its best & being open to a blessing.

    love & light X 

    • sam18386
      sam18386 Survivor_J

      Posted

      Hi Survivor J, I think I understand you, at least your supportive according to other people I'm really selfish. I just want what other people do, a pushchair with someone shouting mummy from it. All those people who have ever hurt me can then take a flying run and jump. I now know how much I want this - more than ever as it would be good on so many levels and enforce the fact that whoever did rape me deserves to see my happiness when my little person brings me completion to my life and wipes him out for good. I will win and defy him! But I'm still terrified.
  • Guest
    Guest sam18386

    Posted

    I know exactly how you feel!

    Every day I miss my dad, and every day I wish my rapist had taken me.

    The thing is... You can get through this. Don't EVER let that person take your life.

    You deserve better.

    I was diagnosed agrophobic and couldnt leave the house. The last few days I have walked for miles and it really helped.

    I don't know where you live but walking and sometimes screaming, shouting and thinking f you helps. I imagine my rapist being hurt and I walk. I walk for miles.

    Not sure if this will help but I promise you, you can get through this. Message me if you need to talk xx

    • sam18386
      sam18386 Guest

      Posted

      Hi jbgf2015, I can totally appreciate how you feel.  The low-lifes who hurt us deserve to be hurt over and over again.  I just feel so low some days and I can't explain to anyone how I feel and why I feel so bad.  

      I can't remember quite what happened immediately following my attack but I do remember my mum getting 2 black men off one of the notorious estates to thump the low-life who hurt me to the point that when he went back to the place he worked he couldn't walk straight and apparently these 2 men have played cat's cradle with his dangly bits so he couldn't use them properly, he was also black and blue so if that isn't justice then what is, on top of that he tried what he did with me with juniors and was left in jail for a while and what do people in prison think to that?  From what I've heard people who sexually assault or anything like that are hurt in prison too.

      It's not that but the psychological damage he's done, I find sex is horrible but I can't comment on how I feel afterwards either, there's still no enthusiasm there I'm sorry to say and I've been married to my husband for over 7 years, it's that that's sad not anything else.

      As for my dad I've always wanted to be away from this world and still have his love and protection especially at the moment because we're trying for ivf, which makes the pain of no children even more difficult as I know for certain my dad would have loved for us to have a family, if I ever do have a child I'll have to hold it up to the stars for my dad to see and that REALLY hurts, seeing that he saw my 2 sisters little boys and not mine, it sticks in my throat every time it doesn't work as it confirms in my mind how much damage that low-life did!

      Do you understand what I mean?

    • Guest
      Guest sam18386

      Posted

      I DO know what you mean.

      Being raped is the next worst thing that can happen to you next to murder. The difference is, we have to live with this.

      I often daydream about my dad seeing my daughter but it's too late now.

      Some nights when I have drank too much I tell my hubby that it's not fair. He has parents and I don't. It doesn't change anything.

      Your attacker might have been beaten black and blue and got what was coming to him. That will never change how you feel. You deserve a life.

      We both do.

      How is the IVF going? That's a tough thing to go through.

      Always at the end of a message if you want to chat xxx

    • Guest
      Guest

      Posted

      p.s for anyone else that is reading this.I'm not saying that it is easier to deal with murder than rape. Of course that is the worst thing that can ever happen. The difference is that when you are raped you wake up with it, live with it and go to bed with it. Sometimes as a rape victim you feel you would be better off dead.

      We can all get through this!!

    • sam18386
      sam18386 Guest

      Posted

      Hi I thought I was the only who also thought that living with rape was more if not equally as difficult to living with murder!  I hate feeling like this so I'ven now done something about this and made an appointment to have counselling, but I am concerned that this and the stress of trying to have children is too much.  I did have cbt very briefly last year but it wasn't for me and my therapist felt this wasn't the best for me either, but that's because she was young inexperienced and not I feel used to dealing with people with such complex issues!  I am now trying to move my life forward by having a family of my own, I wan't this pig to come out of my head - permanently!  Wish me luck appointment with consultant next week re ivf but absolutely bricking it with fear not quite the site to put this on but the people on here are so kind I prefer to tell strangers things and not someone familiar!  I feel the same as you though I am convinced I should have died with my dad nearly 4 years ago now as some days I just can't take the pain, but then he's won, hasn't he?
    • Guest
      Guest sam18386

      Posted

      So sorry. I've only just logged on and seen your message. How did you get on with the counsellor? You WILL be fine. You can live with this. It's hard but you can have days when you wake up and don't think about what has happened. I have nights when the nightmares are terrible. I wake up every hour on the hour shaking. But I now have days when I don't think about 'him'. Let me know how you are x

       

    • sam18386
      sam18386 Guest

      Posted

      Hi jbgf2015, I have now got an update about this and it's that because I spoke to a hospital consultant who has a brain in her head! She's arranged psychosexual counselling which truth be known I'm terrified about to hopefully at last after 23 years be a way forward!
  • nic76621
    nic76621 sam18386

    Posted

    Dear survivor

    i don't no whether I have a right to join in with your discussion but 

    i have struggled with the consequence of rape for over 20 years.

    this is the 1st time I've had the courage to write something down and I still feel really scared about doing it.

    i am a recovering alcoholic and over the years been in and out of hospital with anorexia.

    i have many flashbacks which for some reason has got really bad.

    i go through phases where I can see it was not my fault but a lot of the time I blame myself.

    i suffer with depression and really struggling with suicidal thoughts at the moment. I wished he'd killed me all those years back cos I feel I'm on a life / death sentence and I wouldn't have put my parents thru hell.

    i feel so alone in everything and that no one understands me. For years my parents have told me to forget about it but how can you forget something like a violent rape.

    as a consequence i have had a full hysterectomy which I have never talked about not being able to have children.

    i hope I haven't depressed everyone and sorry for the intrusion 

    • sam18386
      sam18386 nic76621

      Posted

      Oh Nic how awful I'm so sorry to hear how bad that was for you, you can comment on here of course. Men like that are scum and I don't mean all men generically! My husband was accused of rape by an ex-partner who unfortunately killed herself, but he also sees what my assault has done to me and how he copes I have absolutely no idea, he has seen me try to pull all my hair out, cutting it due to feeling ugly, scratch my arms, thumping myself and other things besides. My only hope is now having said it to my doctor in a letter who due to trying for IVF has now asked that I have psychosexual counselling which I am absolutely dreading! I hate my life it stinks at times I'd like to be with my dad just so the pain of this and not having children goes away. We support each other on here well people seem to which is delightful!
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